Monthly Archives: June 2013

The Long Depression

About a year ago, I started taking a new med for depression… it did a very good job.  My depressive episodes decreased in number, and became much shorter.  I had forgotten what more than a week of depression felt like.

Now I remember.

I find myself just sitting much of the time… not really even looking at anything.  I would be in bed, but there are things I need to be doing throughout the day.  So I sit here.

I am not sad, or bored, or much of anything.  I am empty… but still there are things I have to do.  There are errands I need to run.  I should be doing “fun” things with Lori on her day off.  But in reality, it is hard to care about any of it.  The not caring is part of depression.  A part that hurts those around me.

Most of the time I am here alone.  So I can stare at my desk all I want.  But I feel some guilt when Lori is here.  There is not much I can do about it…  People can get mad at me, or feel let down, or discouraged.  I hate it, but it is not something I can fix.

The last 3 days have been the worst.  We had to cancel a trip because of things I need to be here for – 2 sick cats.  And it is all my fault.  At least it is my fault that I can not substitute anything for that trip… I am not prepared to go anywhere.

Fortunately the pattern in my desk has some interesting contrasts.  I sort of watch TV some of the time.  I am not really interested, so it has to be something good, and something I know well enough to ignore.

I don’t care.

All of that is just to help the time pass more quickly…

I Know How to Find a Needle in a Haystack…

Patience

I have been working on getting to my image of what I want, for over 40 years now.  I am closer than I have ever been.  Until 2004, I did not make much of an effort towards this goal… I could not because I did not know what was holding me back..

There have been a few times when I had some small bits of progress.  But it has only been the last few years that I have started to feel like I really can move towards the life I want.  It gets a little more complicated because the things I want, sound defeatist to some people.

I want something so very simple.

I have taken a huge detour now, and I do not know where it will lead.  I can not see the path ahead of me, and my hopes have dimmed.  Right now I feel a lot of despair, and grief.  And I am not sure how to get started again.

There is a plan I have been working on that I will continue to follow – then what?  The plan does not go very far into the future… there was so much more to develop.  And that option is gone now.

I will have to find a new way to work out how to move forward, and how to get better.  I am not optimistic.

Living Times as They Come

I just have to live my life as it comes.. as does everyone.  I am not doing very well a that right now.  I have lost something very important.  Every day I find myself feeling a little more isolated.  There is no safety net for me any longer.

I do not mean to harp on it, but after 8 years of therapy, you kind of develop a need for someone.  you get used to talking things over before acting on them.  When that is suddenly gone, it creates a huge hole that starts to swallow up everything.

There are too many things going wrong in my life right now.  A major part of my process for finding ways to improve my life, is gone.

Today I am feeling very low, and more lost –  I can not see which way to turn.  And I know it will get worse… at least for a while.

What Nightmares Are Made Of

These are the times that nightmares are made of.  As time goes by, I am increasingly feeling cut-off.  It has only been a week since I “lost” my psychologist, and I have not yet seen its full impact.  I know that will come…

This is all my own fault… I should have been more clear why I was not coming back to session at times.  But whatever the cause, I am now cut-off from anyone impartial to share with.  There is nowhere to discuss my ideas… and no-one to help me refine them.  Friends are too close, or too far away.

That is my greatest loss.  That can not be replaced, and it will bring me to a halt before I can implement new ideas.  And the biggest loss, is my loss of trust in anyone.

I am sure this is just the beginning of a decline.  At least it will be far more difficult, if not impossible, to move forward.  Why would I risk going out of my safety zone?  Why bother trying to make changes if I have no test in reality?

The way ahead is dark, and nothing but mystery to me now.  I have felt some anger about it, but that is overwhelmed by fear.  And this will only get worse…

Feeling Like Hiding… Always

I doubt if it is really a true feeling… but I commonly wish I could hide from the world. 

I know someone who was an “outsider” ~ someone who didn’t get it.  But then something happened in her life to throw her violently to the other side of the fence.  Suddenly she gets it all.  But usually, the people who really care about us, will never understand.

