Monthly Archives: December 2013

Back-Up Plans… Not Mine…

People have back-up plans for things that are important.  But I am not writing here about normal kinds of back-ups… it is the people who know me.

When I say I will try to go out, people come up with other plans for when I crash out, and can’t go.  I know they are just being “realistic”.  I get that.  But it shows me that no-one really expects me to be able to  follow thru.  I tend to think everyone just assumes the “back-up” plans are actually the “real” plans.  I may be wrong… but that is how I feel!

It takes away my energy, and desire to even try.  I am a failure before I start the day.  And it hurts me to my core.  This is the attitude that finally drove me away from Facebook.  That is not what friends do.  Friends stand behind you, and encourage you no matter what has happened.

I understand that over the decades, I have earned a bad reputation for not following thru.  I guess I have earned that.  But how much of it has been self-fulfilling?  There have been many times when in the face of doubters, I just give up – why put out all the effort when everyone thinks it’s hopeless anyway?  Why do things with people who expect me to cancel??

Today (New Year’s Eve) I am fighting this very problem.  Now I think I will not go out this evening.  All the energy and desire to go have evaporated.  Why bother trying?

Trying takes a lot of effort.  And I have to plan it very carefully.  The effort last all day, or even several days while I am getting ready.  It takes a major commitment.  And it is no longer important enough for me to even try.

People will end up having more fun if I just stay home.  Then they can do what they want, and leave me to myself.  That is what happens most of the time.  Everyone seems to like it this way best.

2013 – My Year in Review

This year started out with a lot of hope… and it ends that way too! Smile

Last Winter I learned some important things that have greatly helped me to start moving forward again.  And I am now on the right track.  There were some major setbacks, but they will fade into history as the new year gets going.

The holidays have been difficult – they always are.  But I feel even that will be better next year.  Being around groups of people is hard for me even when I know them.

I will be going on my very first overnight trip by myself, in the first half of January – that is going to be a big step!  And things at home have been gradually improving for me.  I am able to do more every week.  There is room for optimism.  I know which way to go now.

Sure… there are obstacles ahead, but I think I can see most of them, and though there will be struggles along the way, I feel better than ever about my chances.  I am having less anxiety about my life, and day to day anxieties are down as well.  I have reason to feel better about just about everything.

Home life is improving, and I am feeling better about my isolation – there is really nothing out there I feel like I am missing.  I have a wonderful home, and a supportive love.  And my kitties really like me!

I am actually looking forward to next year!

Living With Phobias – At Least for Me

Phobias do not just turn off when we need them to.  They are always part of our lives.  They eat at us until they win – or we push them back.

I am not a therapist… so I can only write about my own experiences.  Learning to fight phobias is one of the most frustrating things I have ever tried to do,  The powers of phobias ebb and flow in unpredictable ways.  I have had to get used to failures at unexpected times (always?).

My concept of Embracing Agoraphobia goes back about 4 years – my psychologist and I worked it out.  The basic concept is that if I can not go out, it is not the end of the World.  Nothing has changed if I stay home.  So go out when I can, and where I can, otherwise staying home is fine.  There are places I can go – Walgreen’s, the Hobby store… to get cat food…  So those are the places I can count on when I need to.

I really do love my home.  And my own space is taking shape, and has become very comfortable.  It is my safe place.  Having a safe place to go and stay when I need it, is absolutely necessary to being able to move forward.

I only go out where I want to, or where I have to. 

Sometimes I don’t go anywhere for more than a week.  And that is just fine.  I do not have to go out to prove anything to anyone.  I do not have to go out for anyone else.  So I don’t.

It is not a perfect system – but what is?  There are times when I feel bad about not going somewhere.  And I really would like to be able to go out more.  But there are plenty of more important reasons I might feel bad.  In the scope of the world, staying home is a very small issue.

Other people have a lot more difficulty getting used to it than I do! Smile

Routine is All I Have

There are things I am trying to change – slowly.  There are not always a lot of choices in our lives, and routine can be comforting.  We can have a simpler life with fewer decisions.  But it is easy to fall into a non-productive routine that brings no joy.

I live by routine.

Now I am trying to change my routine some.  This has proved to be one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do.  Some things need to stay the same – feeding the cats etc.  But now there are things that need to change.

So far… I have no idea how it is going.  I have tried to do things differently.  I need my “free” time to be more rewarding… more fun.  It is not more fun yet.  Actually it is anything but fun.  I have to push myself so hard to get thru it.  I sit in a different place… watch different things, and work on my hobbies.  It should be easy.  And I worry that I may suck all the fun out of everything…

And I have to do this on my own.  This is the only place I can share my experiences.  There are no hobby friends to talk with… no friends at all really.  I have to push myself forward, by myself… with mixed results.

I know it will get better.  It has to.  But it is increasing my anxiety level.  And I am not convinced it will make any difference.  Why venture into a new world, when the current one works – though it may not be working very well?

I will keep try as long as I can… or as long as it seems to matter.

Biggest Cause of Anxiety…

Things that should happen but might not.

