About a year ago, I started taking a new med for depression… it did a very good job.  My depressive episodes decreased in number, and became much shorter.  I had forgotten what more than a week of depression felt like.

Now I remember.

I find myself just sitting much of the time… not really even looking at anything.  I would be in bed, but there are things I need to be doing throughout the day.  So I sit here.

I am not sad, or bored, or much of anything.  I am empty… but still there are things I have to do.  There are errands I need to run.  I should be doing “fun” things with Lori on her day off.  But in reality, it is hard to care about any of it.  The not caring is part of depression.  A part that hurts those around me.

Most of the time I am here alone.  So I can stare at my desk all I want.  But I feel some guilt when Lori is here.  There is not much I can do about it…  People can get mad at me, or feel let down, or discouraged.  I hate it, but it is not something I can fix.

The last 3 days have been the worst.  We had to cancel a trip because of things I need to be here for – 2 sick cats.  And it is all my fault.  At least it is my fault that I can not substitute anything for that trip… I am not prepared to go anywhere.

Fortunately the pattern in my desk has some interesting contrasts.  I sort of watch TV some of the time.  I am not really interested, so it has to be something good, and something I know well enough to ignore.

I don’t care.

All of that is just to help the time pass more quickly…