On me.

Events have not been moving in my direction.  I have dug myself into a position, where I am going to be forced into an attempted solution that I do not have much confidence in.  I do not know…

I am very confused right now.  It is early in the day, but I can not see any light.  My world keeps getting darker.

There are some very deep issues I need to deal with.  Until I do, I can not resolve many of the little issues – like how much I go out.  Yes, that is actually a little side issue.  It is a symptom, not a stand-alone problem.

The cart is before the horse.  I am in a position where I must resolve the symptoms before I can work on the actual internal problems.  I have been trying to do it that way for too long, and it is doomed to failure.  Things do not get better.

So I need to get back to working on what is really happening in my brain, in a way that can lead me out of this horror.  And I am going to have to do it completely on my own.  I do not know if I even can start.  Things have got so dark, that I have no hope left.

Here the big problem is that I am not sure how much I care any more.  I have been fighting this too long.  Every day I have to fight for control… to keep from crashing out entirely.  And I just do not have the energy to do more than just get thru the day.

It is not going to get better.