Monthly Archives: May 2014

“Well that’s just stupid! :)”

An email from my wife.

YES!!!! And I need to figure out why my Brain does that!!!  my response

My brain makes the same stupid decisions over and over.  I am a smart guy, but just about anyone could see the signs of disaster before I crash out.  Ask anyone who has known me… I do run into the same public wall, over and over.  I do not know how to respond to people.  I always assume I am much more accepted than I am.

Everyone knows what the result of all this is. 

And I am one of them.  I know the logic is faulty.  But no matter how prepared I am, I can not overcome some part of my brain, that insists that I must react a certain way… regardless…  Try to imagine how frustrating it might be, to see this error, within your own brain, but to be totally unable to stop it from happening.

I have been making the same mistakes for 40 years – probably a few hundred times..  And each and every time, I suffer a crushing blow.  My newer meds schedule, is smoothing things out along the way – I do not have as many ups and downs during the day.  So that is good.  But there is still something wrong.

To me, my observations seem to suggest it is more likely to be physiological, than psychological.  I am not saying it is physiological, it could also be chemical, but the constancy, and regularity of the kind of emotional errors seems to point this direction. 

I have nothing to back up this thought, other than it seems to make sense.  So it would be one good place to start looking for truth.  And that is how I work.

“I don’t want anything…”

I have said these words too often in defense of my crazy brain.

garden-party-table-close_horizIf there is something I want… truly want, there will also be great fear of it not coming about.  Something almost always goes wrong.  When my anxiety about it is getting too high, I will back out, and say I want nothing.  It is safer to run away, and get nothing, than to take the chance of being let down.

It is a formula for disappointment.  But fear can make us do many things.

Waffling back and forth results in… alternating between hope and happiness, and fear and anxiety.  The back and forth can be very draining – it hurts.  But the really bad part is that eventually I end up with nothing… even though that is not what I wanted.  If I do it well, people may not even know I lost what I wanted.

I do this on a fairly regular basis.  It is less disappointing than having things fall apart at the last minute.

So my life is often about trying to find the way to be least disappointed.

Waffles with Blueberries and Blueberry Syrup

Waffles-001For some reason, this suddenly sounded very good.  My Mom liked waffles.

I have been thinking today, about the fun things I can have at home.  I have been figuring out some things for my Shop.  I am more focused on my own private life.

And I will be focusing on home life.  There is only one other person I should be thinking about.  I can not make friends.  It does not work for me.  That is not to say I never will be able to have friends… it just means I can’t do it now.

I will focus on my life.  I will not be devoting energy to people outside this home.  I won’t put them off… but I won’t make any efforts.

Actually, this will be very difficult.  There are times when everyone feels the need for company.  I need it too sometimes.  But I can avoid it if I am careful.  There may be times when I can not make my brain work as I wish.

I honestly believe that would be better for me for a while.  There are things to not like about it, but it would be a lot less stressful.  And when I reach out, no-one responds… no-one wants to just talk about it.  It’s okay.  I am probably one of the more difficult people to talk with.  So I end up pushing people away…

There are many details to figure out as I go along.  I can make it work.

AND… I found my car key.

On Being Non-Social

I am not anti-social… I am non-social.

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Here’s an example:: say there was going to be a small garden party at our house.  I would probably be around – I would be there to eat, and maybe a bit more.  I might rather it not happen… but it could be fun for a while. 

So I am not anti-social.  I just have no intention of planning for any such event.  And I can not socialize long before wanting to learn more about someone, and I must not do that.  Like… if I found someone liked photography, then I might think about a photo trip.  But I don’t want to think of that.

So I can wonder off into my office, or my shop… I can reappear when I feel I can.

Is it lonely?  You bet.  But ya gotta take the bad with the good.

And it is not like there is a lack of things for me to have fun with around here – I have a wood shop and metal shop (small), plus my office.  I should be putting my energies into my hobbies… and stuff for Lori!   Smile

AND… I have had this wonderful feeling… as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I have actually been feeling good!  There will be lots of ups and downs, but aren’t there always??

PS… this Blog was posted accidentally early.

PPS… the photo is at Butchard Garden near Victoria, BC, Canada

My Offensive Misuse of Punctuation

I know, in my writing, I misuse punctuation at times.

, . – : ; / … ‘ “ () [] {} ?!

