Some people look at what I am able to do, and say I have done well.  Some say I have not, and it is all about my being lazy – I need to try harder, or push more.  And I am hoping most people are somewhere between.

Telling me to push myself more has no meaning.  There is no less.  If I did not push as much as I do, then I would not have survived.  That would have been the end of me.  So how much more can I try?

I know this is a very difficult thing to understand.  Most people have never experienced these kinds of internal horrors.  They are too far outside the norm.  And in my case, I was able to do many more things in the past, so why can’t I do them now?  It does not really make much sense… even to me.

It took a long time to come to recognize the reality of my mental state.  I no longer have the energy to fight as hard as I used to.  The things I used to be able to do, are in the past.  It is hard for me to think about all those things I used to do… but I have to move on.  I need to deal with the present.

So… try to understand.  And if you can not, then try to at least allow for the possibility it is something beyond your abilities to understand.