It seems so simple…   And…   Sadly…   It is…

When people you know are suffering from very high anxiety, the best thing you can do is to just go on as if everything was normal.  The anxiety is probably about a fear of things not going the way they should.

So just keep swimming… just keep swimming…

I Know What I Should by Writing About.

I should write about my plans, and my progress.  And the plans still look good, and there is still progress.  Things will get better.

But my mind is not there.

I do not want to be here right now.  I wish I could sleep for 3 days, and everyone else could do what they want.  I am staying home for Christmas… no-one is coming over.  I can not deal with the whole Christmas thing now.  There is no joy in it for me… I just wish it was over!

So my thoughts are now about trying to get thru the next few days without ruining things even more than I already have.  Everyone blames me for things falling apart – that is fair.  It is my fault.  I just want to more on to things I can actually improve.

So I will go on now… and try to survive it all.

Merry Christmas!

I Know I Over-react… But Doesn’t that Mean I Am Reacting in the Right Direction?

I have emotional issues – everyone can see that.  Sometimes I over-react to things, and people run away.  But I think my reactions are at least going in the correct direction – I am reacting correctly at least initially.  Then I go too far…

I understand that people are taken-aback by it.  But I never hear from them.  Oh there are occasionally people who try to help.  But the people I thought I could rely on most, are nowhere to be seen.  And so I withdraw farther into my own world.  It is a nice world… it could rain more though.

Maybe people think these are issues best dealt with within the family.  For me, that means between me and Lori – there is no other family.  Or maybe I should talk with my closest friends – those were the people on Facebook.  So I am left with writing about things here, in my journals, and talking with my cats (not great conversationalists).

The process is very familiar to me.  It has been a central story in my life.  I reach out, and others pull back.  Lori gets more responses to my over-reacting than I do.  But it seems to me clear that I am the one most in need.  It is a dynamic that sucks the energy and hope out of me.  I have to deal by myself.

The first step for me is always to pull back, and go farther into hiding.  If they do not need me, I can not let myself need them.  It is not as easy as it sounds, so I am not sure how others do it!  Maybe they just click their friend-counter down one notch, and move on.

Now… that is a bit harsh.  I am not giving them a break.  Clearly other things are affecting them in their choices.  I just do not know what those things are.  I am left to my imagination as to what is really happening, and why.

Whatever is happening, it is centered on me.  It is my fault… and my responsibility.  So I will go on, and reach out where I can.

Wanting to Go Out

Sure!  There are times I want to go out, and can’t.  It hurts, and sometimes I crash out as a result.  But even that can get better.

I plan my trips carefully – I am sure my readers understand that.  I try to only go out once a week, and I try to go to some fun place if I have to go somewhere not-so-fun.  But even that is not enough sometimes.  And then I feel like I have failed.

Many of you know how it feels to not be able to go out at the last minute.  It feels like such a huge personal failure.  But think of this – if your leg was in a cast up to your hip, you would not be so hard on yourself for not going.  You have a cast on your brain!  Smile

OK… that is not really a very good analogy… but it is true. 

We are only just beginning to develop an understanding of how the brain works.  It is the most complex machine on Earth.  So give yourself a break.  If others can not, or will not see how you suffer, then their evaluation of the situation is faulty – to say the least.  You know, and that is what matters.

I do not know who the “you” is that I am writing about… but you do.

When I fail to go out, it does not bother me as much as it used to.  The people whose judgment I was so keen to accept, are not here anymore.  They have all faded away.  Now there are very few left… but they are the ones who matter.  They are the ones who try to understand.  And when they can’t, they still make allowances.

Listen to those friends.

And listen to your own mind, and heart.  It is your life to enjoy, or not.  And you can make it what you need it to be.

Now… I am saying all this to myself as much as to anyone who reads this.  These are things I have to remind myself of every day.  Above are just some of the things I have to remind myself of every day.  It’s like a ritual – I have plenty of those too, but that is for a different Blog.  My life is mine to live… people who don’t get it, or won;y try, are not my problem.

The Agoraphobic Lifestyle

Embrace your Agoraphobia, and make it work for you.  I do not mean to huddle in your home forever, but by working with your agoraphobia, you can prioritize, and actually do more, and get out more.

This is what I have done in the past, and am working on doing more now.  Most of my life and interests are here in this house… but I want to be able to go out when I need to, and for fun things for me.  I want to be able to go on trips, and visit places I like.  Next month I am even planning an over-night trip by myself!

So the goal becomes to make those trips easier by not going out when I really don’t have to.  The anxiety of going out – planning going out – is greatly reduced.  In the long run, I end up being able to go out more often, with less anxiety.  But don’t push it!!!  That is the key.  Don’t let things start to pressure you to go too fast, or too far.

I will never be able to go out like most people, but that does not mean I have to live in fear… under the anxiety that comes.  This gives me more control, and that leads to a better life.  There are so many fun things I can do here at home!  And they get easier when I have less anxiety.

