Category Archives: Bad Things

Trying to Hang On

Most of my life, I have been near the edge of insanity.  The struggles in my mind take me so very close to a complete collapse that it overwhelms my thoughts.  And things get worse sometimes.

The last few months has been a rough time, and I have not been able to hold up very well.  I have been off and on Facebook several times.  My mind has descended into darkness regularly.  There are thoughts there that I can not express here.  I know what the raged edge looks like.

Today is a particularly difficult day.  I am shaking inside, and on the verge of screaming.  I am lost.  I have to start over, and I barely have the energy to keep going.

I do not expect others to see what is going on in my internal fights.  I retreat into myself, and into my office, or bed to sleep.  I have been sleeping about 14 hours a day just to relieve the pain.  Nothing holds much interest to me, so there is nothing “fun” to do.

The struggle goes on.

I can not just make this go away.  All I can do is try to ease the stress, and keep going.  But “keep going” is a very painful way to live.  It leaves me totally alone… trying to exist in my own mind.  I have to live inside my mind all day, every day.  There is not escape.  And there has not been enough rest recently.

It is difficult to stay sane.  Struggle is my constant companion.  There is never real rest from it.

And I can not be around people… I can not hold my mind together, still get thru the things I have to do, and be social at the same time.

I fail.

Watching the Minute Hand Move

I do not know what to do now…

I will not be going back into therapy right away as I had hoped.  I will need some time to establish my footing again.  Then I will start looking for some alternative.  And my path is not as obvious as it would seem.

But my confidence is fading.  How am I supposed to trust a system where I can be dropped after 8 years of therapy, and then be ignored.  It does not seem very professional to me.  But it is not up to me I suppose..

If I have to start therapy over from the beginning, with someone new, it will hard for me to build confidence.  And there will be a lot for anyone new to learn before we can really get anywhere.  And why should I trust anyone anyway??

Unfortunately, I do not have much of a choice.  I can not continue the way I have the last few months.  In the next few weeks, I will have to make some difficult decisions.  Things that will affect the rest of my life.  I need to do the right thing.

And… I do not even know how long to wait for a response to my email.  Three days seems like enough time for her to have replied.  I suppose I could still hear, but I am not sure how to react.  The delays in hearing back, and the difficulty of making appointments was the main reason I stopped going in the first place.

Her Web Site says she is not currently taking therapy patients.  So I guess my answer is there.  Maybe that is my answer.

ADDITIONAL: I will remain patient as I can. Smile 

I Live the Week Alone

From Monday, thru Friday most every week, I am alone.  My wife travels, so she is not here.  She emails a bit, and that is nice.  But she has not called me during the week, for months.  She doesn’t want me to upset her.  I guess it’s okay.

So I have no affirmation of my life – except on Facebook.  I have to deal with everything around here on my own.  It is usually a struggle to just stay up all day.  So I do not get enough things done.  Lori does not like that.  I should be able to do all that stuff…

I must not be trying hard enough.  If it’s too late to plan something for tomorrow, then I just need to push more.  Right.  I can not go out on one days notice like that.  But “There’s absolutely no reason” why I can not just plan, and go.  Nope… I am not seeing that.

So here I am.  And here I will stay.  Though I am honestly beginning to wonder about the whole staying thing.

Gibraltar Falls…

On me.

Events have not been moving in my direction.  I have dug myself into a position, where I am going to be forced into an attempted solution that I do not have much confidence in.  I do not know…

I am very confused right now.  It is early in the day, but I can not see any light.  My world keeps getting darker.

There are some very deep issues I need to deal with.  Until I do, I can not resolve many of the little issues – like how much I go out.  Yes, that is actually a little side issue.  It is a symptom, not a stand-alone problem.

The cart is before the horse.  I am in a position where I must resolve the symptoms before I can work on the actual internal problems.  I have been trying to do it that way for too long, and it is doomed to failure.  Things do not get better.

So I need to get back to working on what is really happening in my brain, in a way that can lead me out of this horror.  And I am going to have to do it completely on my own.  I do not know if I even can start.  Things have got so dark, that I have no hope left.

Here the big problem is that I am not sure how much I care any more.  I have been fighting this too long.  Every day I have to fight for control… to keep from crashing out entirely.  And I just do not have the energy to do more than just get thru the day.

It is not going to get better.

I Would Rather Have the Nightmares

All in all, I would rather face the nightmares of sleep, than my real world.  I do not belong here, but there is nowhere else to go.

Whenever I sit to write a Blog, I have to be careful… I have to filter what I want to say.  I leave out some important points because I do not want to upset anyone.  I have few enough friends as it is… I do not need to push any more away.

I do not have a plan.  I do not have any direction to go.  My biggest problem is that I lack a support system.  There is no-one I can turn to for support, and know it will be there.  Most of the time I have absolutely no support at all.  I have to get thru everything on my own – then try to take care of Lori’s needs when she comes home for the weekend.

On the weekends, I have to get even more done in order to reduce stress around here.  So there is never a time for me to get what I need.  And let’s face it, I need a lot.

Until I can build some kind of support structure under which I can have room to fall back if I need to, I can not take any chances that could disrupt my precarious balance.  So I wait.  I have been waiting for a long time.

Everyone has their needs.  When you have a stressful life, and work at a difficult job, you need time to relax and recover – weekends.  My life is… very stressful, and I do not get that weekend.  I understand.  Each of us has to find our own way of making it thru the hard times,  I have not found mine yet.

Time is growing short.  It gets harder and harder to take action.  The worse I get, the harder it is to take chances.  Then I become even more isolated.  It is a terrible cycle.  And it only gets worse.

So I sit here, as patiently as I can, waiting for the opportunity to come along.  But… it has to be a very solid base now before I can even plan a step.  It’s not going to happen.

Always be Prepared!

I try to be prepared.  When there is something really important to be ready for, I can plan it out, and usually make it happen – within reason.  That is what I did last week.

I was going to try a short shopping trip to a new place, and one I have been to many times.  It was all set for Friday.  But Wednesday I started working on preparations for something else.

My efforts went very well.  Friday I was able to calm myself enough to remain relaxed thru the day.  I cut back my plans so I could do just one thing.  Things did not work out though…

Saturday I struggled just to make it till today.  I did… I always do.  But I have fallen into depression.  There is only so much energy to get things done.  I try to figure out where it goes, but that does not always work.  It did not this week.

I do not know what to do.