I guess I should not have said that… I am told it will make things worse.

I seem pretty good at finding what makes things worse, but no-one seems to know what I should say. I makes me feel there is nothing I can say. That I have to get used to this life. I should be used to it by now… you’d think.

What should I do? I have problems recognizing threats. My brain interprets anything neutral – like no response at all – as a potential threat. When I don’t hear back, or the response is neutral – like “OK” – my brain signals to prepare for “fight-or-flight”. I feel this horrible fear something is wrong. Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me? I can’t identify what it is, so fear takes over. sometimes I strike out at things… sometimes I vanish into the woodwork. Think Facebook.

All those reactions make things worse. But I can not see it happening. Lori will point it out after, and I can see her point. But I still feel the same… I would still react the same way. It is not possible for me to see it happening. Later I can always see I have made things worse, but I do not understand why. It’s not easy realizing my own emotions are wrong.

People’s reactions don’t make any sense to me. I do not understand what is happening… fight or flight.

That has always lead me to end up alone. Lori can do only so much. I can’t only talk to one person – but I have not had a conversation with anyone in years. Not more than talking to a store clerk, or the UPS person.

Give me credit for trying. I keep trying. Nothing is easy. I have to recover many times each day… depression and/or anxiety can take over my brain at any time. Dozens of times a day, I have to stop myself, and calm down. I say “It’s okay”… “Calm down”… “Keep going”… and other words of self-encouragement, to myself. It either works, or I crash out.

Mini-crashes are bad… But I do try again… and again. Why? What did Einstein say about doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?

PS Thanks for the nice comments N.