Inside, there are more forces holding me back from doing things, than pushing me to do more. It is made more difficult by not having others to talk to about things. Lori can do only so much. Isolation is not a solution to anything. And it saps away any incentive to do more.

One might think the accomplishment of doing things would be enough… one would be wrong. Most of my little accomplishments feel empty. There is no-one to share any of it with. I am trying to learn to do things just for me… privately. Most of the time, it works out just fine. Then I hit the Wall.

The Wall is an obnoxious period of time from about 1pm to as late as 5pm, when I tend to crash.

I get up about 3am – on good days – so approaching 12 hours, my motivation seems to all flow away. “Why stay up?”, becomes the only question. And all too often, I give in, and go to bed early… for 12 hours of “sleep”. One result is that I sleep too much. Sometimes I can’t tell if I am tired, or if my brain is giving out. I have no idea when I should go to bed, and when I should get up. Am I rested?

The more I do, the better I am. So I keep after it. Eventually, starting, and overcoming obstacles, becomes too much of a struggle.

Overall, I am getting better. But it is hard to see. And I have been fighting it for so long. There are decades lost. And I fear things will not get much better.

But I keep going.