Category Archives: Me & My Issues

I Live the Week Alone

From Monday, thru Friday most every week, I am alone.  My wife travels, so she is not here.  She emails a bit, and that is nice.  But she has not called me during the week, for months.  She doesn’t want me to upset her.  I guess it’s okay.

So I have no affirmation of my life – except on Facebook.  I have to deal with everything around here on my own.  It is usually a struggle to just stay up all day.  So I do not get enough things done.  Lori does not like that.  I should be able to do all that stuff…

I must not be trying hard enough.  If it’s too late to plan something for tomorrow, then I just need to push more.  Right.  I can not go out on one days notice like that.  But “There’s absolutely no reason” why I can not just plan, and go.  Nope… I am not seeing that.

So here I am.  And here I will stay.  Though I am honestly beginning to wonder about the whole staying thing.

The Edge of Night

I am not talking about the old Soup Opera… but where I am.

The thing is that I am not sure if I am coming out of the darkness, or am just now entering it?  I am not sure I can tell the difference.  Is there a difference?

Things are going in the right direction – things are at least aimed in the right direction.  I have not actually moved much though.  I will.  But I am kind of in a holding pattern while I figure out the details.  This is not the fun part.

Here, I sit and try to get thru the day.  I fight to keep the anxiety down, and to keep from slipping into depression.  It takes way to much effort.  And interspersed within all this, I try to make sense of things happening around me.  I try to get a few little things done, and get a little closer to action.

I am not ready.

I am not sure I will ever be ready.  How much of a leap of faith can I handle?  And what will happen if it goes wrong?  There is no guarantee things will work out in my favor.  Not that I have much of a choice though…

My next step may get me back on the road to more inner stability and strength.  Or it may blast me out of the water completely.  And I would have to begin again.  I have no idea where I would turn.

So I am preparing myself for a crucial event… a potential turning point in my life.  One step that will change everything.  At least that is how it feels.

One step.

And The Race Begins Anew

I have direction now.  I know what I am going to be doing for my mental problems.  Well… at least I know where I am going to start.  Now I just need to finalize how I am going to carry out that first step.

This is fine… I want to think for a few days, and make sure I am handling things correctly.  But I feel good about my decisions.

For now, I am not going to say what I will be doing.  Except that I will be going back into therapy, and I want to be able to pick up where I left off last Spring.  This will take some effort – I will have to push myself quite a bit.  But it is all doable.

Even this week I am struggling with having to go out.  That, even though a couple of things I need to get are things I have been really looking forward to.  There is also cat food.  But it all means going at least 3 places, which has been my normal limit for a long time.  And there are 2 other places I “should” go as well.

This is the first issue I have to deal with.  I need to learn how to use my energies more effectively, and get out more.  I know I can do that.  And successes will help me.  So I am sort of looking at things that will feel like success.

There is also something I would like to do this coming weekend, and I have a lot of doubts about that.  No matter how difficult local shopping can be, going out to events where I will have to deal with a lot of people, are still a huge obstacle.

So I move forward… taking tiny steps to learn what it feels like to succeed.  Wish me success! Smile

Gibraltar Falls…

On me.

Events have not been moving in my direction.  I have dug myself into a position, where I am going to be forced into an attempted solution that I do not have much confidence in.  I do not know…

I am very confused right now.  It is early in the day, but I can not see any light.  My world keeps getting darker.

There are some very deep issues I need to deal with.  Until I do, I can not resolve many of the little issues – like how much I go out.  Yes, that is actually a little side issue.  It is a symptom, not a stand-alone problem.

The cart is before the horse.  I am in a position where I must resolve the symptoms before I can work on the actual internal problems.  I have been trying to do it that way for too long, and it is doomed to failure.  Things do not get better.

So I need to get back to working on what is really happening in my brain, in a way that can lead me out of this horror.  And I am going to have to do it completely on my own.  I do not know if I even can start.  Things have got so dark, that I have no hope left.

Here the big problem is that I am not sure how much I care any more.  I have been fighting this too long.  Every day I have to fight for control… to keep from crashing out entirely.  And I just do not have the energy to do more than just get thru the day.

