Monthly Archives: November 2012

The Pit…

Almost everyone who reads this will try to understand it, and most will think they have done that.

But they do not.  And there is a very simple reason for that – they have not been there.  If you have not been in the Pit, then they can not fully understand.  That does not mean they can not help.  They just don’t get it.

Everyone who has been there knows what the Pit is.  There are other names for it… but they all mean the same thing.

It is a deep dark place, that holds no hope, no potential, no future, no chance of help, no-one to share, it is a place of total isolation.  There is a vacuum of emotion, and a lose of how one could feel.  It is nothingness personified.

I am talking about the depths of where the human mind can drop… not morally… not spiritually… not even intellectually… but it is just a Pit… with no way out, except time.  We wait for time to rescue us.

 

This Morning…

This morning I hate my life.  Why can’t I have a good night’s sleep… without nightmares, and constantly waking?  Why do I feel do alone?  Who is there for me at these times?

Why do I have to take care of things every day when I get up?  Why can’t someone take care of my needs in the morning?  Why do I have to deal with all these issues every day… all day long?  Every day is a struggle to keep some control over my thoughts, and my feeling.  I have to fight to stay up, I have to fight to sleep.  And there are no rewards at the end of the day.

There is no joy, and no feeling of accomplishment.  I have to move thru everyday knowing it will be just like all the others.  The “good” days are too few, and too far between.

I never know from one minute to the next if I will be able to stay up, or if I will be able to eat.  I just want some peace in my life… in my mind.

But it will not happen.  Everyday will be the same.  There is no escaping what I am… I am always close to falling apart… crashing into depression.  I can not escape my own thoughts.  And my own brain turns against me.  And all I can do is try to hold back the tide.

 

Motivation is a Big Issue

I struggle to be motivated enough to much of anything most days.  And why should I do anything, when it usually goes wrong?  Or I end up hurting someone, or letting someone down?  So why is lack of motivation a problem?

At least those are some of the questions that run thru my mind.  There are many more…  But motivation is a huge issue for me.  Anxiety, depression, fears, and more all drain away what motivation I might start with.  At night, I do very well at planning what to do the next day.  That does not mean it will happen.  It usually doesn’t.

Once I get going, I can accomplish a lot.  I have a complete wood, and metal shop in the garage.  I can make most anything.  And I am fairly good at it too – I was a journeyman machinist for 4 years!  And I like making things.

But I have to get started.  And therein lies the catch.  I have spent the lion’s share of my life believing I can not succeed – no matter how well I plan, I will fail.  That is not a productive attitude.  I can intellectualize that is not true.  I do usually succeed.  But emotions and fears can swamp any logic I use.

So what do I do?  Usually I sort of wait to have the motivation just hit me.  The key there is to not ignore it, or give the negative feelings time to build up.  It works pretty well when things are all set to go.  The only real stopper here is when there are things I have to move, or clean up, or such before I can even start – that gives the negative feeling too much time to grow before I can actually start my project.

There is usually a very narrow window to getting started, and I have to be ready for it.  I am trying to learn how to recognize this situation, and how to look for, and be ready for acting when the mood does hit.

There are so many things to learn.  I feel as if starting about 8 years ago, I have been finally learning how to live with who I am.  It has gone very well at times, and not so well at others.  But all I can do is keep trying.  Motivation is a tough one because there are so very many thing that affect it.  I don’t often see things coming.

I have to just be ready for the feeling to hit at any time.  At least I don’t usually miss it.

My Joints

I hurt my right elbow while in the shop today.  I was just reaching for something, and POP.  It was the last major joint I had that was fine… till a few hours ago.  This is very disheartening. 

I took a nap because I was feeling so down, and my elbow – and back and toes – got worse.  Again… I have been tested for arthritis markers, and was fine, but I have so many joint issues… both shoulders, both knees, toes, fingers, back, and now both elbows.

Not much else to say about it.  It sucks!

Shopping Error Makes Me Feel Terrible

I ordered something from one of my favorite on-line places, and it arrived today.  It will not work for what I was planning.  And now I feel terrible… as if I am a huge failure for making this mistake.  I know I should not feel this way, but I can’t help it.  I feel empty.

I will be able to use them for something… and they are not worth the time and effort to send back.  So I will set them aside, and figure it out later.