I write a lot.  In one year… not too long ago… I filled 17 Journals.  The average is about 9.  What can I say, I like to write.  I have wonderful fountain pens that I can write with endlessly, and never get writer’s cramps.  There have been times in my life, when I wrote a lot of letters too.

People have told me my handwriting is very nice.  And I hope easy to read.

BUT, I have developed my own use for some punctuation… to better suit the way I write – especially in my journals.  Here are a couple of examples:

em dash – It’s that long dash like the one right before this sentence.  I prefer it to show a significant connection between to (grammatically correct) sentences.  They could be independent sentences, though one might not make a lot of sense.  My point is to emphasize the connection.

ellipses… I use as an extra long pause.  If you were reading this aloud, this is where you would take a breath.  Though honestly, you are probably going to breath at other places as well.  But that is what I use it for.  Take a mental breath.

Whereas, I know people who would see this misuse as a sign of the coming apocalypse, I will continue to use it, and duck under my desk when I see your car.

And I have some new ideas as well… like… what ever happened to the interobang?!

And don’t get me started on Colons and Semi-Colons.

What Theater Can Do

 

ArtSkyline

Theater can change lives.

A couple of years ago, I saw a play that opened a huge collection of memories I had lost track of.  Thank you Mark Bedard.

They did a version of Animal Crackers at OSF.  It was fabulously funny.  Even Mark (Grouch) lost it when Mr. Pickles appeared.  We saw it 3 times.

But there was much more to it for me.  It brought back memories of time I spent with my Mom watching movies – Saturday Afternoon at the Movies.  As well as other days during the Summer.  It was mostly movies from the `30s and `40s… including the Marx Brothers movies.  It was a wonderful time.

I was not happy as a child… but these times with my mother were some of the best.  And I developed a love of the old movies.  So when I saw one on stage, as it was meant to be, it was rejuvenating.  Two years later, I still smile when I think about it.

And this year, they are doing The Coconuts!  One of life’s great joys.

Theater has the power to bring all sorts of memories, and association into our minds.  The Play is the thing.

A Pattern Develops…

What I am experiencing in my life now, is that same pressure that has pushed so many Depressives into solitude.  It does not matter that I would like to be social… I never can be.  So life is easier if I disappear.

I should have given up a decade ago.  There has never really been any chance of me having friends.  I can never fit in.  There was only a few years in my life when I did have friends… sadly, that was about when my brain started going really off.

When I try, something goes wrong… I end up just upsetting people.  And it pushes me a little farther away.  I get to where I do not want any interaction with people… that way they can’t let me down.  Except, it really is my fault.  I am the common thread.  I am the one who is different.  I am the one who doesn’t fit in.

I can not understand the way people react… or more commonly, don’t react.  My frustration at being isolated often overcomes me, and I go too far.  I have to stop trying.  I have to stay away from people as much as I can.

Maybe then I will find some peace and happiness.

Trying to Sleep thru the Fire

My main goal the last 4 days has been to sleep.  Today I just lie there watching the clock… and waiting for it to get dark out.  I have the same movie going over and over.

The roar of the bridges burning behind me is deafening, but also strangely comforting.  Now I will not waste time hoping for something that can not happen.  It will be easier to sleep, and fade away.

I know I say things I should not.  But I also know there are a very great many things people should be saying to me.  That is not going to happen.  People don’t know what to say.  Though I doubt any would try even it they did…

I try to reach out, but I can not keep my thoughts together.  I end up lashing out instead.  The world is such a lonely place.  I understand that I have no place here, and people would rather I just shut up, and disappear.  This becomes my only outlet.  It’s easy for them to ignore me when all I do is write here.

Maybe I sound a little angry?  I am.  Angry at… stupid fricking little chemicals in my brain.  It’s no-one’s fault.  But my misery.

Sorry… a bit of ranting there.

Cut Your Losses and Run for Cover

That is what I do.  When I start to see things going wrong, it’s time to give up, back down, and walk away.  It is better than getting beat up too often.

If you don’t want anything, then you can never be disappointed.  I try to not want anything.  It does not really work, so I end up hurt anyway.  But when I can no longer stand up for myself, discretion triumphs.  It also has the benefit of letting everyone else off the hook…  And let’s face it, things never work out anyway.

