Category Archives: Good Things

Finding Ways to the Center

I am feeling better today.  I am more rested, and my brain is helping out more.  There is still a lot of anxiety hanging around, but there are definite signs of improvement.

HMS_Hood_(51)_-_March_17,_1924Last night was full of nightmares like the night before… though they were not as bad.  And I am doing better this morning too.  Things will be fine.

There are times when I just can not keep up the fight.  The last few days have been one of those times.  It happens.  Usually it is a good sign actually… it means my brain is feeling safe enough to stop pushing so hard.  Or… it means I have completely collapsed.  This time, I can tell from feeling better, it’s the better kind.

Does that make sense?

There are times when I am feeling pretty good, that I can have more anxiety spikes.  My defenses take a lot of effort… not needing them can let anxiety slip thru.  BUT… depression is rarely involved at those times.  I can recover and be just fine.  There are parts of my brain that just want to relax, and turn off.  It does help.

It can look bad to someone else… but the anxiety passes quickly, and things really are good.  It’s all part of the process.  Anxiety is always in the shadows… no matter how well things are going.  I have to go along with the flow, or things will start to get worse… nobody wants that!!

Oh the picture?  That is the HMS Hood.  It has nothing to do with the post.

Waffles with Blueberries and Blueberry Syrup

Waffles-001For some reason, this suddenly sounded very good.  My Mom liked waffles.

I have been thinking today, about the fun things I can have at home.  I have been figuring out some things for my Shop.  I am more focused on my own private life.

And I will be focusing on home life.  There is only one other person I should be thinking about.  I can not make friends.  It does not work for me.  That is not to say I never will be able to have friends… it just means I can’t do it now.

I will focus on my life.  I will not be devoting energy to people outside this home.  I won’t put them off… but I won’t make any efforts.

Actually, this will be very difficult.  There are times when everyone feels the need for company.  I need it too sometimes.  But I can avoid it if I am careful.  There may be times when I can not make my brain work as I wish.

I honestly believe that would be better for me for a while.  There are things to not like about it, but it would be a lot less stressful.  And when I reach out, no-one responds… no-one wants to just talk about it.  It’s okay.  I am probably one of the more difficult people to talk with.  So I end up pushing people away…

There are many details to figure out as I go along.  I can make it work.

AND… I found my car key.

On Being Non-Social

I am not anti-social… I am non-social.

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Here’s an example:: say there was going to be a small garden party at our house.  I would probably be around – I would be there to eat, and maybe a bit more.  I might rather it not happen… but it could be fun for a while. 

So I am not anti-social.  I just have no intention of planning for any such event.  And I can not socialize long before wanting to learn more about someone, and I must not do that.  Like… if I found someone liked photography, then I might think about a photo trip.  But I don’t want to think of that.

So I can wonder off into my office, or my shop… I can reappear when I feel I can.

Is it lonely?  You bet.  But ya gotta take the bad with the good.

And it is not like there is a lack of things for me to have fun with around here – I have a wood shop and metal shop (small), plus my office.  I should be putting my energies into my hobbies… and stuff for Lori!   Smile

AND… I have had this wonderful feeling… as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I have actually been feeling good!  There will be lots of ups and downs, but aren’t there always??

PS… this Blog was posted accidentally early.

PPS… the photo is at Butchard Garden near Victoria, BC, Canada

My Offensive Misuse of Punctuation

I know, in my writing, I misuse punctuation at times.

, . – : ; / … ‘ “ () [] {} ?!

I write a lot.  In one year… not too long ago… I filled 17 Journals.  The average is about 9.  What can I say, I like to write.  I have wonderful fountain pens that I can write with endlessly, and never get writer’s cramps.  There have been times in my life, when I wrote a lot of letters too.

People have told me my handwriting is very nice.  And I hope easy to read.

BUT, I have developed my own use for some punctuation… to better suit the way I write – especially in my journals.  Here are a couple of examples:

em dash – It’s that long dash like the one right before this sentence.  I prefer it to show a significant connection between to (grammatically correct) sentences.  They could be independent sentences, though one might not make a lot of sense.  My point is to emphasize the connection.

ellipses… I use as an extra long pause.  If you were reading this aloud, this is where you would take a breath.  Though honestly, you are probably going to breath at other places as well.  But that is what I use it for.  Take a mental breath.

Whereas, I know people who would see this misuse as a sign of the coming apocalypse, I will continue to use it, and duck under my desk when I see your car.

And I have some new ideas as well… like… what ever happened to the interobang?!

And don’t get me started on Colons and Semi-Colons.

What Theater Can Do

 

ArtSkyline

Theater can change lives.

A couple of years ago, I saw a play that opened a huge collection of memories I had lost track of.  Thank you Mark Bedard.

They did a version of Animal Crackers at OSF.  It was fabulously funny.  Even Mark (Grouch) lost it when Mr. Pickles appeared.  We saw it 3 times.

