Category Archives: Home etc.

The Intervention of the Real World

I would rather most of the real world would just leave me alone – I don’t mean the people I know… or the places I like… I mean the rest of the crap.

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not my garden…  Portland Chinese Garden

Yesterday the sprinkler system was put in the back yard.  Fine.  It is raining today – welcome to Oregon!  I know the gardener well, but not the installer.  But I felt trapped in my own home.  My anxiety was way up all day.  And I had to remain sharp to answer questions that came up – there was only one.

I became a prisoner in my own home.  In my own office most of the time… constantly afraid someone would need something from me.  I did not get much done.  Mostly I just hide as best I could.  I could not concentrate on anything.

When they were done, I paid them, and came back into my office to great relief.  But I was so tired from it all, I went to bed a little after 6pm.  I was exhausted by anxiety.  It would have been nice if I has slept well…

But it is all OK.

Today, I get back on track as best I can.  My mind is starting to settle down this morning.  There are a lot of things to do, but I have time.  I can not know what will come up, but the worst is done.  At least for yesterday…

A Man, a Plan, a Canal, Panama

A nice palindrome.

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I do not do well at traveling.  People who know me, know that.

Sometimes, someone will suggest a place to go… it is interesting.  So we talk about it.  There are enticing ideas of things we could do, and I get optimistic.  And there will be a plan.  So I wait… they will have a plan.  And I wait… and wait…

People who know me also know my brain never stops thinking.  So I roll the idea around in the back of my mind.  In an absence of new information, my brain comes up with more bad things about the trip, than good things.  Eventually, I reach a tipping point where I no longer feel comfortable with the whole idea.

Then they get mad at me.  It is my fault that I was not patient enough to wait for the plans, which never seem to be forthcoming.  I could just assume it will happen, but my brain does not, never has, and probably never will be able to do that.  People know that about me.

But no matter how many times people see the same results, they will keep trying to plan trips by the same method.  What did Einstein say about intelligence?  I am supposed to rewire my brain, and react to the same stimuli in a new way.  But they – the sane ones – get to follow the same path, and it always becomes my fault.

I am growing very tired of this.

SO… I will NOT travel overnight to any new places for the remainder of this year, nor probably throughout all of next year as well.  If others wish to travel, I will wish them a Bon Voyage.

Again… I can not change the way my brain works, and I have grown increasingly unable to push myself beyond my limits, to meet the conditions meted out by others.

A Sense of Community

I live in Woodburn, Oregon. 

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As I have mentioned, it is the only city in Oregon with a majority of “minorities”.   People seem to react to that when I am asked where I am from – mostly in Newport.

I feel a tremendous sense of community here… and that is a pretty big thing to say for an agoraphobe.  But everywhere I go in town, I am made to feel comfortable.  I am greeted kindly, and enthusiastically where-ever I go.  And in places I go frequently (for me) I have been greeted by name… even though I have never told them…

People in this town care about each other.  I do not fear the people where I go… even new places.  I feel very much at home here, and I resent the implication that there is something wrong with where I live!

You want me to unfriend you?  Just react to Woodburn in anyway that smacks of racial prejudice… or that there is something wrong with this town.  I love it here.

Balancing the Schedule

This morning I got some really bad news – Lori is not working today, and is working tomorrow (Saturday).  Now, I had this on my computer calendar, but this has been a hectic week, including working on my computer.  So somehow I did not notice.

Does not sound like such a big deal does it?  In itself, it is not.  But I had a carefully worked out plan for getting lots of things done tomorrow, and I can not shift that to today.  This is not something I can be flexible about.  It is also stuff I can not do on my own… so it can not get done this weekend.

Fine… but as I said, there are things I can not do on my own, so I will not be able to get it done during next week either, because Lori will be on Prince Edward Island.  And that leads to next Saturday when I am supposed to have company which will need to have that stuff done first.  Change of plans.

This one little mistake, will ripple thru the next few weeks, potentially changing plans and ideas all throughout May.  And I will be letting someone else down as well as myself.

My anxiety does not allow as much flexibility as I would like.  Things have to be carefully thought out… at least as carefully as I can be.

