Monthly Archives: June 2014

Living in a Huge Shadow

I literally had teachers tell me I was not the student my sister was…

I have a One-on-One IQ of… well… all 3 tests were above —.  I am smart.  My mind can work so quickly, it astonishes me.  I can conceive/visualize in 4 dimensions.  But still… I have never been good enough.  My sibling could do everything well.  “They” had lots of friends.  So it was obvious that I should be the same.  I should follow in her (opps) footsteps.

Wow

My parents were always very supportive.  My mother and I became very close in her later years.  We literally talked about everything… and I do mean we talked about anything, and everything.  She really only listened to my advice.  And I think that was because we discovered we had the same mental issues.  Our brains went crazy in the same directions.  It created a bond.  We actually understood each other!!!!

But still today, most people think I need to meet their goals.  They know best.  So… why would I be alive again?

Levels of Success

A frequent issue I had when growing up, was that I could not ever live up the expectations of my older sibling.  If I set my own goals… and achieved them… it would not matter because I was not the one who set the goals.  My sibling did.  I could never be good enough.

40 years have taken away almost all my soul.  I try to take small steps forward… but I am still faced with the attitude that I am not capable of setting my own goals.  I must achieve the goal they set down, before I can be successful.  They will “not let me off the hook”, or will say other things, that ALL lead to the same basic concept… all I have to do is do more, or try harder.  I have to try harder, so I can meet their goals for me.

I have not even yet achieved my own goals… insisting I meet greater goals is purely… Try Harder… Do More…  And it also implies that I will not be accepted if I do not meet their goals, because I would not have tried hard enough.  Or, I may be “accepted”, but everyone also accepts that I just didn’t try hard enough.

My goals are never enough…

Finding Ways to the Center

I am feeling better today.  I am more rested, and my brain is helping out more.  There is still a lot of anxiety hanging around, but there are definite signs of improvement.

HMS_Hood_(51)_-_March_17,_1924Last night was full of nightmares like the night before… though they were not as bad.  And I am doing better this morning too.  Things will be fine.

There are times when I just can not keep up the fight.  The last few days have been one of those times.  It happens.  Usually it is a good sign actually… it means my brain is feeling safe enough to stop pushing so hard.  Or… it means I have completely collapsed.  This time, I can tell from feeling better, it’s the better kind.

Does that make sense?

There are times when I am feeling pretty good, that I can have more anxiety spikes.  My defenses take a lot of effort… not needing them can let anxiety slip thru.  BUT… depression is rarely involved at those times.  I can recover and be just fine.  There are parts of my brain that just want to relax, and turn off.  It does help.

It can look bad to someone else… but the anxiety passes quickly, and things really are good.  It’s all part of the process.  Anxiety is always in the shadows… no matter how well things are going.  I have to go along with the flow, or things will start to get worse… nobody wants that!!

Oh the picture?  That is the HMS Hood.  It has nothing to do with the post.

After the Long Struggle…

The last couple of months have been very stressful.  Not just for me, but Lori is starting a new job this week.  And there have been all sorts of other issues to deal with as well.  So things have been really stressful for both of us.

relaxing-pictures-hammockNow comes that period, as things are settling down, that my brain starts to switch out of protective mood – a lot of energy has been going to fighting anxiety, and depression for too long.  Now that I can relax some, my brain takes the week off, and leaves me with virtually no protections.  My brain is on vacation.  I just don’t have the energy to fight it now.

My brain, and my mind, are not on the same page.  My physiological brain, wants to shut way down for a while to recover.  But my mind wants to take advantage of the improved conditions, and jump forward.  Unfortunately, my mind has to take into account the fact that I am really tired from so much stress over such a long period.  My brain wins.

OK… I know this is just my impression of what is going on, but it is easier for my to understand what is going on, if I think of my brain, and my mind, as being different things.  My brain is the more physical part – that’s where the chemistry is not quite right.  My mind is more the ethereal part.  That is the part that makes final decision, and tries to implement them.

My brain has gone on vacation… and I am having a lot of trouble handling anxiety and depression right now.