But there was much more to it for me.  It brought back memories of time I spent with my Mom watching movies – Saturday Afternoon at the Movies.  As well as other days during the Summer.  It was mostly movies from the `30s and `40s… including the Marx Brothers movies.  It was a wonderful time.

I was not happy as a child… but these times with my mother were some of the best.  And I developed a love of the old movies.  So when I saw one on stage, as it was meant to be, it was rejuvenating.  Two years later, I still smile when I think about it.

And this year, they are doing The Coconuts!  One of life’s great joys.

Theater has the power to bring all sorts of memories, and association into our minds.  The Play is the thing.

A Little Here… and a Little There

Help comes in many forms.  It can sneak up on you from unexpected places.  We have to be aware, and be receptive for when it comes along.

Just when I was wondering if my Blog was of any real value, if it mattered at all… someone comes along, and reads the entire thing… every Blog!  Suddenly, I feel a nice contact, and a bit more reassured.  Little things matter.

Thank you to all the bringers of goodness, and peace.

Those of us who hide, have a hard time reaching out.  We have a hard time making contact even when we do.  But when we do, it can be a wondrous thing.

What is that Bright Orb Up in the Sky?

Could it be the Sun?

90 degrees in Oregon… in June??

I write in spurts.  There will be several Blogs in a row… and then a break.  I do not always know why that is happening.  It’s not a bad thing… just odd.

I will be seeing a new psychologist next month.  I sent her the URL for this Blog, and she said she thought we could work together.  Shouldn’t it have scared her off?  I mean… she is a professional.  I am glad I have a little time to let it really soak in, and to get ready.

I do not have a lot to say now… so…

A Sense of Community

I live in Woodburn, Oregon. 

WDB-1209a-035

As I have mentioned, it is the only city in Oregon with a majority of “minorities”.   People seem to react to that when I am asked where I am from – mostly in Newport.

I feel a tremendous sense of community here… and that is a pretty big thing to say for an agoraphobe.  But everywhere I go in town, I am made to feel comfortable.  I am greeted kindly, and enthusiastically where-ever I go.  And in places I go frequently (for me) I have been greeted by name… even though I have never told them…

People in this town care about each other.  I do not fear the people where I go… even new places.  I feel very much at home here, and I resent the implication that there is something wrong with where I live!

You want me to unfriend you?  Just react to Woodburn in anyway that smacks of racial prejudice… or that there is something wrong with this town.  I love it here.

In the Age of New Things

Well… the whole new meds thing seems to be… not an option.  We are tweaking the time of day I take things, to soften up the edges, but I am going to have to do all this on my own.

I am up to it!

This is not what I was hoping for, but nothing is worse today than it was Wednesday.  So I just need to keep going along as I have been – things have been improving.  There is more to learn about how my liver works, and that may give some new clues as to what might help.  If my 2D6 is too “robust”, I may be able to take even more of one med… but that will have to be seen later.

I have a name of a new psychologist, that my psychiatrist has recommended as a good match for me.  I have emailed her to see if she is taking new patients.  That will help too.

There are always new options, and all I can really do, is keep trying.  It does get tiring, and discouraging, but what else can I do?

Have a good weekend all! Smile

Session Yesterday with My Psychiatrist

After going to the Dentist yesterday morning, I went to see my psychiatrist.  Mostly we talked about my meds – I am still struggling too much of the time.

I am adjusting the timing of one of my meds for a couple of weeks to see if that helps.  After that we may alter the form of my med – I could try the Extended Release version.  Then things get more complex.

There is a new kind of Liver test that shows how your liver deals with different kinds of chemicals.  The test shows the efficiency of 6 different pathways thru the liver, that can determine how some drugs are metabolized.

Primarily, the 2D6, and 2C19 pathways are most involved in metabolizing psychoactive meds.  My 2D6 may be too efficient.  That would explain why I need twice the maximum recommended dose of one med, and why that is not enough.  My liver may be eliminating it before it can do its job.

If may also show why Vicodin did not work very well for me.

The down side… the test is about $1000, and it is classified as “Experimental”.  So insurance will not cover it… but I may have no other way to go.  I can’t just keep trying me meds, and combinations.

Where the Heck Have I Been?

Caliban is home after being missing for more than 2 weeks… but I have not written since he has been back.  My energies were depleted while he was gone, and have taken a while to build back up some.  I am still not quite right, (am I ever?).

I missed one trip to Newport while Caliban was missing… I hardly went anywhere except to look for him.  I have been out a couple of times since, so that is about back to normal.

But my mind still seems to be off a bit.

Actually, I have been having a lot of unusually sudden low periods.  I am swinging back and forth emotionally more than is normal for even me.  How long will this go on?  (that is a rhetorical question)

My little beasties are very important to my life.  They are my friends.  And they really do make my life easier – except in the morning during feeding time at the zoo.  But it is all worth the effort.  Maybe I am just being overly vigilant right now…

I have had many thoughts about what to write, I have just not been able to think them thru.  I hope to get back to more regular writing soon.  Once my mind settles back down to its normal craziness, things will be better.  Until then… pet Caliban.

