For me, there is a word I write frequently in my journal, and think even more often, that I don’t like!  It makes my anxiety go up just to think it.  It makes me want to run and hide my brain.  It is a horrible word for me… the “S” word.  The word is “should”.

What “should” I do today… what ‘”should” things all look like.  How “should” I respond… or feel… or think.  It is a word that can send me into a crashing dive.

Every day, I think and write about what I “should” do.  It leads me into a pit.  It makes me feel like I have already lost… I have already failed.  What “should” I do?  I can almost never live up to that.  It means I can not do enough even before I start.

Even now, it is making me feel bad.  I can’t even write about it without feeling that anxiety, and failure.  Right now I am feeling like not writing any more… but I “should”.

I don’t know if everyone has such a word… but I doubt it.  When I hear it, I feel myself declining.  I can feel myself falling into the pit of failure.  I can not do what I “should” do.

Some things I can’t do for physical reasons.  My knees, back, shoulder, toes, thumb, and fingers make it hard, or painful to do many things.  I know I “should” do some things, or be able to do some things… but I can’t.  I try to treat my pains, and do what I can.  But it can be very frustrating having to deal with it everyday, all day long.

But most of the time when I “should” do something, and don’t, it’s because of mental issues – my brain is not my friend.  I can not explain this to someone who has never experienced it, but sometimes I simply can not get myself to do what I “should”.

Sometimes I try to avoid the word… sometimes I try to push myself to face it.  Neither works.  It’s a bad word.