Daily Archives: March 6, 2013

I Wear People Out…

All my life I have had a tendency to wear people out.  I lose friends because they can not continue to deal with, and even see all my issues, and problems.  I have made very very few friends over the last 30 years, because I have given up trying.

Photo: LMAO!!!

I do need to have a warning sign… “Be Cautious, and do not get too close”.  Because I unwillingly drive people away.

It shows in my Blogs… people get tired of reading the same things when there is nothing they can do.  No-one likes to feel bad, so they have to turn away to save themselves.  I get that.  I read some blogs that are hard for me too.

Just in this last few months, I have offended someone who used to read, and comment on my Blogs frequently.  It was a huge mistake.  I was trying to offer help, and alienated her completely.  I doubt she will read this…

I am so very sorry T.B.  I did not mean to disparage your great humanitarian efforts.  I am diminished because of what I said.

It is just the latest example.  But more may come.  My inability to go anywhere has let others down.  And they have every right to move away to save themselves.

Lessons Not Learned

It is easier for us to think about all the great things we have learned in our lives than to try to reflect on what we have missed.  Yes… even for me.  I keep trying to reach beyond my limits.  It’s good to test your limits from time to time, but when I keep running into the same walls…

What was it Einstein said about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Even yesterday in the middle of all this, I was thinking about how I could go sit in a coffee shop, and have a place nearby to go.  Okay… that is not going to happen.  The last few days I have been planning a trip to a museum in Seattle – not going to happen.

When I feel most calm is when I can accept that I must just stay home as much as is possible.  My office is slowly moving along, and I am more and more comfortable in here.  I don’t really want to go out, do I?

There are few places I really need to go.  Mostly they are here in town, and I am familiar with them.  I have to go to 2 of them today.  And though I have some anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I can do that.  And I can go out with Lori most of the time… so why worry?

I had a really bad night… another really bad night.  My nightmares are filled with failures.  Failures in family, teaching, and life itself.  I need less anxiety, not more.  Staying home more will help.  I need to plan things I can actually do!

I suspect I will test my limits again, but I will get the same results.  And I am fine with staying home, so why try?