BTW… the Cat Fence has been repaired so Caliban can not get out again.

Inside out, and Outside In

Some things are going well… and some things are not.  But overall, I like the direction I am headed.  I suspect this is all part of my plan.

At home, things are going very well.  I am getting more done, and feeling better about it.  There are still some anxiety management issues… and I am not going to let myself go crazy with expectations.  I know the anxiety is here to stay – nothing magic will make it just go away.  But I am more positive about managing it (at home) than I have been for a long time.

It’s getting out, and socializing that is not working.  Once again, being more comfortable in what I am doing, may be making it harder to do other things.  I will deal with them later.  But I have got my hopes up about doing things with people a couple of times, only to have it fall apart.  Crap…

BUT… one things at a time… right?

I still crash out a few times a week, but now about half the time I will read in bed instead of just hiding under the covers.  Another improvement.  I may read junky books sometimes, but SO WHAT!

There are times when I can get lost in my own activities – sure, it does not last long, but at least it happens.  I try to pay more attention to these times than to when I am feeling bad – I am not doing very well at that.  Things will get better.

There is still hope for Chartreuse

My time has been too full the last several days.  There is a family problem to deal with, cats to the vet, and a new crown on a tooth… Too much.

Yesterday I started falling under the pressure.  I am okay, but I have been drained, and I am just sort of coasting along, trying to make things work.  One thing at a time.

I am feeling better about my trip last week, and the next one coming up.  But I have more important things to worry about now.

I have picked the next psychologist I will try going to… though I do not know when that will be.  Some time in the next month or so, I will go.  But as things around home continue to stabilize, I am fine with seeing how it goes for a few more weeks.  Starting to see someone new will take energy, and resolve, but it will help a lot in the long run.

My psychiatrist recommended her, and likes my plan of letting things settle a bit more first.

As for today?  I do not expect to get much done.  It will come in short bursts of energy.  And sometimes, I get a lot done that way.  It all depends on how the first few things go.  I will pick initial tasks that are pretty well defined, and easy to do.  That gives me the best start… and the best chance at success.

All I want is to tinker around the house, and get some things done to make it easier to do more… and then more.  I would like to get the garage finished – it should only take a couple of hours… spread out over a couple of days.

Small plans lead to big accomplishments.

And that nice new chartreuse ink I got is great for highlighting!

They Have a Cat Named Shelly…

The Sylvia Beach Inn has a cat that roams the entire building.  Her name is Shelly.  This last time I was there, when I first went to leave my room Wednesday morning, Shelly was sitting in the hall, facing my door, and meowing.

She knows a cat person when she sees one.

Shelly also followed me around most of the day.  Crazy cat.

It was very relaxing, and rewarding to be in Newport.  Don’t go looking for Silvia Beach though… that was a person.  She owned a Shakespeare bookstore in London.  The hotel is at Nye Beach.  There are no TVs, or even wi-fi.  The place is ALL about reading.  And I sure did my share this last trip.

The whole trip was fun – except as previously noted in my last Blog.  But it got me into a whole new range of thoughts.  Is it enough that is was so fun to be there?  Or does it need to have a lasting effect when I get home, to make it worth going?  I have been thinking about that way too much.

I have also been thinking about the panic I had that second night.  Maybe I need a flannel blanket.  I suspect this is a problem that would gradually fade, even if I do not do anything about it.  As I get used to being there, and sleeping there, the anxiety should fade away.  But I am still going to have a Plan B.

My next trip will be in a few weeks.  I think it will be a lot of fun… I am going to go to the Aquarium again.  Maybe I will go a new place.  But the point of being the is the Hotel.  So I don’t expect to go many places.  Good food is close at hand…

Back Home, and into the Real World

Yesterday I got back from Newport again.  Things went pretty well, and I was able to relax most of the time.  I read 2+ books, and had some nice meals.  I met a nice couple from Albuquerque that I had breakfast with twice.  I also bought myself a present.

But there were also problems.  One was that I kept in too close contact with Lori, and it kept me thinking about things at home too much.  Even though they were mostly good things, so it did take time to relax again.

The main problem I had was the late evenings.  Both nights, I had way too much anxiety.  The second night, I almost had a panic attack – I was able to deal with it, but just barely.  It was very bad.  I wanted to come home.  So I will need to figure out that issue.

I did not sleep very much, but I did not feel very tired, so I think it was okay.

And I have a plan.  I think I should stay up in the reading room until later into the night.  I was going back down to my room to read, too early.  Once I was back in my room, the anxiety started to build.  Maybe I was not ready to go back to my room – the reading room on the top floor is a very special place.

I came home feeling more relaxed than when I left – that was not the case after the first trip.  So things are improving, and I expect that to continue.  I was very relaxed while I was there, (except as noted).

There will be more about my trip in further Blogs… including some things I wrote while I was there.