Daily Archives: September 2, 2013

Nowhere To Go

There is nowhere for me to go.

I am tired.  I am trying to build up some reserves.  I will have to go out this week on several errands.  And I still have a sick cat to deal with – he is okay.  He just needs some tube feeding because he is not eating enough yet.  There are many things to do…

Things will get done.  But I am a little worse each week.  There are things I need to do to start getting my life in order.  But they require a huge leap of faith.  Faith in other people… including people who have let me down in the past.  I do not have the reserves for that.

Additionally, I am trying to keep from completely breaking down mentally.  There is a daily struggle.  I am trying to stay alive.  I am trying to get out of the Pit.  But I guess that is not so important if you are not me.  Unfortunately, I do happen to be me. 

So I have to work on my problems, and not just be trying to recover from the week.  I still have a true vacation coming up.  I just want to make it thru the few days.

Addendum

It has been pointed out to me that I am “in no way” taking care of Lori’s needs.  That is true.  What I should have said is that there is an expectation that I will.  There is at the very least not going to be anything for me…

I know I do not meet Lori’s needs.  I can not even meet my own.  But my point was that there is NO support system for me.

See… even my Blogs get argued with, and bring not support.

I Would Rather Have the Nightmares

All in all, I would rather face the nightmares of sleep, than my real world.  I do not belong here, but there is nowhere else to go.

Whenever I sit to write a Blog, I have to be careful… I have to filter what I want to say.  I leave out some important points because I do not want to upset anyone.  I have few enough friends as it is… I do not need to push any more away.

I do not have a plan.  I do not have any direction to go.  My biggest problem is that I lack a support system.  There is no-one I can turn to for support, and know it will be there.  Most of the time I have absolutely no support at all.  I have to get thru everything on my own – then try to take care of Lori’s needs when she comes home for the weekend.

On the weekends, I have to get even more done in order to reduce stress around here.  So there is never a time for me to get what I need.  And let’s face it, I need a lot.

Until I can build some kind of support structure under which I can have room to fall back if I need to, I can not take any chances that could disrupt my precarious balance.  So I wait.  I have been waiting for a long time.

Everyone has their needs.  When you have a stressful life, and work at a difficult job, you need time to relax and recover – weekends.  My life is… very stressful, and I do not get that weekend.  I understand.  Each of us has to find our own way of making it thru the hard times,  I have not found mine yet.

Time is growing short.  It gets harder and harder to take action.  The worse I get, the harder it is to take chances.  Then I become even more isolated.  It is a terrible cycle.  And it only gets worse.

So I sit here, as patiently as I can, waiting for the opportunity to come along.  But… it has to be a very solid base now before I can even plan a step.  It’s not going to happen.