Monthly Archives: October 2013

“Don’t Be Mad at Me”

That’s what Lori says… I was not mad, I was depressed.

But I am doing a lot better this morning than over the weekend.  I was trying to sleep all but about 7 hours the whole time, and did not eat.  Now I am starting to feel like I have a grip on my thoughts, and I am starting to see where to go.

Part of the problem I have been having since session last week, is that I was too focused on one outcome, and when things didn’t feel quite right, I did not know what to think.  I am not sure why it did not feel right.

Now I am thinking I am not ready to dive back into therapy.  I am not up to going thru all of that again – not after more than 8 years with the same therapist.  I need a more measured approach.  This is going to take some time to work into.

And I am alright with that!

So I am going to take this week to let things settle in my mind, and go back for a second session next week.  Then I can see how I am feeling about it all.

Slowly… take things slowly.  I am so tired of where I have been these last 6 months, that I was trying to rush myself too much.

Stick with me, and keep reading, because I will be making more progress.  Actually… I think I have made a lot of progress just by going to a new psychologist!  That is what I need to focus on.  Good things are happening.

New Efforts, in New Directions

I am struggling to decide what to do now…

I am not sure I feel comfortable with the new psychologist I saw.  I seemed wrong.  Though that could be normal.

Should I try seeing someone else?  Or would more choices just make things harder?  Things just do not feel right.

The last few days I have gradually fallen into depression trying to think about all this – or is it not trying to think about it all?  Whatever it is, it is clear I have a great internal conflict going on in my mind.  I get many glimpses of this conflict, and am slowly putting together some kind of thought… about it all.  Maybe.

That is about as much I can cobble together at this point.

I was only able to be up about 5 hours yesterday.  And it is already noon now – I have only been up a little while.  my mind shuts down, and I can not think about anything.  Some of you know that feeling all too well.

Little pieces of thought creep in, and eventually it makes for something… and sometimes it even helps me figure out something.  Usually I just try to go back to sleep.  It is a slow process, and I am not sure if it is actually getting anywhere, or if I am reaching for straws!

Maybe my brain is just trying to make itself feel better, and ignore the truth.  There could be a whole world lying in front of me, and I am unable to see it.  That seems to be the case… but I can not know.

So I keep going.  I do what I have to to keep going.

Where the Sky Meets the Earth

That’s where I am now.  I think I was expecting to feel more sure about things after going to session.  And I thought that when the session went well, I would know what to do next.  I do not.  I am even more confused.

So I am at a point where I have to just let things settle in my brain.  The the storm will subside.

But for now, there is a constant flurry of inter-related thoughts that never stick in my mind long enough to view, let alone resolve.  All I can do is let it pass, and try to calm myself.

It will work out.  And I have every reason to believe I am going in the right direction – I just wish to were easier.  I am slipping in and out of depression almost constantly – that makes it hard to do much of anything.  There are moments when I can think clearly, and periods when I can not.

I keep trying to think of things that might help me get thru this more quickly.  Nope… I am not seeing it.  I know from experience that I just have to wait it out.

Once things settle down in my mind, it will all start to crystalize in front of me.  I will see which way to go – though I am pretty sure I know what that will be.

For now… I will get thru the depression as it comes.

I Did Not See This Coming

I am depressed.

I knew I would have a lot to think about after my first session with a new psychologist.  But I did not anticipate being so overwhelmed by it.  I have not called to make another appointment… I can not get myself to make any decisions.  I am stuck.

Session went pretty well… and I feel good about it.  But I can not move on.  My mind will not integrate what is happening.  I am not even sure what is happening in my brain.  But whatever it is, I have not been able to think things thru to any kind of conclusion.  I know what I should do… but I can not be sure enough to do anything!

So I have struggled thru the last few days, just trying to stay awake, and as active as I can be.  It is not going well.

My Blogs have been a bit boring as well.  That comes from not knowing what to write… because I do not know what to think.

Depression has taken over my life the last few days, and I have not been able to shake it.  It is difficult to hold a thought.  I seem to even be rambling thru this Blog as well! 

I am frustrated.  There are so many thoughts running thru my mind, that I can not focus on any of them, and none lead to towards any conclusions.

