Monthly Archives: February 2014

A Very Small Thing – and Cheese

… I never learned was to to hide my reality.  Oh… I got very good at hiding it from people who did not want to see it.  And I am very good at hiding myself.  But I tend to let people right into my brain without enough vetting.

This Blog would be a good example of that.  I am not good at keeping things in.  That just does not work for me.  Maybe there is just too much of it for me to handle alone.  Or maybe I need to run things by people to see how it all sounds…  Whatever the reason is, I have to write, and I want people to read it.

My blogs tend to be short, and hopefully to the point.

And then Cheese will always help too.  It’s a good thing.  I do use food to help calming myself sometimes, and there is usually cheese. 

I do believe that our bodies to not metabolize dairy fat the way they do other finds of fat, and so it is not as “bad” for you.  Just ask the French.

Reports of My Demise have been Greatly Made Up

I am still here… still struggling.  But I am still moving forward.  Things are slowly getting better for me at home.  I am getting more done.  There are times when I have to deal with setbacks… but isn’t that just part of life?

I have been sitting at my workbench, watching Futurama… and Once Upon a Time.  I stream them from my own Video Server.  I can get a lot done once I get into the right state of mind.  Add some espresso, and good food, and I am all set!

There are still some major problems to deal with – one thing at a time.  But I really do feel as if I am on the right track.  At least most of the time I think so.

My Seat-mate in Driver’s Ed.

When I was a sophomore in High School, I took Driver’s Ed.  almost everyone did.  We had those classroom tables that had 2 chairs.  So Mark and I sat together.  It was the beginning of 2nd semester.  And one weekend, early on in the semester, Mark, and 2 students from a neighboring high school were killed in an auto accident.  They hit black-ice while speeding.  They had not been drinking.

He was my friend. 

And suddenly I was back in Drivers Ed. on Monday morning… and there I am sitting by myself at our table.  It made me feel horrible – like I was completely alone in the world.  Then… the teacher announced that to “honor” Mark, his seat would stay empty the rest of the year.  And there I sat.

I know what it means to lose someone close to us, way too young.  The big problem is that all together too many of us have that experience.  And we never learn how to deal with it.  We get better.  But it will happen again, and if you have a good soul, it will hurt you just as much.  That is what it means to be human.

And… there is NO “too young”.

For me, this was made much worse.  For the rest of the year, I sat by myself… front, center table.  No-one wanted to talk to me.  Mark was MY friend.  What do you mean YOU will honor him?  You barely knew his name…  thanks Mr. S.

In the World of the Mentally Ill

And that is not “mentally the third”.

When your brain does not work the same way, you are often left defenseless in the real world.  I can not predict how people will react to me, because my mind can not work that way.  I do not know how to interpret them.

I have been described as “overly empathetic” by my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  I do not have filters, so everything hits me at my heart.  My mind tells me that everyone will be the same.  Maybe I lack some basic defense mechanism, but I am constantly, emotionally buffeted by people around me.

I can not usually relate… so I try to be alone.

Thoughts over-run my mind, until I can not think clearly about anything.  So I try to be alone.  I try to minimize the amount of input I am dealing with… I have to deal with it all.  I can not let something slip out of my thoughts, until it is resolved.  And how often can we really resolve things fully?

I spend at least 4 hours of almost every day, just trying to push down my anxieties, fears, thoughts, and emotions.  It gets tiring.  And there is nothing to show from it.  It is empty wasted time…

Some people respond by saying nothing – afraid to say the wrong thing.  Some people go ahead as if everything is normal, and run right over me.  It is so easy to do without even trying (not that they would).  Most of the time, I just go on… or try to.  Some times it is all too much, and I crash into depression.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Blogs, After this…

The last few weeks I have been in a fairly steady decline.  I am not sure where it is coming from, but right now it threatens to affect things I have been looking forward to over the next few weeks. 

There has been a difficult combination of long periods of higher than normal anxiety, and short but intensive depressive episodes.  I have not been able to work my way out of it.  This is at least day 4, and that is longer than I normally have to deal with.

I have not been able to get going on anything… I am not even enjoying the Olympics.  I was awake most of last night, fighting these feelings.  This is my Pit.  At times like this, I have to wonder if it is all worth while.  Fortunately, there are few times like this.

Suffice it to say I am frozen, and unable to much at all.

I live in a Different Place… and People Just Roll Their Eyes

How the world affects me is different than how it affects most people.  This is especially true in personal relationships.  Those of us with manageable mental illnesses, all know what it is to deal with “normal” people.  They will not understand… we have to learn to “respond” to them as they would expect.  It is not our true nature… but it is an acceptable response.  And if we do not learn this well… we end of failing – on the streets, or in the jails.  We fall thru the cracks.

I could very easily see myself as a homeless person.  I have even thought that it would be a much simpler life.  There would be so much less noise.  But it is a solution to nothing.

As we get closer to people, we have to slowly unroll the internal turmoil that is us.  We have spent our entire lives learning to fit into their world, and now we have to ask someone into ours.  When we get close to some-one, we need for them to learn how to live in our world – or at least to understand what it is like.  Lori has done that… but there are so many others…

I spent 20 years learning to fit in before I began my professional life.  I learned how to hide my internal struggle so well that I would forget about it at times… I would go on autopilot, and not even recognize my own feelings.  I have no doubts, that others noticed the odd little things from time to time.  Even my mother saw it.