It is not going to get better.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

Dora was right.

I am still swimming.  To be honest, I feel absolutely horrible this morning.  But I know this will pass too.  If things fall into place the way I think they will (could?), I will be able to get better.

My psychologist said I had an “undying optimism”.  It is one of the things that has allowed me to get this far.  I still believe.

It is difficult, and some times I want to give up.  But I always pull back together, and keep moving forward.  It is a huge drain, but it has worked for a very long time.  And it continues to give me enough energy to be able to keep trying.

So… not to worry… I will keep going.  And maybe things will take a great turn for the better today!  Or tomorrow… but it will come.

Some Things I Know

I know what I want my life to look like.  I know how I want to spend my time.  I can see the good life.

But I can not do it.  I keep telling myself I will get there, but things have gradually got more difficult over the last couple of years.  If you read this Blog often, you know that.

I have the audacity to believe I can get there.  And I will.  I have not yet found the way to go.  But I will.  I have too many days where all I can do is get thru the day.  Literally.

Even that will get better. 

Nowhere To Go

There is nowhere for me to go.

I am tired.  I am trying to build up some reserves.  I will have to go out this week on several errands.  And I still have a sick cat to deal with – he is okay.  He just needs some tube feeding because he is not eating enough yet.  There are many things to do…

Things will get done.  But I am a little worse each week.  There are things I need to do to start getting my life in order.  But they require a huge leap of faith.  Faith in other people… including people who have let me down in the past.  I do not have the reserves for that.

Additionally, I am trying to keep from completely breaking down mentally.  There is a daily struggle.  I am trying to stay alive.  I am trying to get out of the Pit.  But I guess that is not so important if you are not me.  Unfortunately, I do happen to be me. 

So I have to work on my problems, and not just be trying to recover from the week.  I still have a true vacation coming up.  I just want to make it thru the few days.

Addendum

It has been pointed out to me that I am “in no way” taking care of Lori’s needs.  That is true.  What I should have said is that there is an expectation that I will.  There is at the very least not going to be anything for me…

I know I do not meet Lori’s needs.  I can not even meet my own.  But my point was that there is NO support system for me.

See… even my Blogs get argued with, and bring not support.

I Would Rather Have the Nightmares

All in all, I would rather face the nightmares of sleep, than my real world.  I do not belong here, but there is nowhere else to go.

Whenever I sit to write a Blog, I have to be careful… I have to filter what I want to say.  I leave out some important points because I do not want to upset anyone.  I have few enough friends as it is… I do not need to push any more away.

I do not have a plan.  I do not have any direction to go.  My biggest problem is that I lack a support system.  There is no-one I can turn to for support, and know it will be there.  Most of the time I have absolutely no support at all.  I have to get thru everything on my own – then try to take care of Lori’s needs when she comes home for the weekend.

On the weekends, I have to get even more done in order to reduce stress around here.  So there is never a time for me to get what I need.  And let’s face it, I need a lot.

Until I can build some kind of support structure under which I can have room to fall back if I need to, I can not take any chances that could disrupt my precarious balance.  So I wait.  I have been waiting for a long time.

Everyone has their needs.  When you have a stressful life, and work at a difficult job, you need time to relax and recover – weekends.  My life is… very stressful, and I do not get that weekend.  I understand.  Each of us has to find our own way of making it thru the hard times,  I have not found mine yet.

Time is growing short.  It gets harder and harder to take action.  The worse I get, the harder it is to take chances.  Then I become even more isolated.  It is a terrible cycle.  And it only gets worse.

So I sit here, as patiently as I can, waiting for the opportunity to come along.  But… it has to be a very solid base now before I can even plan a step.  It’s not going to happen.

Always be Prepared!

I try to be prepared.  When there is something really important to be ready for, I can plan it out, and usually make it happen – within reason.  That is what I did last week.

I was going to try a short shopping trip to a new place, and one I have been to many times.  It was all set for Friday.  But Wednesday I started working on preparations for something else.