I guess I should stop writing now… more later.

Those Struggling Days

Am here I am.  Yesterday was quite a struggle, and today will be more of the same.  My mind is in somewhat of a turmoil as I try to organize all the different thoughts I have about session.  My moods are going all over the charts today.

And on top of that, I am feeling particularly unproductive – so there are many things I should be doing.  I am trying to tinker away at some of those… it is not all bad.  But my mood changes too quickly to get much done.

I still can not decide what to do… I can’t even think much about the alternatives.  I think my brain is closed for repair.

I Have FBS…

Full Brain Syndrome

There is way too much to think about.  Thoughts are swirling thru my mind, and it is hard to get a hold on any of them.

Yesterday was my first session with a new psychologist.  It went very well, and we seems to get along.  I will be going back for at least 1 more session… probably next week.  But there is still a lot to think about.

After my session yesterday, my mind was overwhelmed, and I was not able to think about it very much.  I took a mental vacation.  Today I am starting to have some clear thoughts about it… that will go on for a few days.

So… I am still not ready to write much.  I will get it all sorted out soon enough.

My “Intake” Session

Today I went to a session with a new psychologist.  I do not know how I feel about it yet.  How much can I learn in 1 hour?

We covered a lot of ground, but very superficially.  I have not made a decision about how I think we will get along.  I should see her at least one more time.

There are too many thots to write much.  I just want to have a special dinner and haze-out.

Changing My Name…

It is a difficult thing to write this Blog.  I have recently been thinking about changing my last name to Kahl.  I do already get some things addressed to me as Neil Kahl.  And when wine arrives, I even sign Neil Kahl – that is to match Lori’s name because she ordered it.

The logistics are messy, but not difficult.

But why would I even consider this?

That is one of the most difficult answers I have ever thought about.  Do I have a family anymore?  Is it time for me to move on, and start in a new place, with a new name?  Does it even have to be Kahl?

I have been estranged from my “family” for more than a decade.  I was not able to go to my nephew’s weddings., or to even meet my grand-niece.

The reasons for this, go to the core of my existence.  It is part of why I am where I am.  If this one thing had not been there, I do not know how far I could have gone.  It combined with my internal mental issues, took over my life.  If either had not been there, my life would have been very different.

I was born too early for the new meds.  So that would have been hard to change.  Tranquilizers would not have been enough.  I tried an antidepressant in 1983, and it was terrible!!  I had a racing heart-rate, and could not eat.  So it would have not made a big of a difference it I had been diagnosed earl.

Combine that with other “factors”, and my life became a constant struggle to keep going.  I can’t do it anymore.

So… this issue is central to this entire subject.

It will be very difficult to write about.  But I will.  I will not hide who I am.  So you guys out there will get to see deeply into my life.  I hope you enjoy the ride.

NOTE::  I am thinking “Macdonald” might be a good name.  I have ancestors that were Macdonald’s.  The lower case is intended.

I Am About to Write About My Road to Recovery…

Wednesday I will be meeting a new psychologist.  It raises my anxiety.  But this is something I have been preparing for for quite a while, so I am as ready as I can be.  Life has not been kind, but we all have to make our own way thru it.

Monday… I am feeling a great deal of anxiety about this whole thing!  I know I have to follow thru, but my mind is quickly working on excuses for not going.  It would make my life so much easier (in the short term) to just stay home, and keep going as I am.

That would not be a very good approach…  Though it is very appealing right now.  This is one of those times when I have to really push myself to do what I know I need to do.  Just typing that made me feel depressed.  Why should I have to push so much to do things that are so clearly necessary?

There is no “why”.  There is no explanation that will make me feel any better about it.  It is what it is.

Today I will have to just deal with it.  Then tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will worry about that in the morning.  There is plenty for today already.

I will spend a lot of today trying to relax.  There are small things I can do to occupy my mind.  I call it “tinkering”, and I will need to do a lot of it!  I am going to try to focus on my things, so it will feel more rewarding to me.  There are other responsibilities too… but I will mix it all together, and tinker.