It is difficult for those who have to live with us… they see the pain, but not the cause or depth.  They learn to not react “normally” to our “moods”.  And they try very hard.

But most people just stare in wonder.  They can not imagine where we are ~ thought they often think they do.  We have all heard the “snap out of it” comments… “just try harder” implications.  We are treated at times as if we must just not care enough to do anything about it.

That is hard to get used to.  It makes me feel more isolated.  It leaves me worse off.  And it leaves me wanting to hide… always.

I Still Have a Plan

I have been hurt by the events of last week.  It still echoes thru my thoughts.  I have a deep sense of having been abandoned by someone I really needed to be able to rely on.  And it will have long term affects.

But I still have a plan to help get more done, and feel better about my life.  I will continue on that plan.

Yesterday was a turn-around day for me ~ I had a wonderfully relaxing day, and feel more optimistic.  Things will get better, and I will find a way to get back to “normal”.

Start Again!

Now I feel like I have to start over… from the beginning.  My confidence in the system has failed, and with it I have lost most of my faith in what I have learned.  I am not seeing therapy as a positive experience.

I can not trust anyone enough for therapy now.

It is entirely possible that I should have started to transition to a new therapist, but it should have been done in session.  It would have taken a lot of time to do, but would have been possible.  The email was not the way to go.  Also she made it sound like a done deal… I was shocked.

I know session helped me, but it still feels like it did not matter.  And I am not up to starting over, from the very beginning.  Actually, it is worse now, because I doubt the effectiveness of sessions.  The meds work though.

There is no way I am going out the front door to any kind of session, or to see any kind of therapist.  I’m done.

So basically… Start again?  Not going to happen.

Therapy for having No Therapy?

This story goes back a ways, so follow along.

I started seeing my psychologist in late 2004, and for several years went every week.  I got better.  I cut down how often I went, but kept going.

Over the last year and a half, there were 3 times I went for appointments that were not to be.  One was a misunderstanding, and the other 2 were mistakes she made.

I’m agoraphobic, so going for a 40 minutes trip each way is difficult.  After each of those episodes, I did not go back for a while – almost 3 months in one case.  But each time, I eventually got back into my sessions.

At the beginning of May, I asked about an appointment for the next week.  She said she might have to testify in court (she is a forensic psychologist) so she would get back to me in a couple of days.  A week later she emailed that she could do it.

By then it was too late for me to get ready to go on such short notice, and I figured it would then be at least another week.  I was angry.  So I said “Too late.  I will not be coming back.”  I also canceled my disclosure agreements.  So I assume I was no longer a real patient of hers.

Last Sunday I emailed saying I would like to see her again after the 4th.  She emailed back that she thought it was time for me to move to a new psychologist, and she could help me transition.  Her reasoning was the the gaps in session indicated we were at a plateau, and I needed a different approach.

I was quite taken aback.  In April, I had brought up that I thought I was sort of at a plateau in improving my anxieties, and I wanted to start working more on implementation – I even wrote a Blog about this.  And it was going very well.  We figured out a plan to reduce my weekly anxiety, and help me get more done at the same time.

It worked better than I had hoped!  I’m still doing this new stuff.

But I not longer have a psychologist.  I feel abandoned, and turned away.  I even feel anger.  But I have completely collapsed mentally.  I get nothing done… and just try to accept where I am now.

My One Constant in Life

If there is one thing that has been a constant part of my life, it is that everyone will eventually abandon me.  Everyone.

I push most away, but some leave on their own.  Either way, the result is the same.  I have been here before, and will be here again.  I never quite get used to it.

And here I am again.

As Good As It Gets…

Yup… this is as good as it gets.  Now I transition into making do with what I have, and not putting energy into trying to get better.  My former psychologist has offered to help me find someone knew to see, but that can not happen.

Starting to see someone new is too high a hurdle for me to leap, and I can not even imagine it.  So the break is permanent, and I am on my own from here on out.  I do not know where I am going, but it will not be far from where I am.