Of course, I may be able to rework a solution… but it will greatly increase my anxiety, and something else has got to give.  Right now, I am just too discouraged to even think about it.  This is not good…

There are also things I might have planned had I realized what the schedule was.  I can not even think about that now……

There is still hope for Chartreuse

My time has been too full the last several days.  There is a family problem to deal with, cats to the vet, and a new crown on a tooth… Too much.

Yesterday I started falling under the pressure.  I am okay, but I have been drained, and I am just sort of coasting along, trying to make things work.  One thing at a time.

I am feeling better about my trip last week, and the next one coming up.  But I have more important things to worry about now.

I have picked the next psychologist I will try going to… though I do not know when that will be.  Some time in the next month or so, I will go.  But as things around home continue to stabilize, I am fine with seeing how it goes for a few more weeks.  Starting to see someone new will take energy, and resolve, but it will help a lot in the long run.

My psychiatrist recommended her, and likes my plan of letting things settle a bit more first.

As for today?  I do not expect to get much done.  It will come in short bursts of energy.  And sometimes, I get a lot done that way.  It all depends on how the first few things go.  I will pick initial tasks that are pretty well defined, and easy to do.  That gives me the best start… and the best chance at success.

All I want is to tinker around the house, and get some things done to make it easier to do more… and then more.  I would like to get the garage finished – it should only take a couple of hours… spread out over a couple of days.

Small plans lead to big accomplishments.

And that nice new chartreuse ink I got is great for highlighting!

Tell What, Don’t Ask

I got a very good grade in Cryptic 210.

If you want to give a piece of advice to friends of people with anxiety disorders – They should try saying what they are going to do, instead of asking what you want.

Asking creates anxiety – for me, I have to consider all the ramifications.

For Example:  One could say – I am going to start a fire, and move outside in about an hour… if you would like to join me…

Versus:  Do you want to go outside with me in about an hour?

The second one requires a tremendous about of thought for someone like me.  If I am not ready for this, it could cause me to crash.  If I have such a great responsibility, it will become undecidable.  There is not way to know enough to make the right choice.  But I am the one who has to decide the outcome…

In the first example… I can relax, and think about it for a while.  The more relaxed I can be, the greater the likely hood I will go along with the flow.

And I think there are a lot of people like me… Atychiphobia.  The fear of failure.  It means everything must be figured out, to the last detail.  Which of course, is impossible.  Crash.  Even if you deal with it, it drains.  You have to fight the fears, and push on.  There will be less energy for other things.

Every time you have to go thru this cycle, a little bit of energy is lost.  Hell… sometimes a LOT of energy is lost.  There is no predicting.  But… sooner or later, there will not be enough energy left to make it thru the next “situation”.  Some days we do better than other (of course), but there can be big swings.  Good days, and bad.

So PLEASE do not add to the burden by phrasing things in terms of a question.  We are not playing Jeopardy.  Except our own.

My Cats Save Lives

I could not possible count, how many times in my deepest depressions, that I have thought, `who would take care of my kitties?’  I can’t say that means they have saved my life.  There are always many reasons for sticking around.  It’s just that they tend to be rather prominently listed.  Hmmm…

Right now, Io and Hyperion are sleeping on my office chair.  Phoebe and Caliban are sleeping on my desk.  Cymbeline is in the living room… I am not sure where Titan is…

There seems to be a tendency, for them to follow me around the house… wherever I settle.  Sometimes it is difficult to turn over at night.  And reading my Kindle can require a very carefully built quilt wall to keep them at bay.  But it is… how do you say “worth it” when it is astronomically beyond “worth it”.  They save lives.

I am sure, very many of you feel the same way.  These small critters twist, and squirm their way into our soul.  We are not so different after all… they need us too.

That is being a friend.

Fooling Little Experiments in Life

We all try things from time to time, where we later think, “What the Hell was I thinking?”  I do that a lot.  And then I wonder why I keep trying.

But I do keep trying. 

The biggest problem I have, is that I usually can’t figure out what was wrong with my thinking!  When it comes to issues involving other people, I do not understand what to think.  I seem to be wrong about how people will react, and what they will think, virtually always.  I get it wrong.