The View Can Be Nice From Here

The sun might be out at times.  And there are some nice plants growing on the walls.  The echo sounds good if you sing to yourself… or you can pretend it is someone else talking.  And lightening would not make it down the hole to the bottom.

Even in the Pit, there are good things to think about.

I spend a lot of my day doing just this… trying to find the good parts of the world.  And my ideas can be pretty much of a stretch, but it is often all I have.  Like right now.  The one about the plants really did make me feel better.

It’s all I can do to hold on.

A Little Here… and a Little There

Help comes in many forms.  It can sneak up on you from unexpected places.  We have to be aware, and be receptive for when it comes along.

Just when I was wondering if my Blog was of any real value, if it mattered at all… someone comes along, and reads the entire thing… every Blog!  Suddenly, I feel a nice contact, and a bit more reassured.  Little things matter.

Thank you to all the bringers of goodness, and peace.

Those of us who hide, have a hard time reaching out.  We have a hard time making contact even when we do.  But when we do, it can be a wondrous thing.

U-Turns on to Infinity

I am a fairly smart person.  But I am trapped in a brain that does not work well.  I am usually smart enough to hide the confusion, and despair from people around me – they don’t like to see that.  I make mistakes.  Bad ones.  Then I am left alone to try to work my way out of the Pit.

Why would anyone assume someone with serious mental problems, is always going to be logical, and reasonable?  I am not always either of those things.

I can say I am sorry… but it all still counts against me.  I get it.  People don’t really care why you do things… they are not going to attempt to delve more deeply into someone else’s problems.  So often, the most vulnerable people, are the ones most at risk of being labeled, and forgotten.  The ones who need the most…

I say I am sorry… and that totally dismisses any and all of my thoughts, concerns, or expressed needs.  I was crazy when I said those things.  So they are obviously wrong.  Nothing I say will ever get a fair hearing… I am crazy.  It is all forgotten until the next time.  I guess I am stupider than I thought.

Of course, this is all my fault.  I fight for myself, then have to u-turn and become passive.  I want people to understand, then turn around and push them away.

Yup… crazy…

Beware of the Agoraphobes Amongst Us

Yes… we are out there.  Most of us can push ourselves to go out.  That does not mean it was easy… it also does not mean it was not fun << Crap!  Done in by the old double-negative (like “non-fiction”).

Things can be fun, and even more draining than things that are not fun.  I can have fun.  But it can also cause anxiety – especially if it means challenging my boundaries.  And a LOT of things do that.

The BIGGEST PROBLEM is that once people see you out, they assume that’s it.  To most of them, you are now cured.  If you fall back, that works against you.  People do not see the cost of the effort to plan, and hope to go out, on any efforts to feel… good.

We can get very easily discouraged when others expect us to make more progress now, because we did so well……… so…… why should we try so hard… again?

“I do not do birthdays”

I used to say this a lot around this time of year.  I probably still would if I was around people much.  I do not like my birthday – I do not remember ever liking it much.

I do not know why.

The closer I get to my birthday, the more invisible I become.  I go off social media, and turn off my phone.  The last thing I want is to have people wishing me a Happy Birthday.  I hide.  It really does help.  But it is not a lasting solution…

I have not worked on this problem – it only comes up once a year, so it’s not such a bad thing.  It has been easy to let it slide.  And a couple of days from now, it will not be a problem again.  It will slip away for another year.

There have been very nice birthdays… one party when I was 22 was great.  Since then… not so much.  This is entirely my fault.  I hide, and do not let people get close around my birthday.  I say I do not want anything… because that is how I feel.  So the good intentions, and even efforts, of others, get blocked.

Things are what they are, and I just need to relax, and ignore…

Sometimes, I Can Not understand how I got this far…

My personal history, seems as a nightmare to me now.  To had to stand in front of people, and teach…  I can not imagine doing that now.  It could not really have happened.

I can not understand how I did it.  It’s like once having been able to fly… and now I can not understand how I did it.  And from my point of view, that is a good comparison.  It seems like flying… how could I have done that?

My mind is not able to go places Ii it used to be able to go.

I am not sure, but I think I like it here better.  But that does not answer the question.  How could I have done that?  And what brought me here?

When I think about teaching… or as is more common, I have nightmares about it, it is my Hell.  How did I get here?  My mind has changed…