Category Archives: Health & Fitness

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.

There are Times When I Do Not Want to Have to Control What is Going on in My Mind…

There are times… often… when I am tired of controlling what is going on in my mind.  I get tired of having to work at keeping myself going.  I want to be able to let go of it… and not have to work at directing myself.  I have always known it was a struggle to meet the expectations of others. 

The trip I went on last week, was the beginning of my finding a new way to do that.

Rediscovering reading is helping a LOT.  My efforts at reading with a Kindle have taken me back to when I used to read a lot.  And I can – I have had many times of reading more than 5 hours straight.  And the longest was about 9 hours.  It gives me an escape… when I can do it.

When you live with mental illness, you have to work at everything.  Letting your mind wonder generally means letting anxiety, or depression have space to jump to the fore.  We have to be constantly on guard.  And we all need a break.

Even sleep does not always (usually?) help.  Nightmares are all those mental issues running amok.

So true rest, and relaxation can be hard to come by.  No-one can truly understand this without having been there.

And the Meds Keep Coming…

I saw my psychiatrist Monday– she just takes care of my meds.  I have to go every now and then to update my prescriptions.  Right now I feel like they are about right.  I still have too much anxiety at times… but I can usually handle it.

My “anti”-depression meds are still working pretty well – I have a couple of depressive episodes every week, but they usually last less than a day.  Before this, they last days, or even weeks.  So I am back to mostly having to manage anxiety.  And I have go much better at that.

There were other issues to cover.  I will be talking with her about finding a new psychologist in April… so that will help.  She likes my plan of trying to stabilize my home life for a while – as long as there is progress.  So that helps too.

There were other places to go, and things to deal with Monday.  Then yesterday I had someone in the house to install some “things”.  So I have been pretty well drained.  But today I can try to relax, and get my thoughts together again.

When trying to manage anxiety, the question always arises – “why bother?”  I can hide from most causes of anxiety.  I can shut myself away, and usually feel better.  And it’s not like a have to put any effort into being around people… who would they be anyway?

See… too many thoughts for right now…

Separating Behavior from Thought… a difficult battle for those few who find the need to Define Themselves to Themselves.

When you are depressed you loose the ability to intellectually… do anything.  That is not an option.  But we still feel the emotional side… and there is also our philosophical side – it may be our religion, or any philosophical concept of existence.

You become a captive held away from the World.  Depression takes away our ability to defend ourselves.  So we hide.  We run away.  We will do anything to avoid the ___ that comes at us.  And each of us has our own Structure of Fear… the things we need to avoid.  No-one can point to any example of how they feel, because there are no examples… everyone is different. 

There is nowhere to point your finger.  So to most people, what you say is little more than fantasy.  You know the feeling… when something so deeply within you, is smiled upon as a passing fancy by those you share it with.  What becomes important to us, is but trivia to them…

Thanksours Day

January 18th is Thanksours Day!

It is a day for just the home family to have a nice fancy dinner together with no stress of having company.  It is the after-holiday calibration of the quiet new year.

The last few months have been full of fun and excitement, but have also been a bit tiring… so this is a day to stay home with family and pets, and really start looking forward to the new year ahead.

Have a nice big dinner, and just relax.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I do not react to many things in a “normal” way.  Many would say I over-react.  I am not seeing it that way.  To me, my reactions are completely normal.  But then… I am crazy.

I am just normal enough to pass… most of the time.  I do not notice when I slip out of the normal range, and other people take notice.  They were not paying attention to the little weird things I do… they was “Oh that is just Neil”.  So they see me as being unpredictable.

I don’t feel unpredictable.  My actions seem completely normal, and predicable to me.  So I tend to be caught off-guard by people’s reactions.  Didn’t they see that coming??

When you perceive the world in a different way, it is very difficult to know what should be the correct response.  To me, it all fits together.

So when I do react in a crazy way, I am totally surprised by what people do – that was not predicable to me at all.  Then I get thrown completely off, and it can lead to even more unusual behavior on my part.  I am not sure if anyone really gets this.  They expect me to be crazy, but they do not see, or understand, the depth of it.

This has lead to more isolation.  People don’t know how to react to me, and I do not understand their lack of reaction.  I end up alone.  That is the nature of the things…

I can not change how I react because it seems totally normal to me.  How can I know to not do something, when it seems the most normal reaction to the situation?  It never occurs to me that I should do anything else.  And it is hard to learn from events when I feel like I have been wronged.

I Did Not See This Coming

I am depressed.

I knew I would have a lot to think about after my first session with a new psychologist.  But I did not anticipate being so overwhelmed by it.  I have not called to make another appointment… I can not get myself to make any decisions.  I am stuck.

