Category Archives: Good Things

A Very Small Thing – and Cheese

… I never learned was to to hide my reality.  Oh… I got very good at hiding it from people who did not want to see it.  And I am very good at hiding myself.  But I tend to let people right into my brain without enough vetting.

This Blog would be a good example of that.  I am not good at keeping things in.  That just does not work for me.  Maybe there is just too much of it for me to handle alone.  Or maybe I need to run things by people to see how it all sounds…  Whatever the reason is, I have to write, and I want people to read it.

My blogs tend to be short, and hopefully to the point.

And then Cheese will always help too.  It’s a good thing.  I do use food to help calming myself sometimes, and there is usually cheese. 

I do believe that our bodies to not metabolize dairy fat the way they do other finds of fat, and so it is not as “bad” for you.  Just ask the French.

Reports of My Demise have been Greatly Made Up

I am still here… still struggling.  But I am still moving forward.  Things are slowly getting better for me at home.  I am getting more done.  There are times when I have to deal with setbacks… but isn’t that just part of life?

I have been sitting at my workbench, watching Futurama… and Once Upon a Time.  I stream them from my own Video Server.  I can get a lot done once I get into the right state of mind.  Add some espresso, and good food, and I am all set!

There are still some major problems to deal with – one thing at a time.  But I really do feel as if I am on the right track.  At least most of the time I think so.

Doing Well vs. Having Energy

Today I have done well.

I did not have much energy at all.

But overall, this is a good thing.  At least in the mental illness category.  I felt better, and did not have to work as hard to keep going.  I didn’t accomplish much at all… I had so little energy to work with.

What I have learned, is that I have not simplified my life enough.  So far… not nearly close.  There is still too much input, for my ability to manage it.  I use the word “manage” specifically, because that is what I have to do.  And the more complex my day becomes, there is less I have left for actual real world activities. <—see how I avoided the word “things”?

I need a smaller world.

I need more people within my smaller envelop.

But I have so many other things to deal with, that I can not overcome them enough to have the energy to do what I wish for.  An impartial observer might wonder why this would be any real problem at all – just do it.  Things look pretty good when you are on the outside. 

All those ideas belong in the world of the “normal”.  I am not normal.  Ask anyone.  Seriously.  Ask anyone.

So if I am not normal, why would people treat me as if I am… and why would I be subject the the same concepts about what is an acceptable amount anxiety?  Is it fair to judge me, or treat me, as if I am “normal”, when you would have a hard time finding people who know me who would say I am? And there are millions of other “me”s out there.

We hide so well, even our spouses have a hard time finding us.  We learn from a very early age to never let the world see how we really feel, and what we really think.  And never talk about what goes thru your mind.  The World is a place to be hidden from.

Yesterday Was Really Bad

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had recently.  From the moment I got up, I struggled to stay going.  I was constantly pushing myself, and working at stopping upcoming crashes.  It was never a sure thing.

But thru it all… I held on.  I commented on my social media, and even got a few things done around here.  I was able to go on well enough that I am pretty sure no-one noticed.  I help up.  I even ate.

Days like that happen.  Usually there are breaks during the day, but this was just one of those days where nothing helped.

This is something I have got slowly better at.  I can struggle longer, and harder, and still make it thru.  It is one more small step forward.  I don’t think it will make any difference today… but these things add up.  I have to play the long game.

I just kept telling my brain to stop trying to crash me out, and relax, and go along one more time.  I pushed very hard.  One thing that has made a big difference, has been getting my office more user-friendly.  It makes it easier to relax.  If I can not control the flood of thoughts in my brain, then I can not stand up long.  Having my space, where I am comfortable, and I do not have chores to do, helps.

That’s good.  My paint-room is still lagging… but I do not need to spend time there, so I can ignore it… for now.  Things build up in my mind so quickly, I can not control the flow of thoughts.  So being where I am now, helps me slow down the input some.

Now I have today…

We Have Dealt with the Whole “Crazy” Issues Enough for Now – So a Report Card.

So… I am doing much better in 2 major parts of my life:

1)  I am doing much more at home.  Both household jobs, and hobby activities, are getting done more often, and easily.  It is generally easier for me to do most everything.  I have been able to manage anxiety, and avoid depression most of the time.  I am having an easier time calming my mind.

2)  Going out is becoming easier – within limitations.  There are very few places I can go by myself, but with planning, I have even gone on an overnight trip by myself!!  I am now also much more confident about going places with Lori – I think I could prepare to go just about anywhere.

These do not solve all my problems.  I am by no means finished.  And there are always pitfalls, and obstacles to overcome.  I still have to crash out often.  But I recover.  And I am able to move on with just a bit of lost time.

There are other issues.  But I am trying to most concentrate my efforts on the above 2.  If I can get those under more control, I will be ready to move on to the other, and bigger problems… in time.