Of course… having things delivered helps.  There are things that have to be worked out.  But it can be done, and things get better for everyone.  Personally, I do not see the downside.  I do hope to keep making progress, and for things to get even easier.

insert cleaver title here

I think differently… at least in some ways.

I do not understand the way people react.  And I think it is beyond doubt that others do not understand how I react.  It’s a given.

The best times for me, are when I am alone at home with Lori.  I need to not be on Social Media, or in contact with anyone.  It is no-one’s fault but my own… but I need a level of contact and trust that most people can not give.  It’s okay.  I get it.

Right now I am struggling with changes I have imposed on my life – I am making an increased effort to keep to myself.  I have hobbies, and reading, and writing to do.  I am reading a couple of books a week, plus some serials.  I am am trying to start writing again.  I have neglected my Blogs, and my journal.

I was so used to having Facebook on almost all day… I keep thinking of things to post.  But it was a false connection to the outside world.  I thought it was real.  Now I look around my office – this is real.  And this space is my life now.  Plus the rest of the house of course.

I have everything delivered – including food.  I do not have to go out very often.  And I only have to go out to places I know, and feel comfortable with.  The pieces are starting to fall together.

It will take a while to adjust, but I will.   Smile

Baby Steps…

I take one week at a time.  I have a routine for the week, and if things go well, I can get a lot down and have a lot less anxiety.  When things work, my life feel very nice!

It happens.

Most weeks I can hold my own… things are OK.  The problem is that right now, there are more weeks below average, than above average.  I am working to change that.  I am slowly improving my world.  What is one small thing I can do to make my space a little friendlier today?  I do not think about it every day… but many.

Today I am doing laundry, and mapping out the project of finishing the lighting in may Painting Room.  Small things… I will lay out a small project that will simplify the junk on my Hobby Bench  — that will clear some space I need to working.

Then I will try to finish up the hull of the HMS Elizabeth.  At least I want it to be ready for priming. 

That will be a lot to do for today.  A Chore… Planning and Prep… Hobbying.  That makes for a nice combination.  One good day at a time!

This runs into trouble if I start to get mentally overloaded… which is happening much more easily these days.  Even simple things send my mind into retreat.  Decisions elude me.  I hit walls at every turn.  So I am simplifying… everything!

Go Slow…

I Have Intellectual Conversations With My Cats…

Of course… they do not respond… or seem deep in thought… or close to a solution… they mostly have trouble keeping their eyes open.  But their company is every bit as much appreciated!  They add just as much to my life.

In my efforts to build up my life at home, I am pulling back some from social contact – I know… how could I pull back any more than I already have been?  Deleting Facebook is a first step.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and conversing with them.

This is mostly an internal thing… it is about what I am thinking about.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and how they will respond.   I can put some things out of my mind.  It’s a start.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I do not react to many things in a “normal” way.  Many would say I over-react.  I am not seeing it that way.  To me, my reactions are completely normal.  But then… I am crazy.

I am just normal enough to pass… most of the time.  I do not notice when I slip out of the normal range, and other people take notice.  They were not paying attention to the little weird things I do… they was “Oh that is just Neil”.  So they see me as being unpredictable.

I don’t feel unpredictable.  My actions seem completely normal, and predicable to me.  So I tend to be caught off-guard by people’s reactions.  Didn’t they see that coming??

When you perceive the world in a different way, it is very difficult to know what should be the correct response.  To me, it all fits together.

So when I do react in a crazy way, I am totally surprised by what people do – that was not predicable to me at all.  Then I get thrown completely off, and it can lead to even more unusual behavior on my part.  I am not sure if anyone really gets this.  They expect me to be crazy, but they do not see, or understand, the depth of it.

This has lead to more isolation.  People don’t know how to react to me, and I do not understand their lack of reaction.  I end up alone.  That is the nature of the things…

I can not change how I react because it seems totally normal to me.  How can I know to not do something, when it seems the most normal reaction to the situation?  It never occurs to me that I should do anything else.  And it is hard to learn from events when I feel like I have been wronged.

Improving My Life at Home – Goal 1

I need to learn how to enjoy myself at home.  I used to be able to do this much of the time.  Then I went back to college, got my teaching credentials, and spent 15 years teaching.  I retired 13 years ago, and am just beginning to get my old joys back.

Recently I bought myself a Kindle, and have got back into reading like I used to.  My dyslexia does not seem so bad reading from the lit screen.  I like it.  I may even write some reviews!

That is one small part of my current thinking.  There are things I would like to spend more time doing.  Most people would just say, “Then just do those things.”  I get it.  But it is not so easy when you have to fight anxiety, and avoid depression.  And I get so tired of fighting it all the time.  So I am learning new things to help create new patterns in my time.

I have set up my Tablet on my hobby bench, so I can watch stuff while I am working.  It helps break up anxiety into smaller bits.  There are things I can do.  I am trying to establish some long term (a few weeks), relatively predictable time so I can plan, and follow thru.

At the same time, there are things I can not control.  Most I think I can learn deal with.  But some are more fundamental living condition issues that hamper progress.  Such is life.