This may come as disappointing news to my friends, because I will not get better, and I will not be able to be a better friend.  I will try though…

This last week have been the rollercoaster ride from Hell, and I just want that to be over so I can figure out what to do now.

Thank you all for reading my Blogs.  I hope to continue to write them.

Follow-Up From Yesterday.

When I went to be last night, I spent about an hour going over my plans to go to Walgreen’s.  I will try to go in about 2+ hours, so I will have to go thru it again… probably 3 or 4 times.

I can visualize the store in my mind.  I can see the isles, and the items on the shelve – sans any writing on them. I can walk down each isle, and see what is around me.

I need to map out my visit.  Where am I going to go first, and what path will I follow?  Where is each item I need?  At what point do I go get my prescriptions at the back of the store?  And most importantly, what do I do if they are out of something – I am only getting things I know then carry.

I visualize the people I who work there, and what to expect from them.  It is all very carefully planned.

And I plan it over, and over, and over, to make sure I have every option covered.  I even plan for changes I might have to make if they are restocking some place, and I have to come back to it.

The plan must be precise, and cover all possible changes that I might have to make.  I also have developed a plan for each item they may not have – what will I get, or use instead?

I takes a lot of time.  All together, I fully expect this trip to take about 6 hours of prep time.

AND: I should get better at this, I am out of practice.  This trip should only take 3-4 hours to plan.

And I Am Sisyphus.

I have, at times this year, made significant progress.  But each time, events have hit me hard, and knocked me back.  I really think that is fairly normal.  I am not fond of this system though.

Now I find myself in a place I have been before… it is familiar.  I have to rethink much of my life, and my goals, and how I could get there.  I have discovered that I have been operating under some misconceptions.  And they could affect just about everything I am.

It has also thrown the breaks on my efforts to do more at home, and find success here, before stretching farther.  It is a plan I developed with the help of my psychologist.  And it was working.

Now I will have to cut way back on those efforts.  I have not been to the grocery store in a couple of months.  Recently, I have known I would not have to do the grocery shopping, and it caused a much bigger reduction in my built up anxiety by the end of the week.

I was doing a lot more at home – especially with my hobbies.  But I was also doing better at my household chores, and even doing things not on my list!  It was getting so good, I found myself without the TV or stereo on much of the time.  I had other, more fun things to do!

It has now been almost 3 weeks since there has been any grocery shopping done here.  I ran out of Guinness over a week ago.  I am scrambling to meet some of my needs.  Fortunately, a local Walgreen’s is one of the places I can go, and I have been able to keep up.

Not any more.  We are now out of the right food for one of our cats.  He pretty much has to eat it.  I have stalled as long as I could, but I still have no idea how to resolve that issue until Wednesday when I have to go out to see my psychiatrist.  I can stop for a couple of things then.  I hope.

So I am now back where I was.  I spent about 4 hours today working very carefully on my plan to go to Walgreen’s tomorrow.  If nothing goes wrong, I should make it just find.  But the result is that I start the week already depleted.  I will not get much done around here this week.  My hobbies will gather dusk.

I have to focus on being able to do different things now.

Just Go Out More!

It has once again been pointed out to me how things would be better if I just went out more.  I wish I had thought of that.  It’s so simple!  Am I cured now?

I can send out the word to all agoraphobics, and people with depression, and anxiety disorders, that all they have to do, is do it!

Inform Nike!

I am Mentally Tired

Every day is a struggle.  I get that.  Not a problem.  But it wears me out.  I have to talk myself into simple things… like having dinner.  It all takes a lot of energy, and it drains my reserves.  But I know it helps in the long run.  I will feel better for having done things.

Today I am worn out.  I do not have any energy left.  I have been in bed most of the day… just resting, and letting my mind wonder.  I have not been trying to do things, or think about things.  It is nice.

There are things that need to be done, but I simply will not care much about that today.  I need to let myself be lazy, and relax some days.  I may have energy later… but probably not.  I do not see much chance of that.

Tomorrow is Monday – my normal mental day off.  I may still need that too.  And I do not care!

Anyone want to join me?