I need to stay home.

We have all figured that out by now.  I have about half the anxiety during the week if I do not have to do major shopping.  Got it…

My biggest problem right now though is that I no longer have a psychologist, and I no longer have any faith in the system.

So what do I do?

I Love my wife very much, and can not imagine life without her, but she does not understand the choices I have to make.  And she resents any change that makes her life more difficult.  She sees no need for any real lifestyle changes for the worse.

This is not because she is selfish.  She is actually a very giving person.  But… she does not understand the limitations imposed by anxiety, depression, phobias… and all sorts of social problems.  She does not see that simply getting older makes everything harder.

My increased physical issues are okay, but my mental decline is not.  I should still be able to deal with all the stresses, and anxieties, and depressions, I did when I was younger.  I can not decline.

Those are all things that cannot be solved just by wanting to… with a little effort… or with any amount of effort.  It hurts me when I think about the mental things I can’t do anymore.  It really is a terrible loss – I even often struggle to fully visualize 3D objects… and rotate them around.  It used to be easy.  My brain can not do what it could do 20 years ago.

It is nothing of anyone’s fault.  The great majority of people simply can not relate to any of it.  We are so far out of their experience, that they can not even imagine it.  So everything we say, can be dismissed… or worse.

But… I love her, so things go on, and will be really wonderful for us.  I just need somewhere else to connect with where I am, and can get help guiding me thru all the crap.  Right… I no longer have that person… sure, sure…

Life goes on.