Category Archives: Good Things

Trip the Rain Fantastic

It was wet in Newport when I was there last week.  That was just fine… I was there to relax, and read, and eat some fun foods.  I was able to sit and watch the rain and wind on the beach – the waves were big and loud.  It was relaxing.

A lot of planning and preparation went into this trip… and I think it paid off.  I am tired, and a bit drained from going, but that seems like a pretty good thing since it was my first trip alone.  I am going back next month.

So I can’t go to the grocery store, but I can drive out to the coast for a couple of nights.  Interesting.  I have always liked the Silvia Beach Hotel, since the first time Lori convinced me to go there a couple years back.  People pretty much leave you alone to read, or just look at the view – no TVs, radios, wi-fi, or any such.  I have been in all the little shops, and I liked the Pub and Bakery.

The idea of going there alone goes back more than a year.  My readers will know that last year was a bit unsettling at times… but I never lost the hope of going to Newport alone.

I paid attention to where things were, and how things felt.  I gradually built a plan.  I had enough time to slowly figure out what I would do, and where I would go.  There is the Pub, which is right down the street, and has foods, and ales I like.  There is a fantastic Wine store where the owner knows what I like.  And the hotel itself, it calm, quiet, and comfortable.  So I planned…

I think it paid off.  Though there were moments when I wanted to give up and run home, I had a very nice day Thursday – I read a book and a half.  The evenings were the hardest – as they are at home.  It was more work than I had hoped, but went better than I had expected.  That is very good.

I still have a lot to think about… but I am going to be ready to go again, and it should get easier each time.

This Blog Starts on Tuesday, Jan. 7th…

These are some short notes I wrote while in Newport, Oregon this week…

Here I am – 100 miles from home… by myself.  I have never gone on a trip by myself, to be by myself in my entire life.  Right now I am wondering about whether I have done the right thing!  My anxiety is way up, and I have a great desire to go home.

I do like it here – it is quiet, and there are nice places to eat and shop.  But mainly I am here because of the wonderful Ocean View reading room on the 3rd floor.  I am in the Jules Verne room of the hotel – there is a squid tentacle across the ceiling… it is a little intimidating!  I have some fresh 3-cheese sourdough bread, and wine, so I am not starving.

But the big thing is that I am here!

It is my hope for this to become a place for me to go and get away – what do I have to get away from?  A fair question.  It is not as if I have a complicated life that needs a lot of relaxation.  Actually… it is exactly like I have a complicated life, and need a lot of relaxation.  I need to get away. We have been coming here for a couple of years, so I already feel comfortable here, but this is a bit more of a test.

I have already had several episodes of wanting to run away.  It hurts.  I have put a lot of time and effort into being able to come here.  I can not give up so easily.

Day2

Well… I have actually been here less than a day.  But it is my full day here.  I had a nice breakfast, and then went out to get the things I forgot – toothpaste et.al.  I am back on the 3rd floor in the ocean view reading room.  Much of my day will be here – I do not feel like going out.

Last night was very difficult.  After dinner at Nana’s Pub, I came back to read.  As the evening went on, my anxieties grew.  I had to fight a huge desire to go home.  It took a long time to get to sleep… though I did sleep well once I fell off.

I have been preparing my thoughts for this rip for over a month.  I know this place well enough to have figured out exactly what I would do each day – almost each hour.  That keeps me going.  All I have to decide is what to eat.  And I studied the menu of the one place I am going, so I know what to expect.  This is a place for reading, and my Kindle is full.  And I have music and movies on my tablet.  So I planned carefully to the last detail.

I could not have even thought of doing this f I did not know, and like this place so much.  I have had this concept in the back of my thoughts for over a year.  I was very careful.

Yesterday when I arrived, I was ready for everything to go wrong.  I was worried, and upset.  But so far, everything has been just as planned – except locking my keys in the car.  But then, that is why I had a spare key in my pocket.  I was very careful in my planning.  I only forgot to bring my snacks… so I bought some here.  No problem.

I Need to say more about Myself

I am very happily married – though there are those flashes!

We “get” each other, and know when to just say to ourselves, “whatever”… and move on.  We know what is really important… and we know what is NOT.  We know that flashes of emotion, are only displays of our deeper wants, and needs.  There is joy wrapped within them.  And it all makes us stronger.

Here is the thing.  I am going to write even more about my own experience within my own world.  I am going to write about why I believe things.  And I know the process of resolving conflicts with our beliefs, can become empowering.  I have done much of this… but I have not organized the thoughts.  There needs to be more structure to it.

My brain does not work the way most people’s do.  But it also gives me some interesting abilities.  I can easily view 3D images in my mind… rotating then… even exploding them to visualize all the parts… screws… and whatever, in 3 Dimensions.

I can conceptualize a 4D object… I can “visualize” the axis grid…

So I know my brain is not diminished.  I am okay.  Even if my mind comes up with odd conclusions ,there is no reason to diminish my intellect.  If you can not connect to the concepts I present, then maybe it is your intellect that is lacking.  Or not.

There really is no way of  knowing.

If you know me, you know my mind does not work as yours does.  But is it Wrong?

