I do not control how strongly I feel my emotions.

I stay home, and hide.

It is mostly an effort to keep emotions from swarming over me, and taking control of my life.  When I was young, I could control things a bit better… not a lot, but a bit.  Now I just want to find some peace in my mind… I want the emotions to roll back, and let me enjoy life.  And I can only do that here.

Today, I have to avoid as many emotional entanglements as I can.  It is a quiet life.  It is the only life I have found where I can relax much, if not most of the time.  I like my home.  I do not see it as a prison… though it feels like it some times.

Emotions swirl thru my mind, until all I can do is listen, or escape them.  I prefer to escape.  But that leaves me vulnerable to the emotions, actions, or whims of others.

So I am here.  And it can be a very nice life… very happy.  That ends up depending on the actions of others.

The most balanced times of my life, have been when I was truly alone… when I lived alone.  Even when I was teaching, I could go home.  There was a place for me.

And that is what I am building here.

Right now… I am sitting here with the lights low… candles and stained glass lamps.  A scented candle adds a pleasant aroma to the air.  My kitties around me.  It is a place of dreams… a place I can only hope will continue.

A place of Peace of mind.