Session went pretty well… and I feel good about it.  But I can not move on.  My mind will not integrate what is happening.  I am not even sure what is happening in my brain.  But whatever it is, I have not been able to think things thru to any kind of conclusion.  I know what I should do… but I can not be sure enough to do anything!

So I have struggled thru the last few days, just trying to stay awake, and as active as I can be.  It is not going well.

My Blogs have been a bit boring as well.  That comes from not knowing what to write… because I do not know what to think.

Depression has taken over my life the last few days, and I have not been able to shake it.  It is difficult to hold a thought.  I seem to even be rambling thru this Blog as well! 

I am frustrated.  There are so many thoughts running thru my mind, that I can not focus on any of them, and none lead to towards any conclusions.

I guess I should stop writing now… more later.

Beginning Again…

Next week I will see a new psychologist… I am hoping this will work out, and I will be back in therapy.  Of course… I have a lot of anxiety about it, and it will get worse.  But this is a good chance at a new beginning.

I know it will just be the beginning of a long process – I have fallen back quite a way over the last few months.  But I have the tools and knowledge to make this work.  And I have the will to push myself when I need to.  There will be progress.

This is also the beginning of a most difficult time of year.  The Holliday’s are great, but they are also draining.

While we were in Ashland, I was around other people as much as what would normally be several months for me.  It ultimately did me in.  I missed the last 3 plays we were going to see.  But I held together enough to enjoy our time there, and had fun.  So it was a good start.

I am also trying to plan a single night trip somewhere close, just for myself.  Maybe a little get-away.  It will happen if it easily fits in, but this, I will not push so much on.  It’s a lark.

The key now it is do more, but not too much.  I am not sure I know where that line is, but I am sure I will find it!

Stick with me, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

A Thousand Clowns

That is one of my favorite movies, but it connects here too.

Most of the time, there are dozens, if not hundreds of thoughts that want my attention.  The problem is that I can not turn them off.  I am not hearing voices or anything… but when my anxiety is bad, it is as if there are things I must think about swamping my thoughts.  I can not control my own thinking.

It can take a great effort to stay focused, and not let any of the other thoughts take over.  The thoughts themselves are often reasons why I should not do something.  I get over-run by them.  It can be a huge stopper!

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I crash out, and that is the end of my day.  And sometimes I just get tired of trying so hard, and I give up.  I can use my meds to calm my mind.

The better solution is to be able to simply ignore them.  No, I am thinking about this right now thank you.  Some times I can’t do it.

Sometimes this all works to my advantage.  When I have wanted to design something, or a better design, that swamping feeling is almost like a system for sifting.  I will see something radically different, that amazes me.  Recently that happened with the design of a way of hanging models.  I simplified it from about 6-8 hours to make, to about 30 minutes.

Anyway… I digress…

Usually it feels so overwhelming that I have to either medicate, or shut down.  I do not like that choice.  I would say I go about 50/50 on what I do.  On the weekends, I make a much greater effort to just keep going – Lori is home, and I want to spend time with her.  It does not often work though.

And then tomorrow I go thru it all over again.  And my brain will feel like a small car full of a thousand clowns.

To Go Hermit, or Not to Go Hermit? That is the Question…

There is a horrible argument raging in my thoughts.  My mind is locked in a battle for which I have already determined the outcome.  At least the outcome I prefer.

The question:  Therapy, or giving up.

Therapy is simple… everyone understands what I mean.  Giving up?  It does not mean I would go anywhere, but I would give up on the outside world.  I do not know completely what this would mean… just that I would eliminate most of my more difficult problems.

Now… I am intellectually sure therapy is the right way to go.  It has helped a lot in the past.  But I have great fears this time.  There are things that could go very wrong even before I get started.  So it is an imposing obstacle.

The alternative would be to shut down… essentially.  I would pull myself back into my cave, and disappear.  I do not know how this would work.  Or if it would work.

In reality, the answer is pretty obvious – therapy.  There is no real argument.  But my mind will not stop thinking about it.  I have to figure out the details… all of the details.   Even if the do not matter.  I can not stop the process mid-run.  So my mind goes on… and on… and on…

There are some good distractions – like writing this.  But distractions take effort.  And I run out of energy as the day goes on.  It gets harder and harder to fight the battle.  Then I crash out, and go to bed.

But the argument goes on.

The Edge of Night

I am not talking about the old Soup Opera… but where I am.

The thing is that I am not sure if I am coming out of the darkness, or am just now entering it?  I am not sure I can tell the difference.  Is there a difference?

Things are going in the right direction – things are at least aimed in the right direction.  I have not actually moved much though.  I will.  But I am kind of in a holding pattern while I figure out the details.  This is not the fun part.

