Daily Archives: May 31, 2014

“Well that’s just stupid! :)”

An email from my wife.

YES!!!! And I need to figure out why my Brain does that!!!  my response

My brain makes the same stupid decisions over and over.  I am a smart guy, but just about anyone could see the signs of disaster before I crash out.  Ask anyone who has known me… I do run into the same public wall, over and over.  I do not know how to respond to people.  I always assume I am much more accepted than I am.

Everyone knows what the result of all this is. 

And I am one of them.  I know the logic is faulty.  But no matter how prepared I am, I can not overcome some part of my brain, that insists that I must react a certain way… regardless…  Try to imagine how frustrating it might be, to see this error, within your own brain, but to be totally unable to stop it from happening.

I have been making the same mistakes for 40 years – probably a few hundred times..  And each and every time, I suffer a crushing blow.  My newer meds schedule, is smoothing things out along the way – I do not have as many ups and downs during the day.  So that is good.  But there is still something wrong.

To me, my observations seem to suggest it is more likely to be physiological, than psychological.  I am not saying it is physiological, it could also be chemical, but the constancy, and regularity of the kind of emotional errors seems to point this direction. 

I have nothing to back up this thought, other than it seems to make sense.  So it would be one good place to start looking for truth.  And that is how I work.

“I don’t want anything…”

I have said these words too often in defense of my crazy brain.

garden-party-table-close_horizIf there is something I want… truly want, there will also be great fear of it not coming about.  Something almost always goes wrong.  When my anxiety about it is getting too high, I will back out, and say I want nothing.  It is safer to run away, and get nothing, than to take the chance of being let down.

It is a formula for disappointment.  But fear can make us do many things.

Waffling back and forth results in… alternating between hope and happiness, and fear and anxiety.  The back and forth can be very draining – it hurts.  But the really bad part is that eventually I end up with nothing… even though that is not what I wanted.  If I do it well, people may not even know I lost what I wanted.

I do this on a fairly regular basis.  It is less disappointing than having things fall apart at the last minute.

So my life is often about trying to find the way to be least disappointed.