My efforts went very well.  Friday I was able to calm myself enough to remain relaxed thru the day.  I cut back my plans so I could do just one thing.  Things did not work out though…

Saturday I struggled just to make it till today.  I did… I always do.  But I have fallen into depression.  There is only so much energy to get things done.  I try to figure out where it goes, but that does not always work.  It did not this week.

I do not know what to do.

It Was More Interesting When…

When I was in therapy, I generally had better things to write about here.  There were plans and ideas.  I had things to reflect on, and new thoughts to share.  There were many positive things in my Blogs, even when I was not feeling very positive.

Now I mostly write about the boring – the everyday stuff that fills the empty places in our lives.  It’s okay… but there is not as much to learn from it.

I need to get myself back on track towards something.  I need to be learning about life.  And I need to write about that part of my life.  Not so much this part.  I can do that!

There are a lot of things I need to get back to working on.  I am not sure of the complete list.  Though I suppose I have run thru a lot of it the last few months right here in these blogs.

I have started writing a Blog about things I am planning to make it easier to do more shopping.  I have been thinking about that a lot, and I am ready to try a couple of things.  I may even start tomorrow with one simple idea.

So tune in and see something a little more promising.

I am Depressed

Sorry for not having a snappy title.

Yesterday was not very good… it was not a disaster.  But today I have fallen into a depressive episode.  I got up from a nap totally flat.  I did not feel anything.  Now I am not sure what to do.

I may go back to bed.  Or I may just sit here.  Sometimes I sit here in my office, and just stare at the floor.  I also like to stare at the green light on the smoke detector in our bedroom.  And virtually nothing goes thru my mind while I do that.

I should feel better tomorrow… or the next day.  But it will be back.

Okay… I Think I know What I am Going to do. (Besides Weird capitaliZation)

It has become increasingly clear what direction I should go.  I still have a lot to think about, but at least I think I have a direction.  I am not ready to write about it, but it does make me feel better to have decided.

I think I am ready to DO something this week, or early next week.  I need to discuss it, and think about it.

Managing Anxiety… Sort Of

Over the years, I have learned a lot about managing anxiety.  My meds are great, and make a huge difference, but they are not enough.  I at or above the max dose on 2 of them, and that is about the limit.  So I meditate, and work on physical relaxation – usually that helps.

My improving joints in my feet are making walking possible again, but I am just starting that.  I am doing what I can.

Recently, it has been more difficult.  I am not sure why.

I have not seen my psychologist in over 4 months.  I have been home every day for over 6 months.  I take care of things around here, but I am here every morning to start over.  I have not had one day off of that routine.  Except this last Saturday when I stayed in bed all day… and even then…

We canceled our last 2 vacations because of our sick kitty (it was worth it).  And there have not even been any day trips.  As my anxiety has grown more difficult to manage, it has got even harder to go out.  Right now I do not even care about going anywhere.  I just want some time to completely relax, and not have to worry about anything.  Not going to happen.

So I am trying to figure out what to do to bring my life together, and all this is going on.  I have some very complex issues to understand, and evaluate.  I have some options, and I do not want to waste a few months by making the wrong one.

There is so much anxiety, and depression that is is hard to think things thru clearly.  And every time something goes wrong, I get pushed farther back down, and it gets ever more difficult to decide anything.

I will keep trying.

What a world!

My Weekend

Friday was a mixed bad of emotions.  I started out feeling a lot of stress about figuring out what I could do for the weekend.  I wanted to go out, but had to figure out what I could actually get thru.

Late in the afternoon, I finally had it!  It felt really nice to have a doable plan.  And it would be fun too!

The problem was that I had so drained myself during the day, that I was a wreck by late evening.  That is when I crashed – 11pm Friday night.  I did not get up until 7am Sunday morning.  That was 32 hours of sleep – on and off.  Sunday I lasted only about 10 hours.

I did not eat very much all weekend either… but that does not bother me very much.

Now it is early Monday morning, and I do not know what to do.  I feel mentally drained, and I start the week pretty much empty.

These things happen.