I always have been.  There have always been people who know better than I, and have more confidence than I, and who run over me without even noticing.  I have got much worse over the last few years.  This is what I was like before I was a teacher.

Teaching made me feel confident, and I was able to exert my desire, and influence more.  But since retiring, I have lost all that ground.  I have gradually become a doormat.  You don’t even have to try to run over me.  No matter how hard I try, or how long I prepare, I can not stand up.

It takes confidence to stand up for yourself… even on seemingly small things.  I back away at the first hint of failure.  Then I feel lightly around the edges for some sign of something to be self-confident about.  It usually works for a while.  But over a period of time, it wears me down, and I fold like a cheep suit.

This is ALL my fault.  There is no-one to blame but myself.  If I fall apart, it is up to me to figure out what to do – though usually I just give up.

Over time, it gets easier, and easier to give up.  And it gets easier and easier for others to give up on me.  I get is.  That is human nature.

So I retreat again… and farther.  And the next time it will be even harder for me.  I will fail even more spectacularly the next time.  Or I will finally learn to stop trying.  I gave up on making new friends… I gave out on being more social… what’s next?

There must be other things I can give up on.

I hear a very quiet… “I told you so!”    inL