Monthly Archives: February 2014

Fooling Little Experiments in Life

We all try things from time to time, where we later think, “What the Hell was I thinking?”  I do that a lot.  And then I wonder why I keep trying.

But I do keep trying. 

The biggest problem I have, is that I usually can’t figure out what was wrong with my thinking!  When it comes to issues involving other people, I do not understand what to think.  I seem to be wrong about how people will react, and what they will think, virtually always.  I get it wrong.

This, above all else, has pushed my into seclusion.  Of course… there are the anxieties, phobias, and depressive episodes as well… so it is hard to say what has caused the most problems.  I just don’t have the energy to keep pushing anymore.

So I carefully plan out my efforts.  The slightest things going wrong can force to to quit.  I crash out and retreat into myself, and my home.  I can not predict how things will go, no matter how careful I am.

There are times when I want to completely give up.  That does not work either.  I must have some contact.  So I keep trying.

A Very Weak Week

The last few days have been very trying.  It sort of started when I missed the Super Bowl, and things went downhill from there.  Everything I try to do to meet people, or go out, or be in contact with people, has blown up in my face.  The only things I can do, are alone.

What I am seeing is more isolation ahead.  I can at least go to a nice secluded place to get away… but as far as people are concerned, my life has gone even farther from having any friends.  I just need to stay home.  No-one will ever be better off for knowing me.

I am working on getting my office all finished up – I have made very good progress.  I can be comfortable here, by myself.  I have my hobbies.  But at the same time, I know I will have to make this pretty much my entire world.  There is nothing else.

My mind has been degraded.  I simply do not care as much anymore.  There is not so much to care about.  And it is clear, I can not think the way everyone else does.  I can not make a life with other people in it.  The only thing that works for me, is to be alone.

Just ask anyone… I am crazy.  I am weird, and unpredictable.  I am not a good friend.  I am best forgotten.

Three Blogs in one day?  I will try to slow down.  Smile

My Social Media Burp

After careful planning, I set up a new social media account.  I made sure it was all set private, and wrote I wanted to keep a low profile.  I said I would not post much on other people’s pages, but I was there. 

I invited 12 people to be friends.  And 10 had accepted before things went horribly wrong.  I deleted the account.  I am very sorry to those friends.  I hope they see this message.  It was not your fault.

My First Super Bowl Party!

Yesterday I had my first Super Bowl party ever!  I grew up in Seattle, and have always watched the Seahawks.  This whole season was great… leading up to the Super Bowl.

My first Super Bowl party… and I missed it.  I was unable to attend.  I tried to sleep thru the whole thing.  I was crashed out.  Nice.

I Am a Very Weak Person

I always have been.  There have always been people who know better than I, and have more confidence than I, and who run over me without even noticing.  I have got much worse over the last few years.  This is what I was like before I was a teacher.

Teaching made me feel confident, and I was able to exert my desire, and influence more.  But since retiring, I have lost all that ground.  I have gradually become a doormat.  You don’t even have to try to run over me.  No matter how hard I try, or how long I prepare, I can not stand up.

It takes confidence to stand up for yourself… even on seemingly small things.  I back away at the first hint of failure.  Then I feel lightly around the edges for some sign of something to be self-confident about.  It usually works for a while.  But over a period of time, it wears me down, and I fold like a cheep suit.

This is ALL my fault.  There is no-one to blame but myself.  If I fall apart, it is up to me to figure out what to do – though usually I just give up.

Over time, it gets easier, and easier to give up.  And it gets easier and easier for others to give up on me.  I get is.  That is human nature.

So I retreat again… and farther.  And the next time it will be even harder for me.  I will fail even more spectacularly the next time.  Or I will finally learn to stop trying.  I gave up on making new friends… I gave out on being more social… what’s next?

There must be other things I can give up on.

I hear a very quiet… “I told you so!”    inL

Lori Loves Niki Lauda!

We watched “Rush” and “1” yesterday, and now Lori loves Niki Lauda!  “Rush” is the Ron Howard film about the struggle between Niki Lauda and James Hunt to win the 1976 Formula 1 World Championship.  “1” is a very good documentary about the development of Formula 1, and the shifting towards an emphasis on driver safety.

Lauda is featured in both films.  And the Austrian managed to Super-Impress Lori.  And “1” is more like a movie than a documentary most of the time.

I made the observation that the documentary shows some parallels to what is happening in the NFL today about safety.  The sport is changing to start putting more emphases on safety.

If you watch the films, watch Rush first… the documentary gives away the ending.

Woodburn, Oregon… My Home

This is a museum downtown on Front Street.

WDB-1209a-022

I really like living here.  We are quite close to Portland, and all sorts of great places to go.  As I try to go out more, I will be working to visit those places more often.  I am working on getting my Photography going again.  And that even interconnects with my other hobbies, as I will be going to the Evergreen Air Museum – where the Spruce Goose is.