Separating Behavior from Thought… a difficult battle for those few who find the need to Define Themselves to Themselves.

When you are depressed you loose the ability to intellectually… do anything.  That is not an option.  But we still feel the emotional side… and there is also our philosophical side – it may be our religion, or any philosophical concept of existence.

You become a captive held away from the World.  Depression takes away our ability to defend ourselves.  So we hide.  We run away.  We will do anything to avoid the ___ that comes at us.  And each of us has our own Structure of Fear… the things we need to avoid.  No-one can point to any example of how they feel, because there are no examples… everyone is different. 

There is nowhere to point your finger.  So to most people, what you say is little more than fantasy.  You know the feeling… when something so deeply within you, is smiled upon as a passing fancy by those you share it with.  What becomes important to us, is but trivia to them…

Contacting Me

Use the email address – “neil-fb” (then put that funny little “at” symbol — the one that looks like an “and” symbol with a circle around it – it is usually above the 2), “naplak” and then a “dot” (which used to be called a “period”), and then “com”.  <—that last dot is actually the period at the end of the sentence.

NOTE:  If you want your comment posted, please say so.

2014 – An Even Numbered Year

Even numbered years where the digits add up to 7 (or 5), are lucky!

I have never been one to celebrate New Years very much – it seems so arbitrary.  But it is a new beginning of sorts, so I will take it as a good thing.

Depression has been overwhelming me some the last few days, but at least it does not last weeks like it used to.  So another thing I will take as a good sign.  That big lighted “Portland” sign is a good sign too.

I am trying to be optimistic as I look forward.  There are good things coming up in the next few months.  I have some concerns about my ability to go some places.  It helps to be wearing the One Ring.  So I am still sort-of optimistic.

Today I am trying to just recover from yesterday’s depression.  I need to eat, and slowly think things thru.  I do not have to go out for a few days… though I might.  I have been trying to get myself to the Hobby store for a while now, and it would be nice to go out to dinner…

My biggest goal for the next couple of months is to finish my Space, and get more comfortable here.  And then to gradually start back to going some of my places – like the Hobby store.  Support Local Businesses!!!!

So Happy New Year to all, and I will keep writing for the masses! Smile

2013 – My Year in Review

This year started out with a lot of hope… and it ends that way too! Smile

Last Winter I learned some important things that have greatly helped me to start moving forward again.  And I am now on the right track.  There were some major setbacks, but they will fade into history as the new year gets going.

The holidays have been difficult – they always are.  But I feel even that will be better next year.  Being around groups of people is hard for me even when I know them.

I will be going on my very first overnight trip by myself, in the first half of January – that is going to be a big step!  And things at home have been gradually improving for me.  I am able to do more every week.  There is room for optimism.  I know which way to go now.

Sure… there are obstacles ahead, but I think I can see most of them, and though there will be struggles along the way, I feel better than ever about my chances.  I am having less anxiety about my life, and day to day anxieties are down as well.  I have reason to feel better about just about everything.

Home life is improving, and I am feeling better about my isolation – there is really nothing out there I feel like I am missing.  I have a wonderful home, and a supportive love.  And my kitties really like me!

I am actually looking forward to next year!

Living With Phobias – At Least for Me

Phobias do not just turn off when we need them to.  They are always part of our lives.  They eat at us until they win – or we push them back.

I am not a therapist… so I can only write about my own experiences.  Learning to fight phobias is one of the most frustrating things I have ever tried to do,  The powers of phobias ebb and flow in unpredictable ways.  I have had to get used to failures at unexpected times (always?).

My concept of Embracing Agoraphobia goes back about 4 years – my psychologist and I worked it out.  The basic concept is that if I can not go out, it is not the end of the World.  Nothing has changed if I stay home.  So go out when I can, and where I can, otherwise staying home is fine.  There are places I can go – Walgreen’s, the Hobby store… to get cat food…  So those are the places I can count on when I need to.

I really do love my home.  And my own space is taking shape, and has become very comfortable.  It is my safe place.  Having a safe place to go and stay when I need it, is absolutely necessary to being able to move forward.

I only go out where I want to, or where I have to. 

Sometimes I don’t go anywhere for more than a week.  And that is just fine.  I do not have to go out to prove anything to anyone.  I do not have to go out for anyone else.  So I don’t.

It is not a perfect system – but what is?  There are times when I feel bad about not going somewhere.  And I really would like to be able to go out more.  But there are plenty of more important reasons I might feel bad.  In the scope of the world, staying home is a very small issue.

Other people have a lot more difficulty getting used to it than I do! Smile

Biggest Cause of Anxiety…

Things that should happen but might not.

It seems so simple…   And…   Sadly…   It is…

When people you know are suffering from very high anxiety, the best thing you can do is to just go on as if everything was normal.  The anxiety is probably about a fear of things not going the way they should.

So just keep swimming… just keep swimming…

Wanting to Go Out

Sure!  There are times I want to go out, and can’t.  It hurts, and sometimes I crash out as a result.  But even that can get better.