Here, I sit and try to get thru the day.  I fight to keep the anxiety down, and to keep from slipping into depression.  It takes way to much effort.  And interspersed within all this, I try to make sense of things happening around me.  I try to get a few little things done, and get a little closer to action.

I am not ready.

I am not sure I will ever be ready.  How much of a leap of faith can I handle?  And what will happen if it goes wrong?  There is no guarantee things will work out in my favor.  Not that I have much of a choice though…

My next step may get me back on the road to more inner stability and strength.  Or it may blast me out of the water completely.  And I would have to begin again.  I have no idea where I would turn.

So I am preparing myself for a crucial event… a potential turning point in my life.  One step that will change everything.  At least that is how it feels.

One step.

Okay… I Think I know What I am Going to do. (Besides Weird capitaliZation)

It has become increasingly clear what direction I should go.  I still have a lot to think about, but at least I think I have a direction.  I am not ready to write about it, but it does make me feel better to have decided.

I think I am ready to DO something this week, or early next week.  I need to discuss it, and think about it.

Managing Anxiety… Sort Of

Over the years, I have learned a lot about managing anxiety.  My meds are great, and make a huge difference, but they are not enough.  I at or above the max dose on 2 of them, and that is about the limit.  So I meditate, and work on physical relaxation – usually that helps.

My improving joints in my feet are making walking possible again, but I am just starting that.  I am doing what I can.

Recently, it has been more difficult.  I am not sure why.

I have not seen my psychologist in over 4 months.  I have been home every day for over 6 months.  I take care of things around here, but I am here every morning to start over.  I have not had one day off of that routine.  Except this last Saturday when I stayed in bed all day… and even then…

We canceled our last 2 vacations because of our sick kitty (it was worth it).  And there have not even been any day trips.  As my anxiety has grown more difficult to manage, it has got even harder to go out.  Right now I do not even care about going anywhere.  I just want some time to completely relax, and not have to worry about anything.  Not going to happen.

So I am trying to figure out what to do to bring my life together, and all this is going on.  I have some very complex issues to understand, and evaluate.  I have some options, and I do not want to waste a few months by making the wrong one.

There is so much anxiety, and depression that is is hard to think things thru clearly.  And every time something goes wrong, I get pushed farther back down, and it gets ever more difficult to decide anything.

I will keep trying.

What a world!

A Return Forged in Need

I need to Blog.  It is how I communicate with the world.  I can not stop it now… when I need it more than ever.

You see… I have been gradually falling apart the last month or so.  Things were getting difficult before that, but I have had a more and more difficult time holding myself together.  It has become hard to get thru a whole day without some kind of crash to deal with.

Now I spend pretty much all my time just trying to hold my brain and thoughts together.  That is about all I do… and the dishes.

I do not need advice here – I know my options, and I know I will have to make a major decision very soon.  So I do not need any extra distractions.  There will be times when I will need, and ask for advice, but right now I can not handle it.

I know I need help.  The current situation in untenable.  So all the options I am looking at involve getting that help.

For me… part of getting any help includes this Blog.  I am going to use it to share what I am doing, and dealing with.  As I have done.

There may be some dark times ahead.  But I will always be able to communicate here… at least most of the time.  I may need breaks, but I now realize that my Blogs are part of my therapy.  I need them.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel, is an Oncoming Train…

I need to stay home.

We have all figured that out by now.  I have about half the anxiety during the week if I do not have to do major shopping.  Got it…

My biggest problem right now though is that I no longer have a psychologist, and I no longer have any faith in the system.

So what do I do?

I Love my wife very much, and can not imagine life without her, but she does not understand the choices I have to make.  And she resents any change that makes her life more difficult.  She sees no need for any real lifestyle changes for the worse.

This is not because she is selfish.  She is actually a very giving person.  But… she does not understand the limitations imposed by anxiety, depression, phobias… and all sorts of social problems.  She does not see that simply getting older makes everything harder.

My increased physical issues are okay, but my mental decline is not.  I should still be able to deal with all the stresses, and anxieties, and depressions, I did when I was younger.  I can not decline.

Those are all things that cannot be solved just by wanting to… with a little effort… or with any amount of effort.  It hurts me when I think about the mental things I can’t do anymore.  It really is a terrible loss – I even often struggle to fully visualize 3D objects… and rotate them around.  It used to be easy.  My brain can not do what it could do 20 years ago.

It is nothing of anyone’s fault.  The great majority of people simply can not relate to any of it.  We are so far out of their experience, that they can not even imagine it.  So everything we say, can be dismissed… or worse.

But… I love her, so things go on, and will be really wonderful for us.  I just need somewhere else to connect with where I am, and can get help guiding me thru all the crap.  Right… I no longer have that person… sure, sure…

Life goes on.