Monthly Archives: September 2013

A Thousand Clowns

That is one of my favorite movies, but it connects here too.

Most of the time, there are dozens, if not hundreds of thoughts that want my attention.  The problem is that I can not turn them off.  I am not hearing voices or anything… but when my anxiety is bad, it is as if there are things I must think about swamping my thoughts.  I can not control my own thinking.

It can take a great effort to stay focused, and not let any of the other thoughts take over.  The thoughts themselves are often reasons why I should not do something.  I get over-run by them.  It can be a huge stopper!

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I crash out, and that is the end of my day.  And sometimes I just get tired of trying so hard, and I give up.  I can use my meds to calm my mind.

The better solution is to be able to simply ignore them.  No, I am thinking about this right now thank you.  Some times I can’t do it.

Sometimes this all works to my advantage.  When I have wanted to design something, or a better design, that swamping feeling is almost like a system for sifting.  I will see something radically different, that amazes me.  Recently that happened with the design of a way of hanging models.  I simplified it from about 6-8 hours to make, to about 30 minutes.

Anyway… I digress…

Usually it feels so overwhelming that I have to either medicate, or shut down.  I do not like that choice.  I would say I go about 50/50 on what I do.  On the weekends, I make a much greater effort to just keep going – Lori is home, and I want to spend time with her.  It does not often work though.

And then tomorrow I go thru it all over again.  And my brain will feel like a small car full of a thousand clowns.

To Go Hermit, or Not to Go Hermit? That is the Question…

There is a horrible argument raging in my thoughts.  My mind is locked in a battle for which I have already determined the outcome.  At least the outcome I prefer.

The question:  Therapy, or giving up.

Therapy is simple… everyone understands what I mean.  Giving up?  It does not mean I would go anywhere, but I would give up on the outside world.  I do not know completely what this would mean… just that I would eliminate most of my more difficult problems.

Now… I am intellectually sure therapy is the right way to go.  It has helped a lot in the past.  But I have great fears this time.  There are things that could go very wrong even before I get started.  So it is an imposing obstacle.

The alternative would be to shut down… essentially.  I would pull myself back into my cave, and disappear.  I do not know how this would work.  Or if it would work.

In reality, the answer is pretty obvious – therapy.  There is no real argument.  But my mind will not stop thinking about it.  I have to figure out the details… all of the details.   Even if the do not matter.  I can not stop the process mid-run.  So my mind goes on… and on… and on…

There are some good distractions – like writing this.  But distractions take effort.  And I run out of energy as the day goes on.  It gets harder and harder to fight the battle.  Then I crash out, and go to bed.

But the argument goes on.

Start With a Good Foundation

The first thing I need to do, is build a foundation.  It is very difficult to reach out when I can barely make it thru the week.  So my current effort is to get my environment more restful, and to start to feel better about being here at home.  I need to be able to relax more.  I need to use my energies more effectively.

Going out of town was a strange way to start that, but it did help.  I came home from Newport with more optimism, and hope.  Now I am trying to put that optimism to work, to help me here… where I live.

The idea is that I am wasting too much energy dealing with things around here to have the energy to go out – even for therapy. 

My office is very nice, but remains unfinished.  It is very close, but figuring out these last details is very draining.  And my efforts seem to go for nothing.  It is getting better.  I have been able to make a couple of moves this week, that will help.  It is important for me to keep moving.

There are obstacles… but I have seen them all before, and I need to slip by them and get some small things done.  I can do that!  It takes a lot of effort, but I can do some of the simpler things, and start to decrease how much effort those things will take. 

Just today (Saturday) I got some good little things done to help out in my office.  So I have had a good day!  I have done more than I would have expected.  Nice… Smile

Success decreases resistance.

I have to be careful to plan things out (way too much), to try to avoid wasting effort.  But the foundation I need is within my grasp.  Once my comfort level is up, it will be easier to take more chances.  Then I can get back into therapy, and more progress will be forthcoming.

Who Actually Believes?

Some people look at what I am able to do, and say I have done well.  Some say I have not, and it is all about my being lazy – I need to try harder, or push more.  And I am hoping most people are somewhere between.

Telling me to push myself more has no meaning.  There is no less.  If I did not push as much as I do, then I would not have survived.  That would have been the end of me.  So how much more can I try?

I know this is a very difficult thing to understand.  Most people have never experienced these kinds of internal horrors.  They are too far outside the norm.  And in my case, I was able to do many more things in the past, so why can’t I do them now?  It does not really make much sense… even to me.

It took a long time to come to recognize the reality of my mental state.  I no longer have the energy to fight as hard as I used to.  The things I used to be able to do, are in the past.  It is hard for me to think about all those things I used to do… but I have to move on.  I need to deal with the present.

So… try to understand.  And if you can not, then try to at least allow for the possibility it is something beyond your abilities to understand.

I Live the Week Alone

From Monday, thru Friday most every week, I am alone.  My wife travels, so she is not here.  She emails a bit, and that is nice.  But she has not called me during the week, for months.  She doesn’t want me to upset her.  I guess it’s okay.