I plan my trips carefully – I am sure my readers understand that.  I try to only go out once a week, and I try to go to some fun place if I have to go somewhere not-so-fun.  But even that is not enough sometimes.  And then I feel like I have failed.

Many of you know how it feels to not be able to go out at the last minute.  It feels like such a huge personal failure.  But think of this – if your leg was in a cast up to your hip, you would not be so hard on yourself for not going.  You have a cast on your brain!  Smile

OK… that is not really a very good analogy… but it is true. 

We are only just beginning to develop an understanding of how the brain works.  It is the most complex machine on Earth.  So give yourself a break.  If others can not, or will not see how you suffer, then their evaluation of the situation is faulty – to say the least.  You know, and that is what matters.

I do not know who the “you” is that I am writing about… but you do.

When I fail to go out, it does not bother me as much as it used to.  The people whose judgment I was so keen to accept, are not here anymore.  They have all faded away.  Now there are very few left… but they are the ones who matter.  They are the ones who try to understand.  And when they can’t, they still make allowances.

Listen to those friends.

And listen to your own mind, and heart.  It is your life to enjoy, or not.  And you can make it what you need it to be.

Now… I am saying all this to myself as much as to anyone who reads this.  These are things I have to remind myself of every day.  Above are just some of the things I have to remind myself of every day.  It’s like a ritual – I have plenty of those too, but that is for a different Blog.  My life is mine to live… people who don’t get it, or won;y try, are not my problem.

The Agoraphobic Lifestyle

Embrace your Agoraphobia, and make it work for you.  I do not mean to huddle in your home forever, but by working with your agoraphobia, you can prioritize, and actually do more, and get out more.

This is what I have done in the past, and am working on doing more now.  Most of my life and interests are here in this house… but I want to be able to go out when I need to, and for fun things for me.  I want to be able to go on trips, and visit places I like.  Next month I am even planning an over-night trip by myself!

So the goal becomes to make those trips easier by not going out when I really don’t have to.  The anxiety of going out – planning going out – is greatly reduced.  In the long run, I end up being able to go out more often, with less anxiety.  But don’t push it!!!  That is the key.  Don’t let things start to pressure you to go too fast, or too far.

I will never be able to go out like most people, but that does not mean I have to live in fear… under the anxiety that comes.  This gives me more control, and that leads to a better life.  There are so many fun things I can do here at home!  And they get easier when I have less anxiety.

Of course… having things delivered helps.  There are things that have to be worked out.  But it can be done, and things get better for everyone.  Personally, I do not see the downside.  I do hope to keep making progress, and for things to get even easier.

Baby Steps…

I take one week at a time.  I have a routine for the week, and if things go well, I can get a lot down and have a lot less anxiety.  When things work, my life feel very nice!

It happens.

Most weeks I can hold my own… things are OK.  The problem is that right now, there are more weeks below average, than above average.  I am working to change that.  I am slowly improving my world.  What is one small thing I can do to make my space a little friendlier today?  I do not think about it every day… but many.

Today I am doing laundry, and mapping out the project of finishing the lighting in may Painting Room.  Small things… I will lay out a small project that will simplify the junk on my Hobby Bench  — that will clear some space I need to working.

Then I will try to finish up the hull of the HMS Elizabeth.  At least I want it to be ready for priming. 

That will be a lot to do for today.  A Chore… Planning and Prep… Hobbying.  That makes for a nice combination.  One good day at a time!

This runs into trouble if I start to get mentally overloaded… which is happening much more easily these days.  Even simple things send my mind into retreat.  Decisions elude me.  I hit walls at every turn.  So I am simplifying… everything!

Go Slow…

I Have Intellectual Conversations With My Cats…

Of course… they do not respond… or seem deep in thought… or close to a solution… they mostly have trouble keeping their eyes open.  But their company is every bit as much appreciated!  They add just as much to my life.

In my efforts to build up my life at home, I am pulling back some from social contact – I know… how could I pull back any more than I already have been?  Deleting Facebook is a first step.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and conversing with them.

This is mostly an internal thing… it is about what I am thinking about.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and how they will respond.   I can put some things out of my mind.  It’s a start.

Improving My Life at Home – Goal 1

I need to learn how to enjoy myself at home.  I used to be able to do this much of the time.  Then I went back to college, got my teaching credentials, and spent 15 years teaching.  I retired 13 years ago, and am just beginning to get my old joys back.

Recently I bought myself a Kindle, and have got back into reading like I used to.  My dyslexia does not seem so bad reading from the lit screen.  I like it.  I may even write some reviews!

That is one small part of my current thinking.  There are things I would like to spend more time doing.  Most people would just say, “Then just do those things.”  I get it.  But it is not so easy when you have to fight anxiety, and avoid depression.  And I get so tired of fighting it all the time.  So I am learning new things to help create new patterns in my time.

I have set up my Tablet on my hobby bench, so I can watch stuff while I am working.  It helps break up anxiety into smaller bits.  There are things I can do.  I am trying to establish some long term (a few weeks), relatively predictable time so I can plan, and follow thru.

At the same time, there are things I can not control.  Most I think I can learn deal with.  But some are more fundamental living condition issues that hamper progress.  Such is life.