But I am still feeling terrible about it.  It has dragged me down into a pit.  It’s been a bad day anyway – I am having a lot of back pain, and my toes are hurting whenever I try to walk.  Those things are probably affecting how I am feeling… but this has happened many times before, and I always feel so bad.

This is one reason it’s so hard to make decisions sometimes.  I know how I will feel if I make a mistake.  There has never been room in my life to make mistakes.  Even small things like this – a $12 item – make me crash into myself.

I will feel better later.  But it will take a while… I will be alright in a couple of hours.  Even so, this kind of thing should not be happening at all.  Atychiphobia – the fear of failure.  It drives me sometimes to take months to decide little things.  And when I don’t take a long time to research, and think thru all the options, I am taken down by mistakes.

Sometimes it drives Lori crazy that I just won’t decide!  I have to be way too careful.  I think I am better… but right now I just don’t know.  Being in the pit makes everything seem so much more hopeless.  How can I ever get better?

Can I get better?

Thanksgiving… and Such

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It was fun, but a bit subdued.  One person was elsewhere, and one important person was ill.  But everyone will be fine.  The food and company were great.

Needless to say, after everyone was gone, I crashed out.  I felt drained, and was in despair.  I felt horrible as the last bit energy drained away – it has been a stressful week.

I have been stretched thin by events, as have others.  And now I wish to relax, and try to rebuild some enthusiasm.

I have not written for a while because family events have taken my attention, and thoughts.  But all is well, or moving in that direction.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving…

Follow-up For Those in Pain

I am here… I am retired, and spend almost all my time at home.  If you are struggling, and need someone to just listen, or read what you have to say, I am here… 24/7.

Seriously, I have been thru the holiday season in just about every mental state – from completely crashed out, to having a fairly good time.  And I can listen.

Thanksgiving and Other Holidays

This time of years brings many extra stresses for me, and a lot of people like me.  It should be more fun than it is.  But there are a whole slew of added anxieties over the next month and a half for those of us with anxiety, and depressive disorders.

Today I am already feeling close to crashing out about the whole thing.  There are many things I have to get done, on top of the regular holiday stresses.  And I am not holding up very well even at this early point.

If it were up to me, things would be different – don’t ask me how.  I can not escape the anxiety, and there will be depressive periods as well.  There are things I still need to do to get ready… let alone to get myself ready!  I am not looking forward to much of it.

There are people worse off – many are alone, and trying to go thru all these issues on their own.  They can look out at the world, and feel completely isolated.  It can feel as if there is nothing in all this celebration for them.  I have often been there myself… and still am at times.

I do have some support thru this time, but it will still test my brain, and my endurance.  It will be fun, but that does not diminish the anxiety, or take away the depressive periods even for me.  There will be stress for everyone, so I will be a little more on my own than usual… I will make it thru.

Please be kind, and try to be understanding of people you know who may have extra struggles this time of year.  It’s not that we hate it, or want it to go away.  But there will be more times when we are just trying to get by.  Have patience, and remember we just want to have fun too.

A Convergence of Pains

Today I am having one of those days with a lot of pains.  I have been doing a lot of puttering around the last few days, and now I am paying for it.  Three toes on my right foot are swollen and painful – including one that has not hurt before.  The big toe of my left foot hurts also.

Then there is my left knee, and my back.  It usually does not all hurt at the same time, but every now and then, it all comes together.  Like today.  I don’t know what causes it, but it seems to happen every few weeks.

I have been tested for arthritis markers, and I have none.  But I have plenty of joint issues.  There are problems in both shoulders, and my left elbow… my left thumb, and two fingers on my left hand also have pains.  At least I am right handed!  And I can still type!!

I try to keep perspective about it… there is not a lot I can do to make the pain go away, so I have to live with it.  I will try to get things done.  It’s just what it is… nothing more.

Things don’t get better by wishing.  So I will wait it out, and change my plans for the next couple of days.  It will be okay.

Why Have I Got Worse?

Some aspects of my life have got worse over the last 10 years.  But it’s sort of a trade – other things are a lot better.  I’m not sure it’s a fair trade, but it is working for me.

There are things I used to be able to do, that are totally out of reach to me now – like teaching.  I gave teaching my all, and there is nothing left for that kind of activity.   I can not deal with being around groups of people, let alone in front of them talking.