So I have no affirmation of my life – except on Facebook.  I have to deal with everything around here on my own.  It is usually a struggle to just stay up all day.  So I do not get enough things done.  Lori does not like that.  I should be able to do all that stuff…

I must not be trying hard enough.  If it’s too late to plan something for tomorrow, then I just need to push more.  Right.  I can not go out on one days notice like that.  But “There’s absolutely no reason” why I can not just plan, and go.  Nope… I am not seeing that.

So here I am.  And here I will stay.  Though I am honestly beginning to wonder about the whole staying thing.

The Edge of Night

I am not talking about the old Soup Opera… but where I am.

The thing is that I am not sure if I am coming out of the darkness, or am just now entering it?  I am not sure I can tell the difference.  Is there a difference?

Things are going in the right direction – things are at least aimed in the right direction.  I have not actually moved much though.  I will.  But I am kind of in a holding pattern while I figure out the details.  This is not the fun part.

Here, I sit and try to get thru the day.  I fight to keep the anxiety down, and to keep from slipping into depression.  It takes way to much effort.  And interspersed within all this, I try to make sense of things happening around me.  I try to get a few little things done, and get a little closer to action.

I am not ready.

I am not sure I will ever be ready.  How much of a leap of faith can I handle?  And what will happen if it goes wrong?  There is no guarantee things will work out in my favor.  Not that I have much of a choice though…

My next step may get me back on the road to more inner stability and strength.  Or it may blast me out of the water completely.  And I would have to begin again.  I have no idea where I would turn.

So I am preparing myself for a crucial event… a potential turning point in my life.  One step that will change everything.  At least that is how it feels.

One step.

And The Race Begins Anew

I have direction now.  I know what I am going to be doing for my mental problems.  Well… at least I know where I am going to start.  Now I just need to finalize how I am going to carry out that first step.

This is fine… I want to think for a few days, and make sure I am handling things correctly.  But I feel good about my decisions.

For now, I am not going to say what I will be doing.  Except that I will be going back into therapy, and I want to be able to pick up where I left off last Spring.  This will take some effort – I will have to push myself quite a bit.  But it is all doable.

Even this week I am struggling with having to go out.  That, even though a couple of things I need to get are things I have been really looking forward to.  There is also cat food.  But it all means going at least 3 places, which has been my normal limit for a long time.  And there are 2 other places I “should” go as well.

This is the first issue I have to deal with.  I need to learn how to use my energies more effectively, and get out more.  I know I can do that.  And successes will help me.  So I am sort of looking at things that will feel like success.

There is also something I would like to do this coming weekend, and I have a lot of doubts about that.  No matter how difficult local shopping can be, going out to events where I will have to deal with a lot of people, are still a huge obstacle.

So I move forward… taking tiny steps to learn what it feels like to succeed.  Wish me success! Smile

A Very Good Week… and a Trip!

Last week was a vacation week for Lori.  I decided to skip the Blogs, and just try to have a nice relaxing time.

It started out a bit shaky, and we ending up not going camping.  But we had a nice time at home, and on Friday went to our favorite place in Newport, Oregon for a couple of nights.  Those were my first nights away from home in 7 months!

We had a wonderful time!  Lot’s of great food at April’s – she is a genius in the kitchen!!  I even found a very nice sketch on multiple layers of glass.  Lori found 2 very nice little trunks for our dinning room too!

So I am starting out the week on an up note, and it feel very nice.

I have also developed a clearer plan for what I am going to do about my metal situation.  So all in all it was a great week!

I really needed a good week – we both did!  And there it was!!!

Gibraltar Falls…

On me.

Events have not been moving in my direction.  I have dug myself into a position, where I am going to be forced into an attempted solution that I do not have much confidence in.  I do not know…

I am very confused right now.  It is early in the day, but I can not see any light.  My world keeps getting darker.

There are some very deep issues I need to deal with.  Until I do, I can not resolve many of the little issues – like how much I go out.  Yes, that is actually a little side issue.  It is a symptom, not a stand-alone problem.

The cart is before the horse.  I am in a position where I must resolve the symptoms before I can work on the actual internal problems.  I have been trying to do it that way for too long, and it is doomed to failure.  Things do not get better.

So I need to get back to working on what is really happening in my brain, in a way that can lead me out of this horror.  And I am going to have to do it completely on my own.  I do not know if I even can start.  Things have got so dark, that I have no hope left.

Here the big problem is that I am not sure how much I care any more.  I have been fighting this too long.  Every day I have to fight for control… to keep from crashing out entirely.  And I just do not have the energy to do more than just get thru the day.

It is not going to get better.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

Dora was right.

I am still swimming.  To be honest, I feel absolutely horrible this morning.  But I know this will pass too.  If things fall into place the way I think they will (could?), I will be able to get better.

My psychologist said I had an “undying optimism”.  It is one of the things that has allowed me to get this far.  I still believe.

It is difficult, and some times I want to give up.  But I always pull back together, and keep moving forward.  It is a huge drain, but it has worked for a very long time.  And it continues to give me enough energy to be able to keep trying.

So… not to worry… I will keep going.  And maybe things will take a great turn for the better today!  Or tomorrow… but it will come.