No… I am not ready… even 10 days in.

How many times a day do you have to stop, and tell yourself `things are ok’? It gets tiring to almost constantly reassure myself. ‘Keep going… everything is ok’… I say to myself. ‘You’re ok”… on and on.

So it does not come as a surprise that I can not get much done. I spend much of my time trying to figure out what I can do, and what I care enough about. Some days I do not get anything done… some days I just can not get going.

Today, I will try to do a couple of things for myself… of course, there is a lot more to be done around the house, but sometimes I want to have fun… I want to enjoy my time. But I have to work too hard most days. It becomes overwhelming, and I often go to bed early. I am sleeping away my life.

Nothing seems to matter. It does not matter what I do, if I have no-one to share it with. I really do not know what to make of it all. Some days I do okay, and some days I sleep 18 hours. I really do hate it, but I get so tired of fighting. And there are few rewards for being successful. It just means I will have to do it all again tomorrow. Mondays are the worst – it reminds me of a whole week lost. They add up to years lost.

I guess I am not doing so well today. I will keep trying… what else could I do? Or… today may turn out to be a good day. There is no knowing. My moods can turn quickly when something goes wrong. And let’s face it, things go wrong. If only things going right would have as great an affect.

I seem to be not very positive today. it happens.