But there was never enough to open the door.

Doing Well vs. Having Energy

Today I have done well.

I did not have much energy at all.

But overall, this is a good thing.  At least in the mental illness category.  I felt better, and did not have to work as hard to keep going.  I didn’t accomplish much at all… I had so little energy to work with.

What I have learned, is that I have not simplified my life enough.  So far… not nearly close.  There is still too much input, for my ability to manage it.  I use the word “manage” specifically, because that is what I have to do.  And the more complex my day becomes, there is less I have left for actual real world activities. <—see how I avoided the word “things”?

I need a smaller world.

I need more people within my smaller envelop.

But I have so many other things to deal with, that I can not overcome them enough to have the energy to do what I wish for.  An impartial observer might wonder why this would be any real problem at all – just do it.  Things look pretty good when you are on the outside. 

All those ideas belong in the world of the “normal”.  I am not normal.  Ask anyone.  Seriously.  Ask anyone.

So if I am not normal, why would people treat me as if I am… and why would I be subject the the same concepts about what is an acceptable amount anxiety?  Is it fair to judge me, or treat me, as if I am “normal”, when you would have a hard time finding people who know me who would say I am? And there are millions of other “me”s out there.

We hide so well, even our spouses have a hard time finding us.  We learn from a very early age to never let the world see how we really feel, and what we really think.  And never talk about what goes thru your mind.  The World is a place to be hidden from.

Yesterday Was Really Bad

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had recently.  From the moment I got up, I struggled to stay going.  I was constantly pushing myself, and working at stopping upcoming crashes.  It was never a sure thing.

But thru it all… I held on.  I commented on my social media, and even got a few things done around here.  I was able to go on well enough that I am pretty sure no-one noticed.  I help up.  I even ate.

Days like that happen.  Usually there are breaks during the day, but this was just one of those days where nothing helped.

This is something I have got slowly better at.  I can struggle longer, and harder, and still make it thru.  It is one more small step forward.  I don’t think it will make any difference today… but these things add up.  I have to play the long game.

I just kept telling my brain to stop trying to crash me out, and relax, and go along one more time.  I pushed very hard.  One thing that has made a big difference, has been getting my office more user-friendly.  It makes it easier to relax.  If I can not control the flood of thoughts in my brain, then I can not stand up long.  Having my space, where I am comfortable, and I do not have chores to do, helps.

That’s good.  My paint-room is still lagging… but I do not need to spend time there, so I can ignore it… for now.  Things build up in my mind so quickly, I can not control the flow of thoughts.  So being where I am now, helps me slow down the input some.

Now I have today…

My Cats Save Lives

I could not possible count, how many times in my deepest depressions, that I have thought, `who would take care of my kitties?’  I can’t say that means they have saved my life.  There are always many reasons for sticking around.  It’s just that they tend to be rather prominently listed.  Hmmm…

Right now, Io and Hyperion are sleeping on my office chair.  Phoebe and Caliban are sleeping on my desk.  Cymbeline is in the living room… I am not sure where Titan is…

There seems to be a tendency, for them to follow me around the house… wherever I settle.  Sometimes it is difficult to turn over at night.  And reading my Kindle can require a very carefully built quilt wall to keep them at bay.  But it is… how do you say “worth it” when it is astronomically beyond “worth it”.  They save lives.

I am sure, very many of you feel the same way.  These small critters twist, and squirm their way into our soul.  We are not so different after all… they need us too.

That is being a friend.

We Have Dealt with the Whole “Crazy” Issues Enough for Now – So a Report Card.

So… I am doing much better in 2 major parts of my life:

1)  I am doing much more at home.  Both household jobs, and hobby activities, are getting done more often, and easily.  It is generally easier for me to do most everything.  I have been able to manage anxiety, and avoid depression most of the time.  I am having an easier time calming my mind.

2)  Going out is becoming easier – within limitations.  There are very few places I can go by myself, but with planning, I have even gone on an overnight trip by myself!!  I am now also much more confident about going places with Lori – I think I could prepare to go just about anywhere.

These do not solve all my problems.  I am by no means finished.  And there are always pitfalls, and obstacles to overcome.  I still have to crash out often.  But I recover.  And I am able to move on with just a bit of lost time.

There are other issues.  But I am trying to most concentrate my efforts on the above 2.  If I can get those under more control, I will be ready to move on to the other, and bigger problems… in time.

I give myself  B+

 

I Have NO Desire to be with People who Find Me Boring

FIRST: Let’s get it straight!  I AM boring.  BUT my mother always taught me, that we can be interested in anything, if we want to be.  Damned if she wasn’t right!  There are topics I have had to turn away from… because of various grossness issues.  But even they were probably interesting in many ways.

So if I am not interesting at all?…………………..

What does that mean?

Are my topics all boring?  They are things of intellectual interest?… but they will not lower the price of eggs?  My mother and father taught me that if we limit what interests us, we limit what we can learn.  You can not learn, if you do not reach beyond what you already know.  It took me a very long time to fully understand this.  But now it is a core of my soul.  The World interests me, because I am a part of it.

Nothing happens here, that does not display there…

So how can you be friends with someone, if you do not care about things they care about?  It is not a good beginning.  Why spend time with people who do not care about things you care about?  noff said

What my mother, said several times at least…  This is I believe a quote:: `People who care about you, will care about what you care about.’

Next: so, what if you’re crazy?