I used to be able to go out more – shopping and such.  Now it’s all very complicated, and requires planning.  Even then, there are limits to what I can do, and where I can go.

But I gained something too – I am now much more comfortable, and “happy” at home.  I am happy with where I am in my life.  My personal live exists now… not so much before therapy and meds.  I am more than comfortable, and enjoy my home, and can socialize from here.

The whole time I was teaching, I did not have a social life… it’s much better now!  I have on-line friends, and get out enough to feel satisfied.  The trips we go on are more fun, and fulfilling.  What I can do, is pleasant, and helps me deal with other issues.

Basically I made a really good trade.  Things are more relaxed, and I have much more peace of mind.  I like it.  I wish I could have found this earlier in my life, but I am not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth!

My Evening Low

Almost every day, I have a late afternoon low… sometimes I crash out completely.  But usually I can get thru it.  It comes at that time when I realize I have not got as much done as I should have, and that time is running short on getting more done.

It does not mean I will jump up and get at things.  Usually it means I will have to work very hard to just remain up, and be active at all.  The best thing to do is to try to ride it out.

Most days I feel like I have failed… like I did not do well enough.  It’s a struggle to keep going, and I have been struggling all day with each little thing I have done.  I have overthought each item, and stalled because of it.  I stop and restart… and stop again.

It just ends up leaving me feeling worse as the evening goes on.  Including this evening.  I am having a difficult time right now.  I don’t know if I should go to bed, or cry, or what.  Maybe I will just “what”.

It’s hard to describe… thoughts swirl thru my brain faster than I can keep track of.  I can’t keep up, and anything positive I think of, is lost.  Though the negative aspects hang on.  They are always there.

Swirling thoughts, and surging emotions swamp out all reason, and it takes hours to recover… if I do.

Thinking About Where I Am

So here I am, half way thru the weekend.  I have slept about “normally” – at least for me.  I have been awakened by nightmares several times each night… average.  I have had too much anxiety… about average.  And I am wondering what it means to be “happy”.  I wonder about that a lot.

Most of the time I am just waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed.  Of course that will lead to nightmares… I don’t know which is worse.  Actually, I do.  The being up and awake is worse.  Because it is real.

There are things I do… mostly things that have to get done.  Other that those, most of my time is just trying to hold things together.  I am often on the verge of tears.  I can’t be happy, and do fun things.  I just need to get thru the day.

Motivation is a huge problem – I don’t have any personal motivation.  I can shop… clean (some)… and do the basic things to take care of myself.  But I have to be alone.  Not just by myself, but alone.  I can not have close friends.  The closest I get are my Facebook friends.  I can not socialize with others.

It’s okay… at least I am able to stick around. 

So being asleep is the best thing – even with the nightmares.  Being awake and alone is my next best state.  Going out to run errands is tolerable about half the time – sometimes Lori has to do the shopping because I can not go out.  Going out with friends, or having friends over are just out of the question.

“Alone” means more than being by myself.  I can not even do things for myself.  I can not hobby (which is not a verb, but used as one here), or work on my things.  These are the normal days.

There are good days too.  I have even gone out of photo shoots by myself!  I have worked on projects, and hobbies.  But those are the exceptional days.  Depression is not as common as it used to be.  Things are even worse when I am depressed.  It will get better… we do always end up getting better. 

Was the Trip a Failure?

I did not go to the grocery store.

I know I am not very good at going out by myself… but I thought I could go 2 places.  I had a great amount of anxiety on the way to IKEA.  There were many times when my brain wanted to turn around and come back home.  I did make it there, but that was just the beginning.

I had a break down moment (or 5)… the anxiety gets so great, my brain tries to shut down.  Basically my brain tries to make me sleep.  I become extremely drowsy, and my eyes get hard to keep open – not a good scenario when I am driving.  But I can shake it out fairly easily.

This usually happens at home… or when I am at some place.  At IKEA I had the same experience, but it’s easier to deal with when I am walking around.  I was able to get everything I wanted there, but at times I was not so sure.

Coming home I just could not stop at the store… I could not do it.  I failed to finish my errands.  So I am feeling very down about that.  I am still feeling pressure to go to bed.  I am fighting with my own brain.  That’s just not right!

It has been harder to go out the last few months.  I am still trying to figure things out.  But there are things I have to do.  There are things I have to go out for… I need to do better!