This, above all else, has pushed my into seclusion.  Of course… there are the anxieties, phobias, and depressive episodes as well… so it is hard to say what has caused the most problems.  I just don’t have the energy to keep pushing anymore.

So I carefully plan out my efforts.  The slightest things going wrong can force to to quit.  I crash out and retreat into myself, and my home.  I can not predict how things will go, no matter how careful I am.

There are times when I want to completely give up.  That does not work either.  I must have some contact.  So I keep trying.

Woodburn, Oregon… My Home

This is a museum downtown on Front Street.

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I really like living here.  We are quite close to Portland, and all sorts of great places to go.  As I try to go out more, I will be working to visit those places more often.  I am working on getting my Photography going again.  And that even interconnects with my other hobbies, as I will be going to the Evergreen Air Museum – where the Spruce Goose is.

Living With Phobias – At Least for Me

Phobias do not just turn off when we need them to.  They are always part of our lives.  They eat at us until they win – or we push them back.

I am not a therapist… so I can only write about my own experiences.  Learning to fight phobias is one of the most frustrating things I have ever tried to do,  The powers of phobias ebb and flow in unpredictable ways.  I have had to get used to failures at unexpected times (always?).

My concept of Embracing Agoraphobia goes back about 4 years – my psychologist and I worked it out.  The basic concept is that if I can not go out, it is not the end of the World.  Nothing has changed if I stay home.  So go out when I can, and where I can, otherwise staying home is fine.  There are places I can go – Walgreen’s, the Hobby store… to get cat food…  So those are the places I can count on when I need to.

I really do love my home.  And my own space is taking shape, and has become very comfortable.  It is my safe place.  Having a safe place to go and stay when I need it, is absolutely necessary to being able to move forward.

I only go out where I want to, or where I have to. 

Sometimes I don’t go anywhere for more than a week.  And that is just fine.  I do not have to go out to prove anything to anyone.  I do not have to go out for anyone else.  So I don’t.

It is not a perfect system – but what is?  There are times when I feel bad about not going somewhere.  And I really would like to be able to go out more.  But there are plenty of more important reasons I might feel bad.  In the scope of the world, staying home is a very small issue.

Other people have a lot more difficulty getting used to it than I do! Smile

I Know What I Should by Writing About.

I should write about my plans, and my progress.  And the plans still look good, and there is still progress.  Things will get better.

But my mind is not there.

I do not want to be here right now.  I wish I could sleep for 3 days, and everyone else could do what they want.  I am staying home for Christmas… no-one is coming over.  I can not deal with the whole Christmas thing now.  There is no joy in it for me… I just wish it was over!

So my thoughts are now about trying to get thru the next few days without ruining things even more than I already have.  Everyone blames me for things falling apart – that is fair.  It is my fault.  I just want to more on to things I can actually improve.

So I will go on now… and try to survive it all.

Merry Christmas!

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today…

Yea… I don’t know either.

I have not been Blogging because I have got as far as I can.  I am at a point, where they next thing I need to do in my life, is beyond my reach at this point.  So I am waiting.

Things have been up and down – mostly down.  But at least I know where I am!  So that is better than a couple of months ago.

Also I have lost my last social contact – facebook.  So I no longer have a place to reach out… or look for help.

But most of my life has been like that.  All my fault… I know.

I Live the Week Alone

From Monday, thru Friday most every week, I am alone.  My wife travels, so she is not here.  She emails a bit, and that is nice.  But she has not called me during the week, for months.  She doesn’t want me to upset her.  I guess it’s okay.

So I have no affirmation of my life – except on Facebook.  I have to deal with everything around here on my own.  It is usually a struggle to just stay up all day.  So I do not get enough things done.  Lori does not like that.  I should be able to do all that stuff…

I must not be trying hard enough.  If it’s too late to plan something for tomorrow, then I just need to push more.  Right.  I can not go out on one days notice like that.  But “There’s absolutely no reason” why I can not just plan, and go.  Nope… I am not seeing that.

So here I am.  And here I will stay.  Though I am honestly beginning to wonder about the whole staying thing.