I do not even know if this psychologist will work out for me, and I have fears of having to start looking again.  I try to put those thoughts out of my mind, but the are real concerns.  I may not even know the answer to for several weeks… it could take a few sessions to figure this all out.  I know that…

So this is where I am.  And all I can actually do is push forward… keep going… and hope for the best.

Silent Progress

I have sort of made some progress in these last few days…

There are some decisions I need to make.  I meet with my new psychologist Wednesday.  There is so much to think about.

I will, of course, have to try to go along with how things go at my intake session with someone new.  How much do I say?  I  suspect I will know, but I would like to have some ideas before going in.

When should I give permission for her to talk with my former psychologist (whom, incidentally, is no longer seeing patients at all for a while, so I understand better). I am tending towards the 2nd session… but why wait?

There are many more things I have thought of… to try to figure out how to be ready.  Even if things go completely unexpectedly, it will make it easier to go if I have some of this figured out.  Make sense?

Beginning Again…

Next week I will see a new psychologist… I am hoping this will work out, and I will be back in therapy.  Of course… I have a lot of anxiety about it, and it will get worse.  But this is a good chance at a new beginning.

I know it will just be the beginning of a long process – I have fallen back quite a way over the last few months.  But I have the tools and knowledge to make this work.  And I have the will to push myself when I need to.  There will be progress.

This is also the beginning of a most difficult time of year.  The Holliday’s are great, but they are also draining.

While we were in Ashland, I was around other people as much as what would normally be several months for me.  It ultimately did me in.  I missed the last 3 plays we were going to see.  But I held together enough to enjoy our time there, and had fun.  So it was a good start.

I am also trying to plan a single night trip somewhere close, just for myself.  Maybe a little get-away.  It will happen if it easily fits in, but this, I will not push so much on.  It’s a lark.

The key now it is do more, but not too much.  I am not sure I know where that line is, but I am sure I will find it!

Stick with me, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

That’s One Small Step For… Me

I have started looking for a new therapist.  My former psychologist has recommended a couple of people I am contacting today – LOTS of anxiety about this. 

But I think we can all agree, that I really need to get going again, and this is the way to go.

My last psychologist is no longer doing therapy.  I can understand that.  It must be very draining to conduct therapy.  I will be staying in touch though.

I do known she helped me put my life back together when I most needed it.  And she probably saved our marriage.  I remember the people who have helped me in my life.  This is a big one!

There will be more on this soon.

I Need to Give Up

I do not know what it feels like to be happy… or to even fully control my own thoughts.  I spend most of my waking hours just trying to keep my mind from flying apart.  I can’t even relax any more.  It is all lost.

And I do nothing.  I can not use the “free” time I have to accomplish anything.  I am lucky if I can even sleep…

I have tried everything I can think of, but my mental state continues to deteriorate.   This is not just because I do not have a psychologist anymore.  I can not even fit in in my own home.

My kitties need me… but that is my only reason for being.  I have no worth, and offer nothing to anyone.

And I do not know what to do.  My whole life has  come to nothing.

Trying to Hang On

Most of my life, I have been near the edge of insanity.  The struggles in my mind take me so very close to a complete collapse that it overwhelms my thoughts.  And things get worse sometimes.

The last few months has been a rough time, and I have not been able to hold up very well.  I have been off and on Facebook several times.  My mind has descended into darkness regularly.  There are thoughts there that I can not express here.  I know what the raged edge looks like.

Today is a particularly difficult day.  I am shaking inside, and on the verge of screaming.  I am lost.  I have to start over, and I barely have the energy to keep going.

I do not expect others to see what is going on in my internal fights.  I retreat into myself, and into my office, or bed to sleep.  I have been sleeping about 14 hours a day just to relieve the pain.  Nothing holds much interest to me, so there is nothing “fun” to do.

The struggle goes on.

I can not just make this go away.  All I can do is try to ease the stress, and keep going.  But “keep going” is a very painful way to live.  It leaves me totally alone… trying to exist in my own mind.  I have to live inside my mind all day, every day.  There is not escape.  And there has not been enough rest recently.

It is difficult to stay sane.  Struggle is my constant companion.  There is never real rest from it.

And I can not be around people… I can not hold my mind together, still get thru the things I have to do, and be social at the same time.

I fail.