Daily Archives: December 31, 2013

Back-Up Plans… Not Mine…

People have back-up plans for things that are important.  But I am not writing here about normal kinds of back-ups… it is the people who know me.

When I say I will try to go out, people come up with other plans for when I crash out, and can’t go.  I know they are just being “realistic”.  I get that.  But it shows me that no-one really expects me to be able to  follow thru.  I tend to think everyone just assumes the “back-up” plans are actually the “real” plans.  I may be wrong… but that is how I feel!

It takes away my energy, and desire to even try.  I am a failure before I start the day.  And it hurts me to my core.  This is the attitude that finally drove me away from Facebook.  That is not what friends do.  Friends stand behind you, and encourage you no matter what has happened.

I understand that over the decades, I have earned a bad reputation for not following thru.  I guess I have earned that.  But how much of it has been self-fulfilling?  There have been many times when in the face of doubters, I just give up – why put out all the effort when everyone thinks it’s hopeless anyway?  Why do things with people who expect me to cancel??

Today (New Year’s Eve) I am fighting this very problem.  Now I think I will not go out this evening.  All the energy and desire to go have evaporated.  Why bother trying?

Trying takes a lot of effort.  And I have to plan it very carefully.  The effort last all day, or even several days while I am getting ready.  It takes a major commitment.  And it is no longer important enough for me to even try.

People will end up having more fun if I just stay home.  Then they can do what they want, and leave me to myself.  That is what happens most of the time.  Everyone seems to like it this way best.

2013 – My Year in Review

This year started out with a lot of hope… and it ends that way too! Smile

Last Winter I learned some important things that have greatly helped me to start moving forward again.  And I am now on the right track.  There were some major setbacks, but they will fade into history as the new year gets going.

The holidays have been difficult – they always are.  But I feel even that will be better next year.  Being around groups of people is hard for me even when I know them.

I will be going on my very first overnight trip by myself, in the first half of January – that is going to be a big step!  And things at home have been gradually improving for me.  I am able to do more every week.  There is room for optimism.  I know which way to go now.

Sure… there are obstacles ahead, but I think I can see most of them, and though there will be struggles along the way, I feel better than ever about my chances.  I am having less anxiety about my life, and day to day anxieties are down as well.  I have reason to feel better about just about everything.

Home life is improving, and I am feeling better about my isolation – there is really nothing out there I feel like I am missing.  I have a wonderful home, and a supportive love.  And my kitties really like me!

I am actually looking forward to next year!