Monthly Archives: January 2017

Every Day is Just One Day

Yesterday… what can I say. I had a bad day.

I couldn’t get up at my normal time because I couldn’t think of anything I could actually do. I got up 6 hours late. But then I went to bed 4 hours early… does that balance out? Maybe not…

Background noise in very important to me. I usually have some show marathoning, that I don’t have to pay too much attention. But the voices, and people talking helps me stay focused. Silence digs at me – though technically there is never silence. I always hear a slight hissing, and constant tones in my ears. Normally it is too soft to hear… It doesn’t bother me… but I digress.

I have these days too often. Usually I get better during the day, but not yesterday. It feels like there is nothing to be happy about – Dementors? – like everything is over… finished and I have nowhere to go. It seems like the world has stopped, and there is nothing for me.

Today will be better. There is no “why” it happened… it just did. Trying to find the cause is usually counterproductive.

Wish me luck! J

I Am Afraid of Dogs

This is particularly strange since I grew up around cats and dogs. But I do not trust dogs. I can not predict how they will behave. Cats, I get. They are quite predictable actually. That is probably because they don’t care how I feel about their behavior. Until I shout!

But… why did I become afraid of them? I am seriously disturbed by dogs… especially if they are free. For a while, I even sometimes carried a pistol to protect myself from dogs. The gun is basically useless against humans, except as a noise maker. But with a dog, I don’t have to wait for it to get too close if it charges.

THAT is how far this phobia advanced. I no longer carry the gun… and yes, I did have a carry permit.

Back to the issue at hand…

Where did this fear come from??

I used to free-climb cliffs in the Olympic National Park… now I am deathly afraid of heights. Where did I get that? It does not make sense to me. But I can NOT walk across a bridge, unless I would be ok if I fell off it. The Deception Pass bridge in Washington is a great example. I had to sit down half way across, and lock my arms around the railing. I can not even watch a TV shot that looks down.

Thinking and writing about it now is greatly increasing my anxiety. Why??

These are things I grew up with! Now I can barely walk down the street.

I used to drive all over the Northwest, and parts of British Columbia, by myself. I slept in the back of my 1967 Datsun PL 411. Beige. I bought it from my Mom. Today… traveling is very problematic. I panic out at the last minute too often – once is too often.

What the Hell???

So much deterioration. Especially over the last five years or so, my abilities have diminished. I like what I can do, but I do wonder what I am missing.

Overall, I am fine with where my life is, and I just want to get better at doing these things. Maybe I will get back to where I was.

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Watching World at War…

Oradour-sur-Glane… if I visit Europe, I must go there. I promised my father I would try. He was in the European War in WW2. He saw things I still see in my mind. He taught me what he saw.

I know I have written about this before. But I am feeling especially far from my father tonight. It is a family long lost to me. I still struggle to understand the stories my father told me. Especially now. Fascists come to power thru very strange ways. Hitler was losing political power in early 1930’s, when he was called to “lead” a new government… because he was weak, and could be controlled. They would use him. It did not work out that way.

Everyone underestimated him. Everyone thought he would pass… the Nazi’s could not last, and everything would move on. Things would be fine soon. Then June 30, 1934.

I am watching “The World at War” – BBC. The definitive WW2 documentary. It helps. I watch it a few times a year. I read. I research. I have always had a drive to understand WW2, and I am finally starting to see a developing real-world example as to why I should. Throughout the world, the fascists are gaining. Those who believe they have all the answers, and no-one but them can help. Give them the power, and they will solve all your problems. Look around people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2017… Already?

No… I am not ready… even 10 days in.

How many times a day do you have to stop, and tell yourself `things are ok’? It gets tiring to almost constantly reassure myself. ‘Keep going… everything is ok’… I say to myself. ‘You’re ok”… on and on.

So it does not come as a surprise that I can not get much done. I spend much of my time trying to figure out what I can do, and what I care enough about. Some days I do not get anything done… some days I just can not get going.

Today, I will try to do a couple of things for myself… of course, there is a lot more to be done around the house, but sometimes I want to have fun… I want to enjoy my time. But I have to work too hard most days. It becomes overwhelming, and I often go to bed early. I am sleeping away my life.

Nothing seems to matter. It does not matter what I do, if I have no-one to share it with. I really do not know what to make of it all. Some days I do okay, and some days I sleep 18 hours. I really do hate it, but I get so tired of fighting. And there are few rewards for being successful. It just means I will have to do it all again tomorrow. Mondays are the worst – it reminds me of a whole week lost. They add up to years lost.

I guess I am not doing so well today. I will keep trying… what else could I do? Or… today may turn out to be a good day. There is no knowing. My moods can turn quickly when something goes wrong. And let’s face it, things go wrong. If only things going right would have as great an affect.

I seem to be not very positive today. it happens.