Daily Archives: December 13, 2013

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I do not react to many things in a “normal” way.  Many would say I over-react.  I am not seeing it that way.  To me, my reactions are completely normal.  But then… I am crazy.

I am just normal enough to pass… most of the time.  I do not notice when I slip out of the normal range, and other people take notice.  They were not paying attention to the little weird things I do… they was “Oh that is just Neil”.  So they see me as being unpredictable.

I don’t feel unpredictable.  My actions seem completely normal, and predicable to me.  So I tend to be caught off-guard by people’s reactions.  Didn’t they see that coming??

When you perceive the world in a different way, it is very difficult to know what should be the correct response.  To me, it all fits together.

So when I do react in a crazy way, I am totally surprised by what people do – that was not predicable to me at all.  Then I get thrown completely off, and it can lead to even more unusual behavior on my part.  I am not sure if anyone really gets this.  They expect me to be crazy, but they do not see, or understand, the depth of it.

This has lead to more isolation.  People don’t know how to react to me, and I do not understand their lack of reaction.  I end up alone.  That is the nature of the things…

I can not change how I react because it seems totally normal to me.  How can I know to not do something, when it seems the most normal reaction to the situation?  It never occurs to me that I should do anything else.  And it is hard to learn from events when I feel like I have been wronged.

Improving My Life at Home – Goal 1

I need to learn how to enjoy myself at home.  I used to be able to do this much of the time.  Then I went back to college, got my teaching credentials, and spent 15 years teaching.  I retired 13 years ago, and am just beginning to get my old joys back.

Recently I bought myself a Kindle, and have got back into reading like I used to.  My dyslexia does not seem so bad reading from the lit screen.  I like it.  I may even write some reviews!

That is one small part of my current thinking.  There are things I would like to spend more time doing.  Most people would just say, “Then just do those things.”  I get it.  But it is not so easy when you have to fight anxiety, and avoid depression.  And I get so tired of fighting it all the time.  So I am learning new things to help create new patterns in my time.

I have set up my Tablet on my hobby bench, so I can watch stuff while I am working.  It helps break up anxiety into smaller bits.  There are things I can do.  I am trying to establish some long term (a few weeks), relatively predictable time so I can plan, and follow thru.

At the same time, there are things I can not control.  Most I think I can learn deal with.  But some are more fundamental living condition issues that hamper progress.  Such is life.