Monthly Archives: January 2013

And It’s New Meds Again!

I was finally able to see a psychiatrist today.  Just to refresh your brains… my current doctor decided I needed to go to a specialist for further meds changes.  This was after she changed me from Lexapro to Cymbalta.

Now, I will transition back to Lexapro.  We know that works, though my psychiatrist thinks it will not work well enough for me.  But I want to get myself stabilized before trying anything else.  It would appear I am a tough case… nice.

I am also going to probably have to change my Bupropion.  But that will come later too.

These meds transitions are not very pleasant.  There can be all sorts of side affects, as well as making my emotions dance a bit too much.  Actually, it can mess up my brain in a lot of fun ways.  It can make life interesting.

Also the Lexapro will give me mild headaches for a couple  of weeks – to a month.  That is the only side affect I have had.

I just think it would have been really nice if my doctor had sent me to a psychiatrist last Summer when all this started.  But I guess it’s better now than never.  She just did not listen quite closely enough to me.  It was my decision to give the change a try.  However I got here, it will not be very fun for a while.

I will be continuing to see my regular psychologist as well.

Stay tuned!

I Lived Hiding – Why I Write So Much

By that first part of the title, I mean, my life was hidden by a curtain I had learned to live behind from an early age.  I messed up one time I remember, in the second grade, and it still haunts me.  My existence depended on being able to act normal.  I knew I was not normal, but I thought it was because I was weak.  So the curtain came down, and got thicker.

As a teacher, a lot of what I was could come thru.  It helped me relate to students, and to see when to push, and when to let off.  But there was still a curtain between the observable me, and the real me.

So much hiding is what has lead me now, to so much NOT hiding.  Now I blast my thoughts and feelings out over the Internet.  This is the real me.  I have little to hide about what goes on in my brain.  I don’t care what people know about me… to a point.  And there are people reading what I write, and learning about the inside me.  I am out there folks… this is me.  If you doubt it, go away.

Don’t get me wrong… there is still a curtain… but it grows thinner with age.  And mostly remains about protecting the privacy of others.  That part of the curtain will always be there.

NOTE: I say “curtain” and not “wall”, because curtains move and shift with the breeze.  And that’s what happens in real life.

Where to “Go” Now

I was scheduled to see a psychiatrist this morning to work on my meds.  I got to a point where my regular doctor felt I needed to see a specialist.  I have a psychologist, but she can not prescribe the meds I need.

But earlier this week, I got to the point where I knew I could not go.  I cancelled.  I had to.  I can not go out on my own.

Now I am locked in a struggle to figure out what to do next.  The problem is that the issue I have is not about going to a psychiatrist, it’s about continuing to see my regular doctor.  There have been issues.

If I decide to get a new doctor, then I have to wait for the psychiatrist until after I would see the new doctor… after I find one.  So I may be delayed…

So I am stuck.

My Little Life at Home

I can not go anywhere by myself.  No matter how long I think about it, or how I rationalize things… I can not go out on any errands by myself.

Coming to this realization has been no easy trek.  I have turned it around in my brain, and tried to make sense of it.  But it just is what it is… my anxiety has taken a greater control over my life than I would like.

I am planned a fun weekend, but I can not get to the store.

I have not been thinking very clearly the last few weeks, and I would like to get better.  I can’t.  This has even kept me from blogging (if that is a word).  I will try harder to keep up on my blog now…

I canceled my scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist to work out my meds, because I can not decide what to do about my doctors.  I will write more about that – at least I plan to.

So I can’t do what I need to do to fix my anxiety, because of my anxiety.

Life does not care…

Life does not care why we do things.  It only cares what we do.  Life will lead us along a path, and the decisions we make about what we do, will determine the choices we have farther along that path.  All we can do is try to make the best decisions we can along the way and hope they create the best choices of paths before us.

It’s different when we deal with other people.  That is all about showing respect.  If you do not respect the person you are talking with, then what they say is of little value.  You can dismiss it within your own mind.  It does not matter why you don’t respect them.  The very fact destroys any chance of meaningful understanding.

And if you do respect someone… then there is no issue with it.  You will respect them no matter what.  Respect is earned… and once earned, it does not go away.  If you lose someone’s respect, there is nothing you can do to regain it.  It is lost for you forever… at least as far as you are concerned.  Only the other people can make the decision to restore it.  And that usually never comes.

If you respect someone, then you have to try to look for reasons to not respect them in any given circumstances.  You would have to actually make an effort to not respect them.  If you have to make a big effort at it, then the respect was not there to begin with.

When I lose someone’s respect… I suffer.  There is not a lot I can do to recover it.  And because of who I am, it can have a cascading affect thru all aspects of my life.  I pull back from everyone.  I stop trusting as I have been not trusted.  I recamp within myself, and hide even more.

I over-react.  But that is part of my mental state.  Anxieties create over-reaction.  And everyone close to me knows that, and can handle it.  Or not if they chose.

I don’t know if I am “crazy”… but I know some people think I am.  And I know some people think I am sometimes.  Those are not true friends… they are not people I can try to be close to.

Note: To be clear, I can not expend energy trying to get close to people who think I am crazy.  It’s my issue.

Crazy Is as Crazy Does

Now I have a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist.  Nice…  I have to see a psychiatrist to get my meds worked out.  My OD did not want to try more than we had – I get that.  So off to a psychiatrist I go to get my prescriptions, because my psychologist that I have been seeing for 8 years, can not prescribe meds.  She is a forensic psychologist too.

A couple years back there was a move in Oregon to allow some psychologists to prescribe… but it didn’t go anywhere.  There were too many lobbies against it.

Anyway… My first session there will be in about 2 weeks.  Then I can start trying to get my meds all worked out again.

So I guess this increases my Craziness Rating a bit.  I would put myself at about 62.  But I am no judge of such things.  I will leave that to others.

I have not had much depression the last week or so.  I have been able to get thru it, and move on fairly easily.  It does not last so long anymore.

And I have been getting along “okay” with my anxiety recently.  I have to work very hard at it sometimes.  It grinds me down.  So it is nice to let go and be a bit “crazy” for a while.  But don’t I rite good for a crazy guy?

 

Do People Think I Am “Crazy”?

That is the $64 question!  I think people don’t like to use the word “crazy”… though I think people think it a lot.  My behavior could easily be described as crazy to some people – perhaps many people.  So what does that mean to me?

I want to say, I don’t care.  But there are times when I want to do things with people, and I worry about this.  These Blogs could make some people think I am more than a bit off.

And maybe I am.  I don’t really know.  But at least I am open about it.  So I guess it does not really matter.

So on to more important things!