Most of my decisions are greatly influenced by fear. The fear of potential bad outcomes. Which choice had the least fearful path. But my brain does not trust my judgement. So I like to be able to see what someone else thinks. That is where I have problems. Who would that be?

Obviously, it can only be Lori.

I throw out plans that I can not support externally… to someone else I trust who thinks I can do it. Left to myself, plans fade away quickly succumbing to fears of failure. Usually it means not being able to run an errand. Sometimes it is much bigger. I can not commit to anything down the road. Who knows where my brain will be in four months? And I can’t have four months of worrying about it every day. So… no plans for nice trips.

Fear.

Why start something I will not finish? I never finish anything. But I keep trying… as much as I can. Trying smaller things, that don’t matter so there is less to lose. Chores… but nothing else really matters. I have to make things not matter. I have to believe all these things don’t matter.

“It doesn’t matter.” Are words I speak far too often. Fear makes us stop caring. We have to stop caring before we get swept under all the failures.

Some things haunt us… things we are drawn to do, but can not. We might spend hours thinking about it, without ever being able to accomplish anything.

But… I keep trying. J