I give myself  B+

 

I Have NO Desire to be with People who Find Me Boring

FIRST: Let’s get it straight!  I AM boring.  BUT my mother always taught me, that we can be interested in anything, if we want to be.  Damned if she wasn’t right!  There are topics I have had to turn away from… because of various grossness issues.  But even they were probably interesting in many ways.

So if I am not interesting at all?…………………..

What does that mean?

Are my topics all boring?  They are things of intellectual interest?… but they will not lower the price of eggs?  My mother and father taught me that if we limit what interests us, we limit what we can learn.  You can not learn, if you do not reach beyond what you already know.  It took me a very long time to fully understand this.  But now it is a core of my soul.  The World interests me, because I am a part of it.

Nothing happens here, that does not display there…

So how can you be friends with someone, if you do not care about things they care about?  It is not a good beginning.  Why spend time with people who do not care about things you care about?  noff said

What my mother, said several times at least…  This is I believe a quote:: `People who care about you, will care about what you care about.’

Next: so, what if you’re crazy?

Lori Loves Niki Lauda!

We watched “Rush” and “1” yesterday, and now Lori loves Niki Lauda!  “Rush” is the Ron Howard film about the struggle between Niki Lauda and James Hunt to win the 1976 Formula 1 World Championship.  “1” is a very good documentary about the development of Formula 1, and the shifting towards an emphasis on driver safety.

Lauda is featured in both films.  And the Austrian managed to Super-Impress Lori.  And “1” is more like a movie than a documentary most of the time.

I made the observation that the documentary shows some parallels to what is happening in the NFL today about safety.  The sport is changing to start putting more emphases on safety.

If you watch the films, watch Rush first… the documentary gives away the ending.

Woodburn, Oregon… My Home

This is a museum downtown on Front Street.

WDB-1209a-022

I really like living here.  We are quite close to Portland, and all sorts of great places to go.  As I try to go out more, I will be working to visit those places more often.  I am working on getting my Photography going again.  And that even interconnects with my other hobbies, as I will be going to the Evergreen Air Museum – where the Spruce Goose is.

To Finish First, You Must First Finish

I do not know who first said this.  I have heard it was Enzo Ferrari… but it does not sound like him to me.  He was like Lombardi – it’s all about the winning.

Whomever said it first, I have found it refers also to live.  You can not achieve your goals, unless you are willing to finish your life.  You can not decide how you have done ahead of time.  Wait and see how things go.

That does not mean people should try to finish their lives early.  Quite the opposite.  Live is a long haul issue.  We have to think about our lives as if they can go on forever.  Otherwise we will most certainly shorten our thinking, and shorten our lives. 

I think what it means is that we can never know how we have finished, until we have finished.  And in reality, that is the only thing that matters.  How are you going to feel about your life in those last moments?

Short of that… all our pronouncements, all our judgments, all our callings for a better society, all our opinions of others, mean nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing… can I make that point any clearer??  We are what we are, and our life is what we make of it.

All that matters is how, we are allowed to see ourselves.  I was careful about those words.  We need to be free to see ourselves as we really are – to see the hidden good.  There is humanity within us, and we must first treat ourselves with humanity.  Live for the goodness within you.

Stop telling people how they should feel.

My Life’s Passion

As far back as I can remember, I have been Obsessed with efficiency.  Every movement is a test in efficiency.  How I do everything is carefully designed.  And there are so many outside intrusions – things I must think about.

This may be one of the reasons I like building scale models – there is an exactness to it that most hobbies do not have, (though some have more).  It is all about the detail.  It is impossible for me to do, or observe anything without thinking about how to make it better or more efficient.  Just ask Lori.

It is as fundamental a part of my life, as glass is to Dale Chihuly.  It is what my brain does best.  And it matters that it matter.

I design things in my mind… things I can make in my shop.  The design gets better and better – read that as fewer and simpler parts.  But I get to a Eureka point, where I know I am done.  Suddenly, I know the designing is the best I can make it… move on.  This is such a good feeling… it is like everything being perfect, all at once.

It can take a while to get there.  But the more freedom my mind feels, the more easily I reach that feeling.  It is a very good thing.

I am trying to change how I live, to make my life more conducive to that feeling.  Part of it is getting away from home, from time to time.  My hobbies are another big thing.  But whatever it is, getting to do those things, gives my mind the joy, and reassurance we all need.  Freedom of mind is very important.  It gives me Peace.

SOON:: Distractions of the Mind

Newport, Oregon…

This is the bed in the Jules Verne Room at the Silvia Beach Hotel.…

DSCF1221

This is one of the rooms I like to stay in when I go to Newport.  This is my place to escape from reality – literally as well as figuratively.  There is a large squid tentacle coming out of one wall though…

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.