Daily Archives: June 24, 2013

What Nightmares Are Made Of

These are the times that nightmares are made of.  As time goes by, I am increasingly feeling cut-off.  It has only been a week since I “lost” my psychologist, and I have not yet seen its full impact.  I know that will come…

This is all my own fault… I should have been more clear why I was not coming back to session at times.  But whatever the cause, I am now cut-off from anyone impartial to share with.  There is nowhere to discuss my ideas… and no-one to help me refine them.  Friends are too close, or too far away.

That is my greatest loss.  That can not be replaced, and it will bring me to a halt before I can implement new ideas.  And the biggest loss, is my loss of trust in anyone.

I am sure this is just the beginning of a decline.  At least it will be far more difficult, if not impossible, to move forward.  Why would I risk going out of my safety zone?  Why bother trying to make changes if I have no test in reality?

The way ahead is dark, and nothing but mystery to me now.  I have felt some anger about it, but that is overwhelmed by fear.  And this will only get worse…

Feeling Like Hiding… Always

I doubt if it is really a true feeling… but I commonly wish I could hide from the world. 

I know someone who was an “outsider” ~ someone who didn’t get it.  But then something happened in her life to throw her violently to the other side of the fence.  Suddenly she gets it all.  But usually, the people who really care about us, will never understand.

It is difficult for those who have to live with us… they see the pain, but not the cause or depth.  They learn to not react “normally” to our “moods”.  And they try very hard.

But most people just stare in wonder.  They can not imagine where we are ~ thought they often think they do.  We have all heard the “snap out of it” comments… “just try harder” implications.  We are treated at times as if we must just not care enough to do anything about it.

That is hard to get used to.  It makes me feel more isolated.  It leaves me worse off.  And it leaves me wanting to hide… always.